I Am The Prophet (mystic, preach, churches, faith, Lord)

[Jaiket]

While meditating (I thought I'd give it a bash), Gabby, messenger of Bob, commanded me in an unnecessarily loud voice to "Get a life!"

Gabby is some sort of large male fairy, I think he had a halogen torch cause a light was hurting my eyes. He refused to switch it off. I threatened to dial the police and he laughed and said "They wont arrive til tomorrow night, you really think I'm going to float here until they've finished fining motorists?" He had me there.

"Bob commands, you..(I'm sure this is a mistake...beard? check...hippie looking? -not quite, give it a month)...to follow your lord and spread his love to non believers etc etc"

"That it?" I asked.

He looked annoyed and mumbled something about too many calls and not enough holidays. He then yapped on for hours about his aunt Sarah, and his carbunkles, all just dandy if you're interested in the effects of severe excitement deprevation on the human mind.

So my instructions were (after hours of numbing chatter) something along the lines of:

*Preach Bob's love.

*Threaten anyone who'll listen that unless they accept Bob's son Jeebus the are condemned to go to f**k.

*Inform them f**k is not to be taken literally, more a bad word. For a bad place. Apparently all sorts of sado-masochistic things going on but they've got good central heating.

*Wage a few holy wars if I want extra points and a monthly commision bonus I need 1 thousand converts/day.

*I had better liberate women, since they're a tad irritated about the current state of affairs.

*Pinch philosphy from anywhere I see fit, mystical and peace loving works for some, but the demographic seem to like a bit of rough.

*I've to pick up the rest as I go along but one thing he was clear on; although Bob loves all the unbelievers he will smite the odd one. As for the believers they can have churches full of bitchy, venomous, old, middle class widows. Suffering shows you care.

So, I think I'll take the convert or die approach for the first few years, aggressive marketing seems to have had success for other prophets. Shed your faith in false dieties, follow only one Lord/Father/Holy Guy and don't eat yellow snow.

[Paw]

Meditating, huh? Maybe next time you meditate you'll see someone staring at you like you're crazy and, lo and behold!, you're in the middle of the road looking like you lost a coin.

[Jaiket]

Coins escape from me all the time. Was it the same for Muhammad?

[Ceridwen018]

I'm sure it was, Truth. All hail!