Be gentle with me.. :)

[katiafish]

Here is a short story I have wrote in Russian a while back, and now rewrote in English..

All feedback will be appreciated..

Another Day

It was still dark, the twilight only starting to waver above the silent ground, the forest was still. John looked up from the ground and filled his lungs with the cool, clear air. He moved slowly as if paying special attention to every little muscle in his body, tilting his head to the side as he was bringing himself up into a standing position. Satisfied with the result, John stretched and allowed himself a big yawn, taking a visible pleasure in hearing himself and feeling his body stretch. Slowly he started walking down the long path, dark field on one side, forest on the other side, darker still.

The world around him was starting to wake up. Birds first, a solitary voice and then more, and louder, with unconditional happiness greeting the advancing dawn. The air grew clearer still, obtaining an almost crystal quality to it, like liquid quartz enveloping and suffusing, sparkling in the tiny drops of dew. The sun was rising somewhere behind the forest , licking the sky blushing pink and bringing colour into the darkness of the foliage and the wheat of the field. John could feel the happiness rising in his chest with the sun, and he thought that if he really wanted to, he could probably fly up into the sky just with the strength of this incredible feeling that was spreading through him, becoming him.

The insects had woken up, the green lightning of a dragonfly zoomed right in front of Jon's face, startling him.The morning was in the full bloom now, the air had grown warm and John could feel the sun on the back of his neck as he walked on. He soon started to sweat and stopped to take his jacket and, after some consideration, his shirt off. Carefully wrapping the sleeves around his waist he noticed a tiny frog that jumped out on to the path right in front of him. He froze, watching it watching him with its eyes the colour of the molten gold until it decided that he was nothing more than a strange piece of wood and hopped off to do whatever it was that frogs do on a beautiful summer morning.

The sun was now above the forest, almost blinding in its brightness, heat just verging on becoming uncomfortable but John walked on, smiling to himself, not a thought in his head, completely absorbed with all the Lilliputian life going on around him: somber beetles borrowing into the yellow dust of the path, swallows diving down on to the unsuspecting meaty caterpillars, gracefully solid bumblebee flying by with the determination of the air missile.. The world was beautiful and he was beautiful with it.
He sat down to take his shoes and socks off, digging his bare toes into the soft warm dust on the road. He felt almost like a child now and.......

-C'mon mate, time's up - the craggy hand was shaking John, as he desperately tried to not wake up, to stay in the warmth of the sun but inevitably slipping further into the awakening and the grim reality of a grubby room and a shiny face of a fat man who was mercilessly shaking and shaking and shaking him.

-C'mon, you dont geup now an I'd charge ya more - the man's breath smelt of stale beer and fresh tobacco smoke as he bent down to see if John opened his eyes. John pushed the man away weakly and sat up, hitting his head on the hanging mishmash of the wires and some other unidentifiable metal objects hanging above the trolley bed with gray sheets.

-Thas allwait, ya allwait mate, juss little headspin an ya allwait- the fat man was quickly moving his hands around John's half naked body, tearing the suction pads with the wires on them from John's skin, fussing, sweating, constantly repeating his allwait, as if it had some meaning. Next thing John knew he was walking down the narrow corridor with the identical grimy doors, already dressed in his shirt and suit but still holding his shoes in his hands. The corridor led them to the equally grimy lounge with well used assorted sofas around a coffee table on three legs with some magazines on top full of girls with old eyes.

-Juss wait a sec ere mate- fat man pushed John towards the sofa so hard that John almost fell over and had to take couple of small sideways leaps to balance himself up. Fat man meanwhile went behind the front desk, getting the big archaic calculator out and counting something busily, frowning, silently moving his lips and writing the results on a small scrap of paper.

-Ere mate, four hundred and eighteen quid please. - Fat man was standing above John with his hand outstretched.

-But the advert said- John already was fishing for his wallet, knowing the futility of his weak protest.
-Thass for ordinary dreams mate, you know murder and sex, thass half pwice, yo one I had to order from Japan, we dont nomally stock stuff of this quali'y. Q-u-a-l-i'y- repeated fat man, visibly enjoying the word, giving the credit card back to John who was already standing by the door ready to leave, patted him on a shoulder and ever so slightly pushed him further towards the exit. John opened the glass door and stepped onto the pavement, immediately blending in with the surrounding grayness of the sky and buildings around him in his gray suit. Fat man watched John to dissapear into the croud and shook his head.
-Them city guys- he muttered to himself, John's face already completely erased from his memory as thousands before him.

[katiafish]

not that gentle...

[rojse]

I quite liked the story, Katiafish. However, I think that the writing for the second part of the story, which introduces the man, was not as well-done as the first part might have been. The ocker language doesn't quite work, the shift in location is too sudden, and the writing of the second part isn't as well-done as the first part.

No doubt a small amount of editing would fix that.

[katiafish]

Cheers. Small amount of editing did you say?

Small?

[rojse]

Originally Posted by katiafish

Cheers. Small amount of editing did you say?

Small?

You wanted gentle criticism.

[katiafish]

Originally Posted by rojse

You wanted gentle criticism.

Argh.

How about

[rojse]

Originally Posted by katiafish

Argh.

How about

I wouldn't dare tell a writer what to do to fix their work.

I've just pointed out areas which might be improved upon.

I'm sure that you are capable of fixing them yourself.

[Scarlett Wampus]

Some feedback: more stories!

[Seyorni]

Originally Posted by katiafish

Here is a short story I have wrote in Russian a while back, and now rewrote in English..

All feedback will be appreciated..

OK. I wrote down some thoughts and observations. To save space I didn't list them, so they're rather a mish-mosh, I'm afraid. But they correspond to the sentence order of your story, so you should be able to follow, if with some difficulty (sorry).

Another Day
It was still dark, the twilight only starting to waver above the silent ground, the forest was still. John looked up from the ground and filled his lungs with the cool, clear air. He moved slowly as if paying special attention to every little muscle in his body, tilting his head to the side as he was bringing himself up into a standing position. Satisfied with the result, John stretched and allowed himself a big yawn, taking a visible pleasure in hearing himself and feeling his body stretch. Slowly he started walking down the long path, dark field on one side, forest on the other side, darker still.

Twilight doesn't 'waver,' perhaps 'break'?" Delete "in his body" -- understood. Change "bringing himself up to" to "brought himself to." Delete "with the result" -- unnecessary. Delete "a visible." Delete the "side" after "forest on the other" -- understood.

The world around him was starting to wake up. Birds first, a solitary voice and then more, and louder, with unconditional happiness greeting the advancing dawn. The air grew clearer still, obtaining an almost crystal quality to it, like liquid quartz enveloping and suffusing, sparkling in the tiny drops of dew. The sun was rising somewhere behind the forest , licking the sky blushing pink and bringing colour into the darkness of the foliage and the wheat of the field. John could feel the happiness rising in his chest with the sun, and he thought that if he really wanted to, he could probably fly up into the sky just with the strength of this incredible feeling that was spreading through him, becoming him.

Simplify. Try: "The world was waking." "Unconditional happiness" too psychological. How about "beatific joy," "exuberant delight" or some such? Air description too wordy. Maybe something like "the air grew clearer, crystalline, liquid quartz sparkling in the dewdrops." Delete "somewhere." Following sentence too wordy. Maybe something like: "The blushing sky washed the dark wheat field with pink." Delete "in his chest." Following: simplify. "He felt transported, soaring heavenward, dancing in God's golden dawn" or some such.

The insects had woken up, the green lightning of a dragonfly zoomed right in front of Jon's face, startling him.The morning was in the full bloom now, the air had grown warm and John could feel the sun on the back of his neck as he walked on. He soon started to sweat and stopped to take his jacket and, after some consideration, his shirt off. Carefully wrapping the sleeves around his waist he noticed a tiny frog that jumped out on to the path right in front of him. He froze, watching it watching him with its eyes the colour of the molten gold until it decided that he was nothing more than a strange piece of wood and hopped off to do whatever it was that frogs do on a beautiful summer morning.

Simplify: "a dragonfly, green lightening, zoomed past his face, startling him." Delete "soon," and put your preposition after the verb, not at the end. Following: Fix that dangling participle. Put your frog in a seperate sentence, and make it less wordy.

The sun was now above the forest, almost blinding in its brightness, heat just verging on becoming uncomfortable but John walked on, smiling to himself, not a thought in his head, completely absorbed with all the Lilliputian life going on around him: somber beetles borrowing into the yellow dust of the path, swallows diving down on to the unsuspecting meaty caterpillars, gracefully solid bumblebee flying by with the determination of the air missile.. The world was beautiful and he was beautiful with it.
He sat down to take his shoes and socks off, digging his bare toes into the soft warm dust on the road. He felt almost like a child now and.......

Delete "just verging on." This might be a better place to include the jacket and shirt removal than the previous paragraph. Delete "not a thought in his head." "completely absorbed with" makes this understood. Delete "completely" "all" and "going on." -- extraneous. I can't quite picture beetles as 'somber' -- delete? Swallows take insects on the wing, not resting caterpillars. Maybe something like "flitting swallows snatching insects from the air." "Graceful" and "solid" clash, I'd delete both. Delete "air" -- all missiles are air missiles. "Missile" connotes speed. Bumblebees are slow and...bumbling. How about something like "a stolid bumblebee buzzed by."

-C'mon mate, time's up - the craggy hand was shaking John, as he desperately tried to not wake up, to stay in the warmth of the sun but inevitably slipping further into the awakening and the grim reality of a grubby room and a shiny face of a fat man who was mercilessly shaking and shaking and shaking him.

Mountains are craggy. Hands are rough, gnarled, calloused, &c. Full-stop after "sun." simplify "slipping further into the awakening...." with "waking to a grubby room..." or some such. delete "shiney" "who was" and one of the "shakings."

-C'mon, you dont geup now an I'd charge ya more - the man's breath smelt of stale beer and fresh tobacco smoke as he bent down to see if John opened his eyes. John pushed the man away weakly and sat up, hitting his head on the hanging mishmash of the wires and some other unidentifiable metal objects hanging above the trolley bed with gray sheets.

Replace "fresh tobacco smoke" with "tobacco." Wires aren't a "mishmash" they're a "tangle." Delete "and some other unidentified." Simplify to "gray sheeted bed."

-Thas allwait, ya allwait mate, juss little headspin an ya allwait- the fat man was quickly moving his hands around John's half naked body, tearing the suction pads with the wires on them from John's skin, fussing, sweating, constantly repeating his allwait, as if it had some meaning. Next thing John knew he was walking down the narrow corridor with the identical grimy doors, already dressed in his shirt and suit but still holding his shoes in his hands. The corridor led them to the equally grimy lounge with well used assorted sofas around a coffee table on three legs with some magazines on top full of girls with old eyes.

Simplify: "the man moved quickly, pulling wires from John's half naked body, repeating his reassurances." or some such. Put "dressed" after "he was" and leave it at that. Delete "them." Simplify the lounge description.

-Juss wait a sec ere mate- fat man pushed John towards the sofa so hard that John almost fell over and had to take couple of small sideways leaps to balance himself up. Fat man meanwhile went behind the front desk, getting the big archaic calculator out and counting something busily, frowning, silently moving his lips and writing the results on a small scrap of paper.

Delete "up." Replace "getting the big, archaic calculator out..." with something simpler like "went behind a desk and began pecking at an ancient calculator, frowning..."

-Ere mate, four hundred and eighteen quid please. - Fat man was standing above John with his hand outstretched.


-But the advert said- John already was fishing for his wallet, knowing the futility of his weak protest.
-Thass for ordinary dreams mate, you know murder and sex, thass half pwice, yo one I had to order from Japan, we dont nomally stock stuff of this quali'y. Q-u-a-l-i'y- repeated fat man, visibly enjoying the word, giving the credit card back to John who was already standing by the door ready to leave, patted him on a shoulder and ever so slightly pushed him further towards the exit. John opened the glass door and stepped onto the pavement, immediately blending in with the surrounding grayness of the sky and buildings around him in his gray suit. Fat man watched John to dissapear into the croud and shook his head.
-Them city guys- he muttered to himself, John's face already completely erased from his memory as thousands before him.

I don't understand how John chose a premium dream without being aware of the price difference. Quotations around "Q-u-a-l-i-t-y." "Full-stop after "leave." New sentence: "The fat man patted John on the shoulder..." Simplify "ever so slightly pushed him further..." to something like "nudged." ("Further", in this case, should be "farther," by the way -- further = greater degree, farther = greater distance). Quotations around "Them city guys." Delete "to himself." Simplify. Something like: "John stepped from the glass door and disappeared -- blending instantly into the greyness of the crowd and cityscape." Quotations around "Them city guys." Question: why would a businessman in the midst of a city be muttering about "them city guys?" It implies he normally has a rural clientele. Delete "to himself." Clumsy wording. How about something lie "his face fading into the thousands preceeding him."

[Seyorni]

I liked your story, katiafish; an idyll interrupted by a grotty reality.
Your goal is to recreate John's enchantment in the reader. To do this you need to address the right brain with emotionally charged words. Complete sentences aren't necessary here, but you need to avoid anything that would engage the right, analytic hemisphere. You paint with emotion, not logic. Complicated descriptions are unnecessary. The reader will fill in where necessary with his own imagination. A few emotive nouns or adjectivesis all that's needed -- "a dragonfly," "green lightening," "zoomed.You also need to avoid reality-jarring things like swift, graceful bumblebees wich would switch a Nature-savvy reader into analytic mode.