Dreams of You (Earth)

[Guitar's Cry]

Dreams of You

I wake.
Before I open my eyes, I think of my dream.
Was that you I saw-
Flitting between the trees of my youth like a ghost?
I wish I could see you in reality and not only in dreams;
Alone in my bed and wandering
The unkempt trails of distant memories.

I’ve often wondered if you dream before you die.
If memories come back before your brain shuts down.
Are they as you remember them, or like dreams
Will they be blazed into new trails where every emotion
Every sensation
Is heightened to new limits?
I hope I dream of you.

[Sunstone]

I like this one, GC! To ask that our last memories on earth be not only of someone special to us, but just as vivid as dreams, is a fresh approach. I was delighted with it. The notion sparkles like a jewel.

If you wouldn't mind a quibble: I think this poem could use rewriting. Some of the language is just a bit stale, and not as striking as it could be with more work. But that's just my opinion.

[Guitar's Cry]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

I like this one, GC! To ask that our last memories on earth be not only of someone special to us, but just as vivid as dreams, is a fresh approach. I was delighted with it. The notion sparkles like a jewel.

Thanks! I also meant to emphasize just how important those last sensations before death could be, and how it would be the greatest compliment to the person you wish to dream of.

Originally Posted by Sunstone

If you wouldn't mind a quibble: I think this poem could use rewriting. Some of the language is just a bit stale, and not as striking as it could be with more work. But that's just my opinion.

I don't mind the criticism at all. Writing is rewriting!

If you don't mind, where do you think it needs improvement? I'm guessing the fifth line of the first stanza, and the first few lines of the second.

Again, thanks for the input!

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by Guitar's Cry

If you don't mind, where do you think it needs improvement? I'm guessing the fifth line of the first stanza, and the first few lines of the second.

Please don't mind my saying this, but I would re-work the whole poem. That's the only real way to do a rewrite. You see, you've got the idea on paper now. That's captured. What you should look for now is the music. How to refine those words so they sing.

Take one lines:

Alone in my bed and wandering
The unkempt trails of distant memories.

Look at each word in those two lines and cut them out one by one. If you can't cut a word out without loosing the meaning, then keep the word. But if you can cut a word out without loosing meaning, then cut it out. Get rid of it.

For instance:

Alone in my bed and wandering
Unkempt trails of memories.

Are the words "the" and "distant" necessary to your meaning? Only you can decide, but I've taken them out to give you something to think about.

Here's another line:

I wish I could see you in reality and not only in dreams;

Here's a rewrite:

I wish for you here, more real than any dream

Is that better or worse? Only you can decide, but I'll toss that out to give you something to think on.

Hope this is all more helpful that aggravating.

[doppelgänger]

Excellent poem, GC. I notice you posted it at 1 am. Did this "come to you in the night" or is it something you've been working on?

[Guitar's Cry]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

Hope this is all more helpful that aggravating.

Not aggravating in the least. My B.A. is in writing, so I'm used to this.

How does this work?

I wake.
The dream lingers behind fluttering lids in a doleful dance.
Was that you I saw
Flitting like a ghost between the trees of my youth?
O! if I could only open the doors of fantasy instead of my eyes!
But now
Alone in bed I wander
The unkempt trails of dreary memories.

I often wonder if I’ll dream before I die;
If memories will slip through the spaces of my retreating Self.
Will they be as I remember, or
Will new trails be blazed where every emotion
Every sensation
Soars to new horizons -
Dancing, no longer doleful, but surreal -
Sensual.
I hope I dream of you.

I cut out as much clutter as I could, and played with alliteration a little more, using "d" more in the first stanza to not only emphasize the sounds of "death" and "dream," but to give it a bit more of a melancholy mood. "S" sounds dominate the second stanza, giving it a more "sensual," hopeful kind of mood.

I also focused on the present tense rather than the past, and cleaned up any passive language. Did I miss anything?

Thanks for working with this, Sunstone. It's bringing new life into an old poem!

[Sunstone]

Good job! I like the re-work much better than the original.