A Poem of Mine for You to Tear Apart (paradise, Revelation)

[standing_alone]

Yeah, so it's late, I'm tired, I'm not thinking clearly, and I'm bored, so I thought, "What the heck! I'll post one of my crappy poems to get some 'constructive' criticism." So yeah, I think it'd be cool if you guys could give me some feedback on what I should do to improve my writing - and feel more than free to do it without mercy. I can take it. Also, ask any questions about stuff you don't understand or want to know what I intended by. This poem's crap, so I'm sorry to all of you who actually read it. (Just for a note: Ranger Hall is the name of the dormatories at my university where I obviously live).

The Ranger Hall Revelation

Sitting on a lonely bench outside Ranger Hall,
Humid, hot October 5, 2005,
I light a cigarette, sick of it all,
Wishing for death, not totally alive;

I watch the paper burn back,
Revealing the cancer within,
I look down at my cigarette pack,
“Lucky Strike,” what truth, what wisdom;

I too want to burn back my paper,
Let loose the pain of my cancer,
Watch the smoke curl like vapor,
Searching for truth, for an answer.

I let the smoke go to my head,
Numb away the turmoil and pain.
Earlier I felt like a phantom,
Knowing only that no one knows my name;

Earlier I knew I was only a shape,
Nothing solid, just some steam.
Now I have this desire to escape,
To make myself come clean.

Now I don’t feel anything,
The smoke icing the heat,
And I watch all the mistakes I’ve made
Suddenly repeat.

I light another cigarette,
So it’s come to this,
I use a substance to forget
The angst that writhes in me.

I’m a coward, I’m afraid,
Too scared to hope for love,
Now I just want to trade
This for the sky above.

I light another, this makes three,
How the third is supposed to be the charm,
But deep down I know I’ll never be free,
Because all I know is self-harm.

I only know how to sabotage
Anything that brings healing,
I live life merely as a mirage,
I’ll never feel my paper peeling;

And so I cower back to my dorm,
A cell amongst everyone else’s paradise.
I hug myself to stay warm,
And crack open another vice.


Sorry for making you go through that. Feel free to tear it apart.

[Bishka]

I like it. It makes sense, I don't like those poems that have all these figurative meanings and all that junk. So to me, this was a great poem! I like it.

[standing_alone]

I don't like those poems that have all these figurative meanings and all that junk.

Oh, well there is some metaphor and stuff in this that I could go into if you're that interested, but probably not tonight - it's not supposed to be a literal poem. But I'm glad you liked it!

[Bishka]

I did. It's an awesome poem, and I really do mean that.

[nutshell]

I've read it once. I'll read it tomorrow when I'm more awake and post my feedback then.

[Buttons*]

I like it!!!!

[d.]

Originally Posted by standing_alone

Yeah, so it's late, I'm tired, I'm not thinking clearly, and I'm bored, so I thought, "What the heck! I'll post one of my crappy poems to get some 'constructive' criticism." So yeah, I think it'd be cool if you guys could give me some feedback on what I should do to improve my writing - and feel more than free to do it without mercy. I can take it. Also, ask any questions about stuff you don't understand or want to know what I intended by. This poem's crap, so I'm sorry to all of you who actually read it. (Just for a note: Ranger Hall is the name of the dormatories at my university where I obviously live).
Sorry for making you go through that. Feel free to tear it apart.

no need to be so self-deprecating - your writing doesn't warrant it at all. keep writing!

i'll get back to you with further comments...

[dawny0826]

I think the imagery was outstanding because it made me SEE and FEEL.

I could feel the angst and the sadness. I could see and smell the smoke.

I think it's beautiful. I'm glad that it's more metaphor than literal.

[standing_alone]

Wow, these responses have been way better than I expected them to be! I'm glad people actually are liking this junk. Cool! But does anybody have anything with the construction of the poem itself to criticise? Things that need further work?