Travel troubles (punishment, hell, Israel, verse)

[alowyn]

Hey guys, please help...
I have a speech competition on Tuesday, and as usual i'm doing a humorous speech. This year, it's going to be travel tales. Here's my speech so far, just tell me if you think it's funny enough, and if you have any stories you'd like to share that could work

thanks, and i do hope you'll enjoy it (note: i do know the French isn't spelt right, i specifically modified it to help my pronounciation. And yes, i need to learn how to pronounce it properly and that my pronounciation is horribly wrong. i do have some Canadian friends who'll fix me )

Medammes e messieurs, wa schang hao. Meri naam Ori Ben-ze’ev hain, memnum oldun, merhaba, salaam alekum, ve erev naim lekulkhem. Quiero hablar con ustedes sobre algo hermoso y encantado and if you are still with me, you are fit for travel. And while language is not the only thing that travelling is about, the lack of understanding, both linguistically and otherwise, is what most often leads to the embarrassing and comical tales which are always the best part of the journey.



While it is good to know a few basic phrases of the local language when travelling to a foreign country, sometimes it is probably better to just settle with English. After all, for better or worse, the influence of the Crown did penetrate most of the world, and you’re bound to find someone who understands enough to help you. A friend of mine once travelled to Israel to meet his extended family again, who he had not seen for a two years. Upon meeting his cousin, he commented that she had changed so much in the past two years, and how wonderful she looked without her glasses. Unfortunately, he mixed up his words a bit. He accidentally said that she had changed so much in the past two hours and she looked so wonderful without her pants.



Of course, the reverse is just as common, and sometimes the locals deserve an “E” for effort when it comes to English, but may want to ask a kind traveller for a bit of help. For example, a sign advertising donkey rides in Thailand reads, “Would you like to ride on your own ***?” Well, that sounds fun. A brochure at a car-rental in Tokyo also gave some insight to travellers regarding the Japanese rule of the road: “When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.”



Sometimes, however, the lack of language is more discomforting than the misunderstanding of languages. Has anyone here ever been on an Underground Train, or some form of public transportation alone? Scary, isn’t it? You’re just standing there, holding on to the safety pole, just surrounded by those people with those zombie-like stares. It’s as if they want to say something, but they can’t. Why is that? Is there some unwritten law preventing one from speaking on public transportation? Was there an act passed by the UN? Does talking to strangers on a subway violate human rights? Of course when you do say hello to the person next to you, you just receive the worst punishment possible. Everyone simply stares at you. You don’t want to say anything else. Trust us. You don’t.

[Feathers in Hair]

I love it! (The Tokyo car rental brochure is one of my all-time favorites.)