Dispel my confusion, if you can... (Jesus, ritual, Creator, gospel)

[Runt]

Originally Posted by Random

People often listen to me speak of things they think no ordinary man should know about (or bother themselves with) and react in generally one of two ways: either they are intrigued and find what I'm saying thought-provoking, or they think I'm semi-insane and immediately shun me like a weird person thereafter.

Now the former sort will find they have learnt something from me if they take what I say and apply it to their own life experience, but few will do this. Instead, they will most likely never pass the intellectual level and probably go off seeking sources for what I relate that don't exist in any way accessible to them.

The latter sort are low-minded, foolish people I often (against my own better judgement) end up regretting having given my time to. Even as regards them, I usually end up hoping I have somehow managed to sow a seed of doubt and uncertainty that might one day (or one lifetime) blossom anew in their hearts and minds and liberate them.

I would say one in every 10 people I talk with about spirituality, life and everything
actually understand what I'm saying. Of those 1-in-10 only a minority again would actually have the wit and the will to do anything about it. The rest essentially pretend to want to know, but run away @ once should the knowlege be forthcoming.

This situation has led me to many hours of wondering, long teatimes of the soul (so to speak). I am a good teacher according even to the people who don't accept what I say, but regardless, the point is that I have come to the conclusion that the reason I cannot transmit my teachings to others in a way that immediately impacts their spirit, which is awareness, and makes the dharma a transformative experience for the student (all the great spiritual Masters are said to have had this ability), is because although I don't like to admit it, I am still confused in some ways: even after all these years of learning and attainment in both the subjective and objective realms.

I have to admit, I thoroughly despised the beginning of this post. Only very rarely have I seen such a concentration of arrogance and delusions of grandeur. The way you implied that anyone who does not agree with or understand your "teachings" is ignorant or foolish is deeply insulting and turned me off immediately to your message. Perhaps part of your difficulty reaching people, then, is your attitude. Humility is a virtue; I would think, as an aspiring "Spiritual Teacher", that you would have realized this long ago, but even Spiritual Teachers may yet have important lessons to learn.

That being said... I found that I identified very much with the following:

Originally Posted by Random

But confused about what, you might ask. Well what else? GOD. I possess a fine grasp of many things related to GOD, like philosophy, religion, esoterica (and exoterica), symbolism, cosmology, spiritual discipline etc. but I simply cannot decide once and for all whether I should believe in GOD or not. If it were as simple as following my heart, then I would speak from my intellect (which is never far from my heart) and say "No, there is no GOD, I do not believe", and that would be that. But it never lasts: for the truth is that somedays I do believe in GOD, and these are the days when I find myself acutely aware that it may not be what I KNOW that is so important, but rather what I DON'T know that is...

You see, it's like this: someone says to me something about GOD that I find agreeable to intellect and heart (like "GOD is Love and we are all born of Love) and I will then affirm that, saying "Yes, you're right". But five minutes later someone else will say something that I don't like about GOD (such as "GOD is our Father in heaven who will Judge us all for our sins and only the righteous will survive, the rest will perish in fire and brimstone!"), and I will say "No, you're deluded and possibly psychotic: your GOD does not exist". You see the problem? I only believe the versions of GOD acceptable to me and when I don't find them so, I throw the baby out with the bathwater and deny Him altogether. I simply have never found the middle ground, if there is any.

So there you have it: somedays I believe in GOD and somedays I don't. Frankly, it (my confusion) has gotten so bad these days that I will be theist/atheist inside the same hour if it suits the mood I'm in, or dependent upon which side of the bed I wake up on. But this is of course ridiculous and I feel it makes a fool of me...worse, I might be going crazy for real.

So, what am I in truth then? Am I a true believer scared to admit it, or a doubting Thomas sitting on the fence, or a closet atheist afraid to let go? I just don't know.

Can anybody advise me? Does any of this resonate with others here on RF? I welcome any comments or questions. Thanks in advance...

It is a difficult thing, reconciling reason and intuition. Like you, my intuition tells me that there is something more to "all of this", whether we want to call that something "God" or "Ultimate Reality". My reason, on the other hand, constrained perhaps by rigid empirical thinking patterns which have been instilled in me through the course of my education, tells me that the universe is self-sufficient; it does not require an outside power---supernatural or otherwise---to account for its nature and existence. And so I seem to flit endlessly between theism and atheism, agnosticism and nontheism, pantheism and polytheism, unable to decide, once and for all, where I stand.

Unfortunately---or perhaps fortunately, depending on how you look at it---this is likely to be a lifelong struggle. My only advice, then (for both of us) is to learn to be accepting of paradox.

[Angelfire]

Originally Posted by Random

People often listen to me speak of things they think no ordinary man should know about (or bother themselves with) and react in generally one of two ways: either they are intrigued and find what I'm saying thought-provoking, or they think I'm semi-insane and immediately shun me like a weird person thereafter.

Now the former sort will find they have learnt something from me if they take what I say and apply it to their own life experience, but few will do this. Instead, they will most likely never pass the intellectual level and probably go off seeking sources for what I relate that don't exist in any way accessible to them.

The latter sort are low-minded, foolish people I often (against my own better judgement) end up regretting having given my time to. Even as regards them, I usually end up hoping I have somehow managed to sow a seed of doubt and uncertainty that might one day (or one lifetime) blossom anew in their hearts and minds and liberate them.

I would say one in every 10 people I talk with about spirituality, life and everything
actually understand what I'm saying. Of those 1-in-10 only a minority again would actually have the wit and the will to do anything about it. The rest essentially pretend to want to know, but run away @ once should the knowlege be forthcoming.

This situation has led me to many hours of wondering, long teatimes of the soul (so to speak). I am a good teacher according even to the people who don't accept what I say, but regardless, the point is that I have come to the conclusion that the reason I cannot transmit my teachings to others in a way that immediately impacts their spirit, which is awareness, and makes the dharma a transformative experience for the student (all the great spiritual Masters are said to have had this ability), is because although I don't like to admit it, I am still confused in some ways: even after all these years of learning and attainment in both the subjective and objective realms.

But confused about what, you might ask. Well what else? GOD. I possess a fine grasp of many things related to GOD, like philosophy, religion, esoterica (and exoterica), symbolism, cosmology, spiritual discipline etc. but I simply cannot decide once and for all whether I should believe in GOD or not. If it were as simple as following my heart, then I would speak from my intellect (which is never far from my heart) and say "No, there is no GOD, I do not believe", and that would be that. But it never lasts: for the truth is that somedays I do believe in GOD, and these are the days when I find myself acutely aware that it may not be what I KNOW that is so important, but rather what I DON'T know that is...

You see, it's like this: someone says to me something about GOD that I find agreeable to intellect and heart (like "GOD is Love and we are all born of Love) and I will then affirm that, saying "Yes, you're right". But five minutes later someone else will say something that I don't like about GOD (such as "GOD is our Father in heaven who will Judge us all for our sins and only the righteous will survive, the rest will perish in fire and brimstone!"), and I will say "No, you're deluded and possibly psychotic: your GOD does not exist". You see the problem? I only believe the versions of GOD acceptable to me and when I don't find them so, I throw the baby out with the bathwater and deny Him altogether. I simply have never found the middle ground, if there is any.

So there you have it: somedays I believe in GOD and somedays I don't. Frankly, it (my confusion) has gotten so bad these days that I will be theist/atheist inside the same hour if it suits the mood I'm in, or dependent upon which side of the bed I wake up on. But this is of course ridiculous and I feel it makes a fool of me...worse, I might be going crazy for real.

So, what am I in truth then? Am I a true believer scared to admit it, or a doubting Thomas sitting on the fence, or a closet atheist afraid to let go? I just don't know.

Can anybody advise me? Does any of this resonate with others here on RF? I welcome any comments or questions. Thanks in advance...

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