In every breath (verse)

[Ori]

A life begins with it's first breath
Rise and fall does their chest
In every breath, hope does hold
For what this life, will come to mould

A world can end with just one breath
As it began with just one breath

[michel]

Originally Posted by orichalcum

A life begins with it's first breath
Rise and fall does their chest
In every breath, hope does hold
For what this life, will come to mould

A world can end with just one breath
As it began with just one breath

That is quite a good piece, but the second line (IMO) doesn't 'work'; I tried to think about suggestions, but can't offhand....I do hate giving criticism, especially when it isn't constructive.

[Ori]

Thanks Michel, any criticism is good as far as i'm concerned. I did try to come up with something diffirent for the second line but found it tto difficult.

[Lady Crimson]

A life begins with it's first breath
Rise and fall does their chest

How'bout 'To rise, to fall, so chose their chest'. The length is better, but I didn't know what you exactlly wanted to say...so I just played with the words a bit.

Very nice poem...interesting idea..perhaps you could make it longer

A world can end with just one breath
As it began with just one breath

I don't like that...I'm sorry...I hate monorime...You could use it as a laitmotive...Make the poem a tad longer and add those two verses after each paragraph

Sorry if I seem a tad harsh...You should hear how I critic my own work!

[michel]

Originally Posted by orichalcum

A life begins with it's first breath
Rise and fall does their chest
In every breath, hope does hold
For what this life, will come to mould

A world can end with just one breath
As it began with just one breath

Rise and fall does baby's chest ?

[Ori]

Thanks for the help, it appears you have both improved on it.