Is getting divorced selfish in many cases? (marriage)

[Victor]

By Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D.
Many bickering couples stay with each other just to keep the family intact. But are you helping or hurting your children? "Today" contributor Dr. Ruth Peters was invited to appear on the show to offer some insight. Here's her advice:

Is divorce ever a good option for the children?
Yes, it can be, but there are many sides to the issue. Some parenting specialists believe that children living in chaotic or unhappy marriages learn bad parenting techniques, and feel that these kids would benefit in the long run by their parents divorcing. However, one leading authority on the family (Judith Wallerstein, author of “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce”) disagrees. She theorizes that keeping the family intact is of such import that, even if unhappy or lonely, parents who are able to remain civil (not exposing the kids to fights, coldness or extreme disagreements) provide a better option than divorce. But folks who can commit to living together respectfully when actually desiring to be apart are rare, as this often means putting their own happiness and perceived fulfillment “on hold” until the kids are older or have left the home.

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/13924018/?GT1=8307

Is it?

[Ðanisty]

I don't know if it's really selfish or not and then I'm also not sure I have a problem with it even if it is selfish.

What I can say though is that staying together is not always best for the kids. My husband and his sisters would have been better off if their father had gotten a divorce much, much sooner.

[Radio Frequency X]

I think getting divorced is usually an act of selfishness. However, sometimes there is physical or emotional abuse, and there is nothing selfish about getting out of those relationships.

[ladyhawke]

IMHO..it depends how you handle the divorce and the aftermath..i have one son he is 15 now, but was 3 and half when i found out my husband was having an affair we tried to work it out but he was in love with some one else,that was it a was a single parent,i could'nt see myself living with some one who did'nt love me and wanted to be with someone else...so i'm now divorced age 34 and on my own with a 3 and half yr old..did i fall to pieces ,yes for a while then i realized this was my life and my sons I was ruining,so after several pow wow sessions an agreement was made as and when my ex would have our son..some 11yrs later he is still with his partner that he left me for and we all get on...in fact her and i work and play together regually and my ex is my best friend and our son is healthy happy cared for and balanced and thats no mean feat in todays world..divorce worked in our situation..

[Jaymes]

I'd rather someone get divorced than the children have to live with seeing their parents fighting all the time. People are only human; how could someone expect them to not get upset when they're miserable and living with someone they don't love?

[Comet]

Speaking from my personal dealings in this:

My dad and stepmom staying together for the sake of my 1/2 sister was more damaging to her than if they had gotten a divorce. The constant fighting and just seeing a loveless marriage made a few scars for her, to say the least.

My parents got divorced when I was very young. I am actually thankful for that because my stepdad is one of the greatest men I know.


I can see how it could be selfish to get divorced, but I think it works both ways.

[sahra-t]

I think divorce is the better option, if the problems can't be reconciled. The kids need to properly see how a relationship should function.

The parents being civil isn't important, IMO, because two people can be civil and friendly towards one another but if they're not in a loving relationship anymore it affects the children's schema of how relationships work.

[CaptainXeroid]

I voted "Yes in most cases". I guess one big reason the divorce rate has shot through the roof in this generation is that people have become much more selfish and care more about their own happiness than their children. For some people, it's easier to quit than do the right thing and make their marriage work.

Parents face challenges every day, but the most selfish thing they can do is allow divorce to even become a consideration. Once people get married, and especially once they have children, they should take their vows seriously and resolve to get along and stay married. I'm not saying it's easy, but then nothing worth achieving should be easy.

This October, my parents will celebrate 41 years of marriage. I know that a lot went on to which my brother, sister, & I were not privvy, but my parents did their best to get through the tough times, enjoy the good times, and raise us as best they could.

[Circle_One]

No, I don't think divorce is selfish at all. If two partners aren't happy, that is going to reflect openly, no matter how much you try to hide it from the children and it will be worse off for the kids involved, in the long run.

I know I would have much preferred it if my parents would have gotten divorced when I was little, rather than having to listen to the constant fighting and bickering between the two of them.