Idiot compassion (salvation, grace, mission, God, service)

[Karl R]

I don't live in a great neighborhood. I get asked for change a few times a day by strangers. I never give them any.

I know the statistics. There's more than a 90% chance that the person asking me for money intends to spend it on alcohol or some other addiction. If I help them feed their addiction, I'm doing something evil, not something good.


I was reading "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das and found a very similar sentiment expressed:

A friend addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or shopping pleads with you to loan him money - "just one last time" - to feed his habit. Your child begs for permission to do something that you know is potentially self-destructive or dangerous. Your mate is consistently hurtful, abusive, and unkind, yet you consistently forgive him or her. Your troubled relative or friend does something you know is wrong, and then convinces you to participate in a cover-up so that he or she will not have to face the consequences. If you give in to such demands, you are practicing "idiot compassion."


I constantly see people give money to strangers. Some may feel pity, others may just want to get them out of their faces. None of them seem to think (or care) about how that money is going to get used.


There are other ways to help, if you're willing to take the time.

If someone comes up to me and asks for money for food, I either offer them some food (if I'm carrying some), or I offer to go buy them some (if I have time). Sometimes someone will take me up on my offer. More often I'm given excuses why that won't work, and they really need me to give them some money instead.

In any case, it's very hard to pay for a beer with a tuna sandwich.

Some people carry around gift certificates for food or bus tokens that they give when someone asks for food or money for the bus. That's ineffective. They'll immediately try to sell them for money. (I'm one of the people they try to sell them to.)

If you don't have the time to get personally involved, I recommend giving money only to reputable charities. They'll make certain the money gets used in a beneficial manner by somebody.

I know some people who carry around non-perishable food to give away. It's frequently refused, and sometimes thrown away, but it can't be used to buy beer either.

There's one more way you can show compassion without feeding someone's addiction:
Treat them like they're human. Make eye contact. Exchange pleasantries. You don't have to become their friend. Just show them the same courtesy you'd show another total stranger. Most people treat them like trash, so it does mean something to them.


How do the rest of you feel? Do you agree that it's categorically wrong to give money to strangers who ask you for change?

[Buttercup]

I don't see how you could call it 'wrong' to give money to the homeless, but I do understand your concerns. I don't give money often to strangers, but on occasion I do. Of course I prefer to help in other ways such as with our local homeless shelter. And I have given the homeless on the street food many times like you have. That way at least they get something good to eat.

The homeless are a sad situation and no matter what....they deserve our compassion just like any other human. We are in agreement there for sure.

[standing_alone]

Originally Posted by Karl R

How do the rest of you feel? Do you agree that it's categorically wrong to give money to strangers who ask you for change?

I don't care either way. If I have spare change and somebody asks for some, I will usually give it. I don't care if it goes to food or an addiction, I'd prefer it go torwards food, but I'm not here to judge what people spend the money on and if someone wants a few spare coins or a dollar from me, they can have it. I'd rather give that person the money in hopes it goes to food than rather not give it at all.

[Ardent Listener]

[quote=Karl R]


I was reading "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das and found a very similar sentiment expressed:

A friend addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or shopping pleads with you to loan him money - "just one last time" - to feed his habit. Your child begs for permission to do something that you know is potentially self-destructive or dangerous. Your mate is consistently hurtful, abusive, and unkind, yet you consistently forgive him or her. Your troubled relative or friend does something you know is wrong, and then convinces you to participate in a cover-up so that he or she will not have to face the consequences. If you give in to such demands, you are practicing "idiot compassion."


quote]

Sometimes "tough love" is true love.

[lunamoth]

The above is a good perspective to hear, so thank you for that. Actually, I do not encounter pan-handlers very often because, well, I live in the 'burbs and I just don't get out much. But, if people do ask me for money on the street and if I have a couple of bucks in my pocket and I can get to without fumbling around, I will give it to them. Even though I know they may (probably) just use it towards drugs or alcohol. But I figure I don't know that ahead of time. They tell me they need a couple of bucks, I have a couple bucks, it might must be used to buy food or something necessary. They might think I'm just another sucker, and resent me, or they might just view it as an act of much needed kindness. <shrug> I think I would have a different strategy if I was accosted all the time near my home. Those you suggest are very good.

Part of the reason I want to give them a couple bucks is this. One time after just finishing reading Atlas Shrugged I passed a person asking for money on the street. Instead of my usual confusion between compassion and thinking this person will just use the money for drugs I found myself thinking "ha, if he wants money he can work for it like the rest of us! Why should I support his habits and bad decisions! Better for the rest of us if he just gets eeked out of this niche of begging on the corner."

My lack of compassion shames me to this day. And it's not that I did not give him a couple of bucks, because as you say it probably would have been a waste, or worse. It was how I thought about him, how hard my heart felt.

So, am I giving money out of guilt? No, I really don't think that is it. I do do some of the other good stuff you suggest above. I do it to remind myself, 'there but for the grace of God go I."

2 c,
lunamoth

[Booko]

Originally Posted by Karl R

How do the rest of you feel? Do you agree that it's categorically wrong to give money to strangers who ask you for change?

Yes.

And it's not like there isn't anything else you can do. You can take to the grocery food and get them some food. You can drive them to the local social service or Salvation Army who whoever there is to help.

What amazes me is how often people come up to me asking for money for food, and when I offer them food, they won't take it. I don't mean partially eaten crummy food or anything. I just mean the lunch I have packed in the cooler.

There's one lady in downtown Atlanta who has been asking for money for food because she's pregnant...let's see...I think she's been pregnant about 5 years now?

[nutshell]

Thanks for the post Karl R. I agree with you. There are plenty of programs set up to help people in these situations --- generally, they shouldn't need to pan handle (but I'm sure they bring in more than gov't. assistance would give them).

Two days ago, there was a woman at a stop sign on a busy road. She had a sign, was holding her hand out, and was groovin' to some music she was listening to on her iPod!

I don't have an iPod! If I give her money, what's she going to spend it on? Some iTunes???

[Jaiket]

Originally Posted by Booko

What amazes me is how often people come up to me asking for money for food, and when I offer them food, they won't take it.

Really? Beggars really can be choosers.

I normally give some change to people on the street. I know people who've been there. Regardless of addictions homeless people have to raise the money to feed themselves.

If my change is going to feed addictions I can live with that, I'm positive if I was sleeping on the streets I'd be drunk beyond oblivion every night.

[Mike182]

hmmm, i normally don't give money to homeless people, instead i give money to one of our local charities that help the homeless.

i cna remember walking through town one day though, and a homeless guy came up to us, and said "sorry mate, but ive got an addiction to crack, and i'm desperate......."

yer, i gave him money for his honesty more than anything else. maybe i was an idiot, maybe i was wrong to do it, but he didn't think so........ i guess thats the point your trying to make though, isn't it? he is not in a state to think properly about his life, how to get out of the rut he is in, and we keep allowing him to feed his addictions.

[kevmicsmi]

I find it interesting when I see the same guy on the same corner holding up the same sign saying he ran out of gas on the way to california. That poor guy must have horrible luck. Hes been trying to pay for gas for months