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  #1  
Old 11-01-2011, 11:16 AM
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Default How do you get rid of hatred for someone and forgive them?

I'm wrestling with this (I definitely need to increase my Valium dosage). I have a sister-in-law whom I absolutely detest and despise because of her actions. I try to see God in her and everyone, but it is her material self I hate with such an unbridled passion, I actually wish her dead. It is for the selfish reason that she would finally be out of my life.

For over 15 years being with my partner, his sister has caused one problem after another. The latest was calling Social Services on my partner and me and falsely accusing us of mistreating and neglecting their mother (who was ill and lived with us, being a co-owner), and defrauding her of her money. Funny, it is I who supported the house for the past 8 years, paying out over $265,000 to support us. The old lady only had a $910 Social Security check. Without me, she would have lost the house and been in a nursing home several years ago.

So the s-i-l takes her mother to live with her, transfers insurance beneficiary, power-of-attorney, bank account, and Social Security to her address, claiming her mother said she couldn't trust us. She's all about getting money, and is a consummate liar. She even wanted to cheapen the funeral so there would be more insurance money left over for her.

But in the 8 years we lived in the house, my m-i-l was fed, clothed and cared for, in her own home. Since her daughter took her to live with her in June, the mother has been in and out of the hospital due to infections, going on a hunger strike, and seeing quack doctors who said her diabetes was cured, no need to take her medicine. The daughter refused to let her mother speak to my partner, which upset him greatly.

My m-i-l died on Sunday. Now we have the viewings and funeral to deal with. I have no intention of even looking at my s-i-l. I don't talk to dead people, and she is dead to me. She went one step too far in accusing us as she did. To me that was unforgiveable.

Now, why am I saying all this here? Because I do not know how to get past my hatred for this creature and find it in my being to ever forgive her. After the funeral I have no intention of ever seeing her again. While she will inherit part of the house, I will threaten a lien on her portion for the amount of money I put out to support her mother. She could never repay me. But it's the only way I can stop this greedy @#$*%&! in her tracks and be done with her.

My hatred for her is consuming me and turning me into something I don't like. I can barely look my images of Krishna in the eye during prayers knowing what a hypocrite I am. I've prayed to Maa Kali and Maa Durga to remove the negative energy; I have their icons in various places (including on the window of the house door).

This is totally adharmic of me, but I don't know how to let it go. I talk to my therapist about it, but it's as if I need this hatred. God, I hate myself for it.
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śivasya hridayam viṣṇur viṣṇoscha hridayam śivah
"Vishnu is the heart of Shiva and Shiva is the heart of Vishnu"

ॐ नमो नारायणाय
oṃ namo nārāyaṇāya
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  #2  
Old 11-01-2011, 11:32 AM
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I don't know if a response from a non-Hindu will help you, but I know about hatred. I have spent over a decade hating my mom's brother who sold drugs while living with my grandmother, emotionally and physically abused my grandmother until she had a stroke and had to go to a home, and threatened to kill my mother and other relatives.

Grandmother's been dead 8 years now, and I haven't seen the uncle for several years, but I still get furious when I think about the pain he caused so many.

People say that what goes around comes around. Or basically, karma will get them. Last time I heard anything about this uncle, he was diagnosed with lung disease from smoking. I'd like to think that people reap what they sow in the end, and it may take years, but all bills eventually come due. I think evil has a way of coming back to those who send it out. At least, that's how I make sense of the bad things in life and the bad people.

I don't know if that helps. Your m-i-l was lucky to have you and her son. Lots of old people have no one.
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  #3  
Old 11-01-2011, 11:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TouchedbytheLord View Post
I'm wrestling with this (I definitely need to increase my Valium dosage). I have a sister-in-law whom I absolutely detest and despise because of her actions. I try to see God in her and everyone, but it is her material self I hate with such an unbridled passion, I actually wish her dead. It is for the selfish reason that she would finally be out of my life.

For over 15 years being with my partner, his sister has caused one problem after another. The latest was calling Social Services on my partner and me and falsely accusing us of mistreating and neglecting their mother (who was ill and lived with us, being a co-owner), and defrauding her of her money. Funny, it is I who supported the house for the past 8 years, paying out over $265,000 to support us. The old lady only had a $910 Social Security check. Without me, she would have lost the house and been in a nursing home several years ago.

So the s-i-l takes her mother to live with her, transfers insurance beneficiary, power-of-attorney, bank account, and Social Security to her address, claiming her mother said she couldn't trust us. She's all about getting money, and is a consummate liar. She even wanted to cheapen the funeral so there would be more insurance money left over for her.

But in the 8 years we lived in the house, my m-i-l was fed, clothed and cared for, in her own home. Since her daughter took her to live with her in June, the mother has been in and out of the hospital due to infections, going on a hunger strike, and seeing quack doctors who said her diabetes was cured, no need to take her medicine. The daughter refused to let her mother speak to my partner, which upset him greatly.

My m-i-l died on Sunday. Now we have the viewings and funeral to deal with. I have no intention of even looking at my s-i-l. I don't talk to dead people, and she is dead to me. She went one step too far in accusing us as she did. To me that was unforgiveable.

Now, why am I saying all this here? Because I do not know how to get past my hatred for this creature and find it in my being to ever forgive her. After the funeral I have no intention of ever seeing her again. While she will inherit part of the house, I will threaten a lien on her portion for the amount of money I put out to support her mother. She could never repay me. But it's the only way I can stop this greedy @#$*%&! in her tracks and be done with her.

My hatred for her is consuming me and turning me into something I don't like. I can barely look my images of Krishna in the eye during prayers knowing what a hypocrite I am. I've prayed to Maa Kali and Maa Durga to remove the negative energy; I have their icons in various places (including on the window of the house door).

This is totally adharmic of me, but I don't know how to let it go. I talk to my therapist about it, but it's as if I need this hatred. God, I hate myself for it.
This may sound harsh, but: Find a nice picture of her, put it on the altar beside Krishna, and place a flower there every day, just as you do with Krishna. The Hindu path is one of love. She is a daughter of Krishna.
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  #4  
Old 11-01-2011, 12:08 PM
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Thanks.

My sister also told me the wheel turns, her version of "Instant Karma's Gonna Get You". And I know that. It's not my place to adjudicate karma or judgment. I know karma will get this woman.

I wish I could get rid of the hatred, let it go and forgive her. Not necessarily ever have contact with her, but to just let it go. Maybe I'm not praying enough for the help.
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śivasya hridayam viṣṇur viṣṇoscha hridayam śivah
"Vishnu is the heart of Shiva and Shiva is the heart of Vishnu"

ॐ नमो नारायणाय
oṃ namo nārāyaṇāya
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  #5  
Old 11-01-2011, 12:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinayaka View Post
This may sound harsh, but: Find a nice picture of her, put it on the altar beside Krishna, and place a flower there every day, just as you do with Krishna. The Hindu path is one of love. She is a daughter of Krishna.
No, it's not harsh. As I said, I do know that Krishna is within her too. Hatred is as much himsa as physical hurt. It harms the hater and the hated. I won't lie and say your suggestion will be an easy one, but it may be the right one.
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śivasya hridayam viṣṇur viṣṇoscha hridayam śivah
"Vishnu is the heart of Shiva and Shiva is the heart of Vishnu"

ॐ नमो नारायणाय
oṃ namo nārāyaṇāya
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  #6  
Old 11-01-2011, 12:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TouchedbytheLord View Post
I'm wrestling with this (I definitely need to increase my Valium dosage). I have a sister-in-law whom I absolutely detest and despise because of her actions. I try to see God in her and everyone, but it is her material self I hate with such an unbridled passion, I actually wish her dead. It is for the selfish reason that she would finally be out of my life.

For over 15 years being with my partner, his sister has caused one problem after another. The latest was calling Social Services on my partner and me and falsely accusing us of mistreating and neglecting their mother (who was ill and lived with us, being a co-owner), and defrauding her of her money. Funny, it is I who supported the house for the past 8 years, paying out over $265,000 to support us. The old lady only had a $910 Social Security check. Without me, she would have lost the house and been in a nursing home several years ago.

So the s-i-l takes her mother to live with her, transfers insurance beneficiary, power-of-attorney, bank account, and Social Security to her address, claiming her mother said she couldn't trust us. She's all about getting money, and is a consummate liar. She even wanted to cheapen the funeral so there would be more insurance money left over for her.

But in the 8 years we lived in the house, my m-i-l was fed, clothed and cared for, in her own home. Since her daughter took her to live with her in June, the mother has been in and out of the hospital due to infections, going on a hunger strike, and seeing quack doctors who said her diabetes was cured, no need to take her medicine. The daughter refused to let her mother speak to my partner, which upset him greatly.

My m-i-l died on Sunday. Now we have the viewings and funeral to deal with. I have no intention of even looking at my s-i-l. I don't talk to dead people, and she is dead to me. She went one step too far in accusing us as she did. To me that was unforgiveable.

Now, why am I saying all this here? Because I do not know how to get past my hatred for this creature and find it in my being to ever forgive her. After the funeral I have no intention of ever seeing her again. While she will inherit part of the house, I will threaten a lien on her portion for the amount of money I put out to support her mother. She could never repay me. But it's the only way I can stop this greedy @#$*%&! in her tracks and be done with her.

My hatred for her is consuming me and turning me into something I don't like. I can barely look my images of Krishna in the eye during prayers knowing what a hypocrite I am. I've prayed to Maa Kali and Maa Durga to remove the negative energy; I have their icons in various places (including on the window of the house door).

This is totally adharmic of me, but I don't know how to let it go. I talk to my therapist about it, but it's as if I need this hatred. God, I hate myself for it.
Dead might be too much. Tell Krishna to play a life-changing prank to her You deserve to laugh at her after so much frowning at her

Quote:
Originally Posted by TouchedbytheLord View Post
No, it's not harsh. As I said, I do know that Krishna is within her too. Hatred is as much himsa as physical hurt. It harms the hater and the hated. I won't lie and say your suggestion will be an easy one, but it may be the right one.
Many blessings in your practise, and may it bare very good fruit!
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  #7  
Old 11-01-2011, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Me Myself View Post
Dead might be too much. Tell Krishna to play a life-changing prank to her You deserve to laugh at her after so much frowning at her
The dead part is definitely from selfish motives, that I won't deny. I wouldn't laugh at it, though. In a way I actually pity her. I know what punishments probably await me, and I deserve them, but I don't she think has any concept of it. And more's the pity.

I really wish she would have some life altering experience that makes her see the light. Maybe I don't really hate her the way I'm saying; I just hate what she does and why.

Quote:
Many blessings in your practise, and may it bare very good fruit!
Thank you.
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śivasya hridayam viṣṇur viṣṇoscha hridayam śivah
"Vishnu is the heart of Shiva and Shiva is the heart of Vishnu"

ॐ नमो नारायणाय
oṃ namo nārāyaṇāya
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  #8  
Old 11-01-2011, 02:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TouchedbytheLord View Post
My m-i-l died on Sunday. Now we have the viewings and funeral to deal with. I have no intention of even looking at my s-i-l. I don't talk to dead people, and she is dead to me. She went one step too far in accusing us as she did. To me that was unforgiveable.
Turning it over in my head, I've come to the conclusion that I have to start letting it go, or it will consume me. Moreover, how can I expect to be forgiven my sins by whatever karma there is if I refuse to do the same?

Ignoring or snubbing her would say more about me than it would about her. I have more class than that. Now, there won't be any deep tongue kisses maybe just an air kiss and an "I'm sorry about Mom".

I have to spend more time praying for the strength to overcome this. Though I cannot forget it, because "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it".
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śivasya hridayam viṣṇur viṣṇoscha hridayam śivah
"Vishnu is the heart of Shiva and Shiva is the heart of Vishnu"

ॐ नमो नारायणाय
oṃ namo nārāyaṇāya
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  #9  
Old 11-01-2011, 03:13 PM
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Perhaps you can find a symbol for your hatred (such as a deep red flower, a flame, or whatever) and mentally offer it to the feet of you Ishtadevata in Mediatation?
When you do puja and if your symbol is one that can me found in material world (red flower for instance) you could also offer it at the end of your puja saying "My Lord! For you, god and bad, love and hate are equal. I offer you thos feeling. Please take it, I don't want it anymore.".
Than you lay the symbol for your hate down at the picture of your Ishtadevata.
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Old 11-01-2011, 03:19 PM
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Forgive me for not being a Hindu and posting here. However, people need to realize that forgiveness is for one's self, not for the other person. Holding on to grudges or negative feelings only hurts yourself. Additionally, you need to see that people who do such things, generally can't help themselves, or don't think about what they do. Looking at it this way, it's like being mad at the mountain for having a landslide, or being mad at the river for flooding. It serves no purpose to harbor blame or negative feelings about something that just is, and these feelings only harm yourself. When you see forgiveness in this light, I find it becomes a much easier, and natural thing to do.
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