Unitarian Jihad (moral, Buddhism, blood, evolution, America)

[Jaymes]

I got this in an email, and it thoroughly amused me. Thought you guys might enjoy it as well.

"Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution. Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist leader says."

[lilithu]

Originally Posted by Jensa

I got this in an email, and it thoroughly amused me. Thought you guys might enjoy it as well.

Ack!! What is it with you guys on RF today? Everyone is making me laugh so hard I can't breathe!

Clearly written by someone who knows our UU ways!

[kreeden]

Oh Oh ... Can I join ? Can I ?

Cool names . Can I be known as Ogre Club of Gentleness ???

[michel]

I wonder what they have been smoking ?

[Jaymes]

Whatever it is, I want some. (Congrats on 2222 posts, btw, michel)

[michel]

Originally Posted by Jensa

Whatever it is, I want some. (Congrats on 2222 posts, btw, michel)

Thanks, I hadn't even noticed! And to think I missed out on a celebration!!!

[lilithu]

Originally Posted by kreeden

Oh Oh ... Can I join ? Can I ?

Cool names . Can I be known as Ogre Club of Gentleness ???

I have forwarded your request to the subcommittee on names and titles, which is under the committee on new membership. You should hear back from us within two months.

Sincerely,
Sister Kung-fu grip of Kindness.

[kiwimac]

What about ex-quakers? Can we join too?

I'd like to be "Brother Storm-Troop of Gentleness"


Kiwimac

[Dr. Khan]

Beware unitarians we will throw you out of our country which we bought and paid for, unless you got more money than us you ain't got a chance. We of the religious right have not stopped long enough to breathe before we find another battleground in which to lift our flag. If we had any sense we would have long remained in our prayer closet so as to really have heard from God but we're to busy making money for our wealthy so that we can have enough to eat. we need our big gas guzzling vehicles to get arround in without fear of an accident with another big gas guzzling vehicle. Now that baseball season is on we'll be pacisfied until Football comes so we can run from church and see what happens.

Don't forget we run the world so we can deal with you in a way that you will never lift your head to say anything. Remember eric Rudolph, who was sentenced to day to life in prison this is what happens to people who when they run out of answers they just lash out. We can turn him loose on you so you better be quite.