Are you spouse material?

[Wirey]

As most of you may have noticed, I already know everything important. So, as an altruistic act (like that big word, my little friends?), I’m going to help save your love life. And if that hair cut is any indication, you need help now. Just answer the questions below as honestly as possible, and then I’ll explain what you need to do in order to avoid living in a one room shack that smells like wet feet and cheese, getting aroused by insurance ads. Ready? Well, too bad, we’re going anyway:

1. You and your significant other are in an elevator with several other people. Suddenly, the unmistakable sound of flatulence comes from him/her. All the other passengers in the elevator turn and look. You would most likely:
a) Pretend nothing happened
b) Say ‘Excuse me”, thereby taking the blame
c) Point your arm sideways, and yell “Fair ball! That one’s going into the corner for extra bases!”

2. Your significant other has a birthday party for you, during which get drunk and make a pass at their best friend. The next day, you would most likely:
a) Apologize profusely, and immediately join AA to ensure there is no repeat of the offense
b) Claim the alcohol momentarily overcame your good judgment
c) Call from the Sleepy-Time motel, ask to have breakfast ready when you got home, and mention that Bill/Carol says ‘Hi’.

3. It’s a nice lazy Sunday. You and your significant other are watching a movie when they suggest that you get the remaining apple pie in the fridge as a snack. When you open the fridge, you notice that there is only one thin slice of pie left. You would most likely:
a) Give the pie to them, and claim you’re not hungry.
b) Bring the pie with two forks, for sharing.
c) Hork the pie down as fast as humanly possible, accuse them of eating it, and demand they go out to the bakery and buy another one immediately. And get some friggin’ vodka while you’re out!

4. Your significant other takes a racy photo of themselves in revealing swimwear. They give it to you as a gift. You would most likely:
a) Put it somewhere safe, and look at it when you miss them.
b) Carry it on you always.
c) Post it on the Greenpeace website with a caption that says “If found washed up, please return to sea”.

5. Your pet name for your significant other is closest to:
a) Snookum
b) Lover
c) Damien

6. You and your significant other are going out to a work-related function. They ask you how they look, because they feel something is missing, and they want to know what to add. You would most likely suggest:
a) A colourful piece of clothing
b) An interesting piece of jewelry.
c) A paper bag with an attractive person’s picture taped on the outside.

7. Your significant other loses a leg in an accident. You would most likely:
a) Redo your house so it is entirely accessible.
b) Immediately assist them in recovery and healing.
c) Buy a pogo stick so they don’t feel singled out when you go to the mall.

8. Your significant other tells you they wish to have a child. You would most likely:
a) Build a nursery in your house.
b) Start planning so that you are financially secure.
c) Show them pictures of their family, and explain how genetics work.

9. Your significant other wants to go on a romantic vacation. You would most likely suggest:
a) Paris
b) Hawaii
c) Mustang Ranch

10. Your significant other tells you that their mother recently passed away. You would most likely:
a) Hug and comfort them.
b) Offer to pay any extraneous expenses
c) Sing loudly, “Ding, dong, the witch is dead!”


Scoring:
For every a) answer, award one point.
For every b) answer, award three points.
For every c) answer, award 5 points.

1-9
Liar! The minimum score is a 10! Do you think the rest of us are dumb enough fall for that?
10-18
You will lose everything in the divorce, and your virginity will probably grow back.
19-27
Consider this a practice run, until you meet someone with poorer vision, or no standards.
28-36
You’re just enough of a scum bucket to be interesting, but not enough to be worthwhile. Try to wreck their car.
37-45
Definite marriage material. Crass and damaged, you’re a perfect fit for married life.
46-49
Dream date. You’ll get anyone you want, as long as you aim low.
50
Hey, Revoltingest, what’s up?

[Shuddhasattva]

oh, wirey. i love you.

[Revoltingest]

Originally Posted by Wirey

50 Hey, Revoltingest, what’s up?

I'm buying a present for Valentine's Day. That's tomorrow.....right?

[Alceste]

Thank you for this useful tool. Too late to call off the wedding though - it's in ten days!!!

[Wirey]

Originally Posted by Alceste

Thank you for this useful tool. Too late to call off the wedding though - it's in ten days!!!

It's never too late. Hit on his dad in the church, and mention that your other husband just got a new job helping a Mexican cartel 'take care of problem employees'. Trust me, wedding's off.

[Revoltingest]

I have some tips for a durable marriage. My qualifications, you ask? I've been married continuously since 1979.
- When attending a wedding with the Mrs, wear a formal Hawaiian shirt.
- For funerals, ditto.
- When the Mrs asks you a question, always ask what answer she wants before venturing one of your own.
- Your stock is boosted if you occasionally see a chick flick together. You can always watch an antidote on a DVD later.
- Avoid political discussions to avoid regime change.

[Egyptian Phoenix]

Why? I already have a life partner

[Kerr]

Originally Posted by Alceste

Thank you for this useful tool. Too late to call off the wedding though - it's in ten days!!!

Are you getting married in ten days or was that a joke ? Asking because in the case you are I feel like I should congratulate you.

[Alceste]

Originally Posted by Kerr

Are you getting married in ten days or was that a joke ? Asking because in the case you are I feel like I should congratulate you.

I am! We're going to find shoes that are a little more posh than my manure encrusted Blundstones and Wampus's tattered sneakers right this very minute. The local thrift shop really let us down in the shoe department.

[Kathryn]

1. You and your significant other are in an elevator with several other people. Suddenly, the unmistakable sound of flatulence comes from him/her. All the other passengers in the elevator turn and look. You would most likely:
a) Pretend nothing happened (with one caveat - this would involve lots of facial struggle to avoid breaking into peals of laughter!)


2. Your significant other has a birthday party for you, during which get drunk and make a pass at their best friend. The next day, you would most likely:
a) Apologize profusely, and immediately join AA to ensure there is no repeat of the offense (however, I would probably have to do this from a hotel room - where I was there by myself - because my husband would have loaded me into the car after everyone left and dumped me off in the parking lot of Motel 6)

3. It’s a nice lazy Sunday. You and your significant other are watching a movie when they suggest that you get the remaining apple pie in the fridge as a snack. When you open the fridge, you notice that there is only one thin slice of pie left. You would most likely:
b) Bring the pie with two forks, for sharing. No way is he getting the last piece all to himself - unless he has been a very VERY good boy.


4. Your significant other takes a racy photo of themselves in revealing swimwear. They give it to you as a gift. You would most likely:
a) Put it somewhere safe, and look at it when you miss them. Though...I must be honest, none of the provided answers really addressed what I would do -which is use them for blackmail purposes.


5. Your pet name for your significant other is closest to:
a) Snookum - though in reality it is Alpha Dog


6. You and your significant other are going out to a work-related function. They ask you how they look, because they feel something is missing, and they want to know what to add. You would most likely suggest:
a) A colourful piece of clothing - like clown shoes

7. Your significant other loses a leg in an accident. You would most likely:
a) Redo your house so it is entirely accessible - without it being noticeably equipped for handicapped access. All that stuff doesn't go too well with my decor.


8. Your significant other tells you they wish to have a child. You would most likely:
a) Build a nursery in your house and begin interviewing prospective surrogate mothers, nannies, wet nurses, domestic help, and psychologists.

9. Your significant other wants to go on a romantic vacation. You would most likely suggest:
a) Paris - well, actually Berlin - but I'm weird.

10. Your significant other tells you that their mother recently passed away. You would most likely:
a) Hug and comfort them and then explain that I must go shopping for something appropriate to wear during the upcoming social requirements.