Favorite J. Golden Kimball Stories (Jesus Christ, priest, Latter-Day Saints, exodus)

[jonny]

I got the idea for this thread from this article on a new book - Brother Paul's Mormon Bathroom Reader - which is filled with Mormon folklore. At the end of the article, it has this list of "supposed" J. Golden Kimball quotes:

* "I love all of the brethren, but I love some a hell of a lot more than I do others."

* Speaking at a funeral in San Francisco, J. Golden Kimball remarked he knew the deceased was a good man because he read the church-owned Deseret News. "And it takes a damn good man to do that."

* "I may not walk the straight and the narrow, but I sure as hell try to cross it as often as I can."

* "Some people say a person receives a position in this church through revelation, and others say they get it through inspiration, but I say they get it through relation. If I hadn't been related to Heber C. Kimball, I wouldn't have been a damn thing in this church."

* "Young men, always marry a woman from Sanpete County. No matter what hard times you experience together, she has seen worse."

Anyway, I was wondering what your favorite J. Golden Kimball story is. Perhaps we can actually put some of his sermons, some of which are actually pretty good, in this thread also.


For those of you who are unfamiliar with Elder Kimball, he was an LDS general authority in the early 1900s who has obtained folklore status with LDS members. Here is a biography from Wikipedia.com:

Jonathan Golden Kimball (June 9, 1853 - September 2, 1938) was a prominent and well known leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, serving as a member of the First Council of the Seventy from 1892 until his death in 1938. He is considered one of the most colorful and beloved of the Church's General Authorities during this period.

Kimball was born in Salt Lake City, Utah, the son of Apostle Heber C. Kimball and Christeen Golden Kimball. He was one of sixty-five children fathered by Heber C. Kimball. Kimball was one of the first generation of Mormons to be born after the exodus to Utah in 1847, and was familiar with the pioneer experience and the expansion of Mormon settlements in the intermountain region.

Kimball was the oldest of three children and was only fifteen when his father died. To support the family, he left school and became a mule driver. His mother sewed for Zion's Co-operative Mercantile Institution or ZCMI, one of the first department stores in the United States, and kept boarders. In 1876, he and his brother Elias established a horse and cattle ranch in Meadowville, Rich County, and moved there with their immediate family. He cut timber during the winter for use in the construction of the LDS Logan Temple and also worked as superintendent of a lumber mill. After hearing a 1881 speech by the German-born educator Karl G. Maeser, Kimball and Elias decided to leave their ranch and return to school. They attended Brigham Young Academy in Provo.

After two profitable years of education, he was called as a missionary to the southern United States on April 6, 1883 by LDS President John Taylor. Kimball remembered that he:

… left Chattanooga, Tennessee, with twenty-seven elders assigned to the Southern States. There were all kinds of elders in the company--farmers, cowboys, few educated--a pretty hard-looking crowd, and I was one of that kind. The elders preached, and talked, and sang, and advertised loudly their calling as preachers. I kept still for once in my life; I hardly opened my mouth. I saw a gentleman on the train. I can visualize that man now. I didn't know who he was. He knew we were a band of Mormon elders. The elders soon commenced a discussion and argument with the stranger, and before he got through they were in grave doubt about their message of salvation. He gave them a training that they never forgot. That man proved to be (LDS Mission) President B. H. Roberts. (Conference Report, October 1933, page 42)

Kimball served in a time of great persecution and some violence in the South. He was serving in the mission office in Chattanooga, as mission secretary, when three LDS elders were killed by a mob as they held services on Sunday, August 10, 1884. Although he developed a case of malaria, which troubled him for many years, Kimball remained active in the mission until his release in the spring of 1885.

Kimball returned to ranching in the Bear Lake Valley and married Jennie Knowlton, a daughter of John Q. and Ellen Smith Knowlton. The couple had six children, three boys and three girls. Due to his distinguished record as a missionary, he was called to return as president of the Southern States mission in 1892. In a conference address in 1927, he summarized his experiences in the southern states:

I was in the South three years, presiding over the mission, under the greatest hardships and the greatest difficulties I have ever endured in all my life...yet I have had the greatest joy and the greatest peace and happiness.

In 1892, while still serving as mission president, Kimball was called to be an LDS general authority as a member of the First Council of Seventy. He modestly and humorously attributed his new position to his father's influence:

Some people say a person receives a position in this church through revelation, and others say they get it through inspiration, but I say they get it through relation. If I hadn't been related to Heber C. Kimball I wouldn't have been a damn thing in this church."

Kimball served as an LDS general authority for forty-six years. During the time, it was customary for church leaders to frequently travel to Mormon communities in the western territories and states. Kimball gave hundreds of sermons, sparkling with humor and wit. He was well known for swearing good naturedly from the pulpit, sprinkling "damns" and "hells" into his speeches. Although the habit was of concern to other church leaders, and subjected him to counsel from his close friend LDS President Heber J. Grant on many occasions, this common touch made Kimball one of the most beloved leaders in the history of the Mormon Church. Asked how he could get away with the way he spoke, Elder Kimball is said to have replied: Hell, they can't excommunicate me. I repent too damned fast.

"J. Golden" stories have become a type of folklore for members of the LDS Church. One of the best known has Church President Grant writing a "clean" radio speech for Kimball and ordering him to read it. However, once on the air, Kimball struggled with Grant's handwriting and finally exclaimed, Hell, Heber, I can't read this damn thing.

Western author Wallace Stegner recorded in "Mormon Country":

J. Golden was the one high dignitary who could keep any audience from sleep. They called him the Will Rogers of the Church. That was a mistake. He should never have been compared with anyone, because J. Golden was an original. Throughout the Mormon Country he is already a legend. Anecdotes and stories float through every Mormon hamlet, and there is even a kind of fraternity of storytellers specializing in J. Golden stories. But like all originals, he defies transcription. He was himself, no less, no more, and nobody knew it better than he.

Kimball was acting as the senior President of the Seventy when he was killed in 1938, at the age of seventy-five, in an automobile accident in the Nevada desert fifty miles east of Reno.

[Katzpur]

Originally Posted by jonny

I got the idea for this thread from this article on a new book - Brother Paul's Mormon Bathroom Reader - which is filled with Mormon folklore. At the end of the article, it has this list of "supposed" J. Golden Kimball quotes:

Anyway, I was wondering what your favorite J. Golden Kimball story is. Perhaps we can actually put some of his sermons, some of which are actually pretty good, in this thread also.


For those of you who are unfamiliar with Elder Kimball, he was an LDS general authority in the early 1900s who has obtained folklore status with LDS members. Here is a biography from Wikipedia.com:

I wouldn't even know where to begin. The man is my hero!

For anybody just peeking in on this thread -- read jonny's first quote if nothing else. God broke the mold after He created J. Golden.

[jonny]

Originally Posted by Katzpur

I wouldn't even know where to begin. The man is my hero!

You can at least tell your favorite.

He's my hero, too. I don't think there will ever be another one like him...cowboy general authorities.

[Katzpur]

Originally Posted by jonny

You can at least tell your favorite.

He's my hero, too. I don't think there will ever be another one like him...cowboy general authorities.

Will do, but it will probably have to wait till tomorrow. I've got to sign off for the rest of the evening.

[SoyLeche]

I heard this one on the TV a while ago, and I don't remember it word for word - but here is the jist of it:

J. Golden Kimbal was giving a tour of Salt Lake City to some people from the East Coast. They passed some prominent buildings in the city, and Kimbal was explaining things about their construction, such as how long they took to be built. One annoying tourist kept saying, after every building they went to, that back East they could have built these buildings in half the time. Kimbal was getting rather annoyed with this guy. Finally, they came around a corner and saw the Salt Lake Temple. The annoying man was amazed, and asked what the building was. Kimbal replied, "I have no idea, it wasn't there yesterday."

[jonny]

Uncle Golden's struggles with the Word of Wisdom sometimes forced him into ironic circumstances. On one occasion, he was asked to go to Cache Valley where the stake president had decided to call all the Melchizedek priesthood holders together for the purpose of emphasizing the importance of the Word of Wisdom. Uncle Golden didn't realize this was going to be the theme until he got there. As a matter of fact, he didn't know what he was to speak about until the stake president announced it in introducing Uncle Golden: "J. Golden Kimball will now speak to us on the subject of the Word of Wisdom." Uncle Golden didn't know what to say. He stood at the pulpit for a long time waiting for some inspiration; he didn't want to be a hypocrite and he knew he had problems with this principle. So finally he looked at the audience and said, "I'd like to know how many of you brethren have never had a puff on a cigarette in all your life. Would you please stand?' Well, Uncle Golden related later that much to his amazement most of the brethren in that audience stood. He looked at them for a long time and then said, 'Now, all of you that are standing, I want to know how many of you have never had a taste of whiskey in all your life. If you have, sit down.' Again, to Uncle Golden's amazement, only a few of the brethren sat down. The rest of them stood there proudly looking at him and then there was a long silence. I guess Uncle Golden thought they looked a little too self-righteous, because his next comment was, "Well, brethren, you don't know what the hell you've missed."

J. Golden Nuggets, More Words Of Wisdom
By James N. Kimball
Sunstone 10:3/41 (Mar 85)

[Bishka]

pu

Originally Posted by SoyLeche

I heard this one on the TV a while ago, and I don't remember it word for word - but here is the jist of it:

J. Golden Kimbal was giving a tour of Salt Lake City to some people from the East Coast. They passed some prominent buildings in the city, and Kimbal was explaining things about their construction, such as how long they took to be built. One annoying tourist kept saying, after every building they went to, that back East they could have built these buildings in half the time. Kimbal was getting rather annoyed with this guy. Finally, they came around a corner and saw the Salt Lake Temple. The annoying man was amazed, and asked what the building was. Kimbal replied, "I have no idea, it wasn't there yesterday."

I've heard that one and I love it. It's hilarious.