Whispers To the River (For Alyssa)

[Sunstone]

When this weariness is broken on the dawn,
I'll go to the river and cry,

And I won't speak a word
But my tears will flow down
To join with the waters flowing by.

Tears are whispers to the river.
Whispers the river knows.
Whispers the world shall hear, my love,
Although you wouldn't think so.

For the river whispers to the ocean,
The ocean whispers to the sky,
The sky whispers to the clouds:

And the clouds whisper to us, my love,
For the times when we must cry.

[michel]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

When this weariness is broken on the dawn,
I'll go to the river and cry,

And I won't speak a word
But my tears will flow down
To join with the waters flowing by.

Tears are whispers to the river.
Whispers the river knows.
Whispers the world shall hear, my love,
Although you wouldn't think so.

For the river whispers to the ocean,
The ocean whispers to the sky,
The sky whispers to the clouds:

And the clouds whisper to us, my love,
For the times when we must cry.

That's beautiful, Phil.

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by michel

That's beautiful, Phil.

Thank you, Michel! Much appreciated! I am trembling, however, over the prospect that Alyssa herself might not like it. If she doesn't, please ask the missus to set an extra place for me at supper tomorrow: England might be the only safe place far enough abroad that I can escape that troublesome 19 year old's wrath.

[Mystic-als]

WoW! Very nice. How can she not like it? Well done.

[ChrisP]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

Thank you, Michel! Much appreciated! I am trembling, however, over the prospect that Alyssa herself might not like it. If she doesn't, please ask the missus to set an extra place for me at supper tomorrow: England might be the only safe place far enough abroad that I can escape that troublesome 19 year old's wrath.

Well I'm sure she will. That's some of the nicest imagery I've read in a while. Nice work Sunstone.

[robtex]

It is nice Phil. It is good not to read some analogy about crying a river or cried enought to make a river. I think that horse has been kicked till its dead. I think readers can apprciate letting go of ones feelings in nature which makes the poem "real" to myself when I read it. It is a bigger asset not to go too much into detail about the river and landscape it is on because people when able to use their own imagination seem to relate even more. I think the poem will have a bigger effect because you didn't spend time trying to describe the landscape in detail. Everyone will kinda have their own river to visit mentally when reading your piece. Thanks for sharing it.

One just footnote, if that is ok. I have noticed over time in poetry (and in general) people tune the word "I" out alot of times or it can inadvertenly make the piece look more self-centered than it was oringinally proposed to be. Perhaps, you could take the stanza :
I"'ll go to the river and cry," and take the I'll out to say something like:
Going to the river to cry or, lets go to the river to cry and with the stanza:
" And I won't speak a word" take out the I to say , Won't speak a word or something with the same concept but with no I. I do that from time to time to. Write something (business proposal, poem, anthing other than a letter to a friend) go back and take out all the "I''s.

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by ticandy

WoW! Very nice. How can she not like it? Well done.

Thank you, Ticandy! What a beautiful and interesting username you have chosen! Might I ask what it means?

Also, where are you located? I'm so curious!

As for how it's possible she might not like it, I can't bring myself to assume anything about people liking my work because early in my journey as a poet, I was utterly and permanently traumatized by someone who frequently and viciously torched my poems at momments when she was peeved at me:

One Way To Pay A Bill

BTW, Welcome to the Forums! I hope you like it here!