Is There A Place For Deceit In Love? (marriage, sex)

[Sunstone]

Is there a place for deceit in love? Do you feel a lover should make themselves appear better (or possibly worse) than they actually are? Does doing so make any sense if you want to be loved for yourself? Does it make sense if you are more concerned with getting laid than with being loved for yourself? How would you respond to being the one deceived by a lover? Would you brush it off? Would you consider it a mark of your lover's character?

[Djamila]

Depends on the deception.

"Mila, I lied. It's really only 8 inches" is fine.

"Mila, I lied. I'm really an Orthodox Christian prostitute" isn't.

[Buttercup]

Depends on what you mean by deceit and making themselves appear better. If someone told me they were an attorney to try and impress me when in actuality they were unemployed, that wouldn't be good. If they gave me the impression that they were happy go lucky and sometime later I found out they were more serious....it wouldn' t be the end of the world.

What in particular are your meaning by deceit?

[Sunstone]

Originally Posted by Rhonda

What in particular are your meaning by deceit?

That's a fair question, Rhonda, but I would rather you tell me what kind of deception you'd tolerate and what kind you wouldn't than that I narrow the debate and discussion on this subject by specifying some type of deceit to be debated.

On the other hand, what if someone pretended to be far nicer than they actually were? Would you object to that more or less strenuously than you would object to an unemployed person telling you they were a lawyer? Again, what if someone hid their religion from you or misrepresented it? Would you object to that? And if someone hid their politics from you or misrepresented them?

[Buttercup]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

That's a fair question, Rhonda, but I would rather you tell me what kind of deception you'd tolerate and what kind you wouldn't than that I narrow the debate and discussion on this subject by specifying some type of deceit to be debated.

I think this is a really good question, Phil.

Probably the only kind of deceit I would not tolerate from my husband is if he had sex with another woman and hid it from me. If he told me straight outright, I would be hurt and angry but would hope we could work it out somehow, some way. It would depend on if it was a one night stand or a long term affair. I obviously would have a harder time with a long standing relationship.

I'm sure my husband flirts and so do I. It's a normal part of life. I don't expect him to tell me about every woman he finds intriguing. If he took it to the next step and actually had physical sex with someone and was deceitful about it, that would be a big deal to me.

On the other hand, what if someone pretended to be far nicer than they actually were?

Truthfully, I have never run across this. It's pretty easy to figure out quickly if someone is as nice as they appear to be don't you think? I consider myself an excellent judge of character though so this usually isn't a problem.

Would you object to that more or less strenuously than you would object to an unemployed person telling you they were a lawyer?

It depends on what type of relationship me and this person were in. Still, I don't care for that blatant type of lying.

Again, what if someone hid their religion from you or misrepresented it? Would you object to that?

I wouldn't like it but if they gave reasons I found reasonable for misrepresenting their religion I might understand.

And if someone hid their politics from you or misrepresented them?

Same as above.

[Sunstone]

When someone deceives us in love, doesn't that in effect deny us the opportunity to love them as they are?

[Buttercup]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

When someone deceives us in love, doesn't that in effect deny us the opportunity to love them as they are?

It depends. My husband deceived me once about a problem he had that went on for the first several years of our marriage. For a time I lost respect for him, mostly for the deceit aspect of the situation. Now, a year later I would say things are pretty much back to normal.

So, to answer your question.....yes, deceit can affect the opportunity to love someone for who they are but, if the truth comes out and you fix the problem using much love, tolerance and patience, it can be fixed to the point where you love them for who they are again.

[cardero]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

Is there a place for deceit in love?

No because one of the aspects of Love is not only being honest to yourself but to others. If a significant other cheated on me with another person I wouldn't care so much but if they lied to me about it, that isn't Love. Love is Truth.