The Book of Zelph. A really good new book of scripture (testimonies, America)

[Zelph]

You can read it for free at :

http://www.bookofzelph.com

Here is a summary:

INTRODUCTION

The Book of Zelph is a volume of books, like the Book of Mormon, and is a supplement to the Book of Mormon. Since it takes two witnesses for something to be true, the Book of Zelph is a second witness of the ancient inhabitants of the Americas, and contains stories of the men and women who lived here. Whereas the Book of Mormon was mostly about religion and was from the Nephite point of view, the Book of Zelph is about the day-to-day activities of the non-christian groups living here at the same time, and tells their stories from their point of view. These non-christian, non-Nephite groups became known collectively as "Lamanites". The Book of Zelph contains the history of ancient America through their eyes. Their words, etched on metal, stone, and leather plates were quoted and abridged by a Lamanite warrior-historian named Zelph. Zelph was a great warrior, and many called him Zelph “The Handcart Warrior” because his collection of plates was so heavy he had to wheel them around in a handcart. Zelph finally grew tired of wheeling around the heavy plate collection so he abridged their contents onto smaller, lighter, more convenient leather plates, and bound the leather plates in book format. Zelph's record gives an account of the people who could no longer tolerate the religious zealotry of the pompous, know-it-all Nephites, and therefore decided to annihilate them.

The great people in the Book of Zelph lived life to the fullest, and multiplied quickly by breeding like rabbits because of their sexual liberation, which was taught to them by the Asian whores. The Lamanites became a culturally diverse group with Asian DNA, while the Nephites remained sexually repressed religious zealots, and white separatists, who lived in a tiny geographical area, and refused to mix with the dark skinned Lamanites. As a result, the Nephites left no trace of their civilization behind. Even today, archeologists cannot find a trace of their existence anywhere in the world. When Columbus arrived in 1492, the only group dwelling in the Americas were the multitude of dark skinned Lamanites with Asian DNA, and they are the principal ancestors of the American Indians.

The crowning event recorded in the Book of Zelph is the final victory over the Nephite armies, and the raping, pillaging, and eventual extermination of the Nephite people and their culture. Zelph lost his life sometime during these final battles, and his handcart overflowing with plates became 'lost' to the world, as did his leather abridgment. The remains of Zelph were found by Joseph Smith in 1834, however Smith did not see the handcart of plates hidden in a nearby cave. The plates would remain hidden until 2004 when Josh Anderson was led to them by the ghosts of Zelph and Melph. Zelph handed Josh Anderson his leather bound abridgment of the plates and told him to translate them for the modern generation to read.

The plates, and Zelph's leather abridgment, were inscribed using a secret language called 'Reformed Asian.' Like Joseph Smith, Josh Anderson translated the leather plates using a magic rock and hat. The record is now published for all to read as an additional book that fills in the gaps in the Book of Mormon narrative, tells the Lamanite side of the story, and helps answer some sticky scientific issues with the Book of Mormon.

Concerning this record, Josh Anderson said: “I told my friends that the Book of Zelph is a really good book.”

In addition to Josh Anderson, thirteen others saw the leather plates for themselves and were selected by Josh to be special witnesses of the truth of the Book of Zelph. This is better evidence than the Book of Mormon which only had eleven witnesses. The Book of Zelph has two more witnesses than the Book of Mormon. The witness's written testimonies are included herewith as “The Testimony of Four Witnesses” and “The Testimony of Nine Witnesses.”

We invite everyone everywhere to read the Book of Zelph, and decide if it is true, and even if you think logically or factually it couldn't have happened, just think if it is possible that it might have happened, even if it is only 1% possible that is is true, that means there is still a chance. Are you willing to risk not believing it is true? You lose nothing by thinking it did happen if it really didn't, so the burden of proof lies with those who think it isn't true. Since it is impossible to prove a negative, we can logically assume that this book is true. If you still do not think it is true, we challenge you to use Melph's promise, as outlined in Melph 5:4, to discern the truthfulness of this book.

[jonny]

You have way too much time on your hands.

[Aqualung]

Originally Posted by jonny

You have way too much time on your hands.

That's pretty funny, though. You have to admit... "I told my friends the Book of Zelph was a really good book." that's good.

[Aqualung]

And that website! That's just awesome! I'm putting that in my favourites!

[Katzpur]

Originally Posted by Aqualung

And that website! That's just awesome! I'm putting that in my favourites!

In case anybody's wondering, The Book of Zelph is a spoof on The Book of Mormon. That's all it is. So if it amuses you fine; be amused. Just don't take it seriously.

[DeepShadow]

Where's the part about the Book of Zelph originally being discovered in audiotape format!? Could there be two conflicting accounts of this book's origins?

I sense a conspiracy in the works, and I'll get to the bottom of it!!