Beyond Tomorrow the Southern Light (Earth, recall, confess, Roman)

[Sunstone]

You are this evening
Up in Manitou among mountains
In the apartment you love,
In the apartment whose walls
Are not trued to a square.

And I hear rain pin the leaves
Beyond my windows this evening
In the black arrhythmic night.
.
Tomorrow you leave for Atlanta.

So we'll not go to the bridge at three,
Drink wine to the water’s moon much more.

Nor will you reach
Your arms soft for my shoulders:
You trembling
Like a flame.

Tomorrow I will stand by the road
That's as chaotic as this rain.
By the road
To watch you leave,

The road that love won't close,

For beyond tomorrow, a school in Atlanta:
Beyond tomorrow, the Southern light.

Ah, Majel, do your best in learning.
Yes, Majel, do your best in loving,
For your name so sounds like a match
Flaring to life.

[michel]

Nice, but I found it 'stilted' in places. I actually prefer to hear poetry (and read mine aloud to any audience), because the cadence means so much to me.

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by michel

Nice, but I found it 'stilted' in places. I actually prefer to hear poetry (and read mine aloud to any audience), because the cadence means so much to me.

Thank you, Michel.

This poem gives me fits. I cringe when I read it. The narrator has his thoughts and memories entwined with the arrhythmic rain outside his window, so the cadence is supposed to reflect the rushing, pause, dripping rains that come and go on the leaves. But, you're certainly right: it doesn't do that too well, does it? Instead, it makes me cringe. *sobs*

[michel]

I wouldn't go so far as to say 'Cringe'. But I must admit that certain 'accepted fads' in poetry (I find) detract from what I would call 'Good poetry'.

The kind of poem to which I refer is the visual effect of (made up for example) :-

The
Top of the
Tree stands out
In splendour, belying
The strength of it's roots
Which spread far and wide
to negate the winds of change
lest they shift
from where
they are, and
lose the grip
from earth
and fall,
and die.

I have actually seen poems written in this way; it's not for me. (actually, as that as ad lib, I quite like it!!) I'm a hypocrite!!!

[Sunstone]

Michel, do you recall the name of the French poet who wrote that famous poem, I think back in the 30s, on rain, and arranged the words to streak slanted vertically down the page? I can't recall his name at the moment. But is that the kind of poem you're referring to? For I think he might have begun that fad.

[michel]

No I don't. I have to confess that I know little about famous poets; you might see his name (If you would recognise it) here:- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/French_...e_20th_century

[Buttercup]

I really dislike critiquing a person's poetry. I feel like I'm trampling on their most tender of thoughts and that makes me cringe!

This poem is again another very romantically narrated scene and I like it very much...but, the one line that sticks a bit awkwardly is this one......

" We packed your long flowing red skirt with care."

It doesn't seem to fit where's it's located...and trips up the rhythm and visuals to me. But, I don't know anything about criticizing poetry so take it with a grain of salt, Phil.

Other than that.....I like it as it is.