Painted Horses Wet With Rain (divine)

[Sunstone]

Sitting with you, drawing with you,
Playing with you from second through sixth:

You were our class genius and painted horses wet with rain,
Before you had breasts, in their pastures without fences;
In the pastures they owned.



Your mother pitied herself for abandoned
By the mural painter who stayed a few months
In that small gossip of a town,

Leaving a daughter with new translucent skin
And eyes that chased after
Perspective like butterflies from birth,

And hated you.

[d.]

nice one.

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by divine

nice one.

Thank you! May I trouble you for your opinion of how it might be improved?

[robtex]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

Thank you! May I trouble you for your opinion of how it might be improved?

I liked it too but if you don't mind a critique I would say too literal. Strategic use of metaphors and similes could bring out more emotion in the piece.

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by robtex

I liked it too but if you don't mind a critique I would say too literal. Strategic use of metaphors and similes could bring out more emotion in the piece.

Thanks, Rob! That strikes me as a very good critique. I'll work on my use of metaphors and similes. Fruabls!

I hate to ask a favor that might inflict more of my poetry on you, especially this early in the morning, but if you wish could you take a look at Throw Your Rockets Far and let me know if my use of metaphor in that poem is any better? Of course, if you don't feel like it, that's certianly OK.

[d.]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

Thank you! May I trouble you for your opinion of how it might be improved?

i would, but i have little to say. the reason i liked it was that it was a bit obscure and left things vaguely said. these are the kind of poems i like - it leaves things to the imagination, and 'paints a wider scope'. it wakes my interest.

structure-wise, it was great - good rhythm. i think only you can say if it could say what you wanted to say better. boring answer, i guess.

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by divine

i would, but i have little to say. the reason i liked it was that it was a bit obscure and left things vaguely said. these are the kind of poems i like - it leaves things to the imagination, and 'paints a wider scope'. it wakes my interest.

structure-wise, it was great - good rhythm. i think only you can say if it could say what you wanted to say better. boring answer, i guess.

Thank you, Divine! I appreciate your comments, and I'm especially glad you thought the rhythm was good.