Most parents are addicted to their children (reincarnate, beliefs, choice)

[Truthtraveler]

Most people who have children do so for the exact reason that others delve in different, more conventionally-accepted addictions: they want release from their repressed pain of childhood. They want their children to rescue them, just as smokers and heroin addicts and alcoholics and overeaters and every other type of addict unconsciously want their drugs of choice to rescue them. The main difference with having children is that it’s so societally acceptable that people defend it healthiness to the hilt.

No surprise: if they delved into the deeper dynamics of why parents really had children they’d realize that their existences, at least in part, were the product of the addiction of those people who supposedly loved them most in the world: their own parents! It’s much more emotionally comfortable to idealize one’s own parents instead.

As for the destructive nature of this addiction, it is the children who suffer. It’s never healthy to be raised in an environment where parents project denied material onto you. In order to survive and get loved children have to mold themselves, at least in part, to their parents’ unconscious needs…and this is contrary to their own optimal emotional growth...which in turn lays the foundation for their own future addictions…

(Of course, having children is but one addiction that society accepts as quite normal. Any behavior that involves projection and fantasies of rescue can easily become addictive. Try these: romantic relationships, sex, masturbation, work.)

As such, I have compiled a list of eleven situations in which it is not appropriate for people to have children.

[Scuba Pete]

I am DEFINITELY addicted to my kids. I can't live without them.

But I am not abusive in that addiction. I do not live my life vicariously through them, but rather set the pace in good deeds as well as personal development. IOW, I do not force my loves or beliefs on them, but they are free to participate.

My son is Scuba Certified, it was his idea (actually my daughter's idea) and even though I am a Scuba Maniac, he is not forced to dive with me. My daughter, has just recently decided that she will continue to achieve her certification and has been actively gathering a bunch of friends to learn with her.

[Ori]

One thing parents tend to do is project their failings onto their children and then punish them for not following their lead.

[Melody]

1) You are not fully enlightened.
I thought the belief of those seeking enlightenment is that once you are enlightened, you won't be reincarnated again. Talk about null population.

2) You feel your life is incomplete.
What happens when it is the lack of children that make it incomplete?

3) You are lonely and want love.
I'll agree with this one.

4) You feel left out of the normal, conventional loop of parenting.
I'm not sure I understand this one

5) You are single.
Based on my own knowledge of the single parents I know (either always single or divorced and raising kids on their own), I'd tend to agree.


6) You are close with your own parents.
Huh? My husband and his 4 siblings are very close with their parents...and all are exceptional parents to their own children.

7) You know you will have to hire help to assist you in caring for your child.
At first glance, I'd probably agree with this one. I've never understood people who have children and then leave the child under someone else's care for 10-12 hours each day.

8) You got pregnant by mistake.
And yet the mother (or father) may still be capable of loving that child as the pregnancy goes on.

9) You drink alcohol, use drugs, smoke cigarettes, or take anti-depressants.
Please. I take anti-depressants because of clinical depression and it has nothing to do with "abandoning" parts of my self.

10) Your relationship with your partner is not fully enlightened.
Children do not need to grow up in a sanitary environment...or do you mean the partners obviously love and respect each other vs tearing each other apart with fighting and sniping.

11) You and your partner are both not ONE HUNDRED PERCENT convinced you want a child to the deepest levels of your soul.

I know few people who were 100% convinced they wanted a child. When I had mine, I wasn't 100% sure. There are days when I'm still not sure.

[MatCauthorn]

While I agree with the sentiment that people should think carefully before deciding to have children, I think that some of your eleven reasons are pretty condescending:

5) You are single.
7) You know you will have to hire help to assist you in caring for your child.

To say that single parents, or parents that use daycare of any sort are somehow unfit is not only unfair, but also excludes a huge percentage of the parenting population. Do you truly expect every parent to be able to completely sacrifice his/her life to their child? I think that that would be a sign of someone who might not be fit to be a parent because they could be seen as obsessing over the child and completely sacrificing their own needs for the child's, which could result in an unhealthy situation.

For example, my Mom stayed home with me until I entered kindergarten and I think it was a good experience for me to go to a babysitter after school. It allowed me to meet other kids, to learn responsibility, and to learn more about other people than just my family. How is that negative? I'm glad she didn't hire a full-time nanny or send me away to boarding school nine months of the year, but I don't see how needing occasional "help" is bad.

9) You drink alcohol, use drugs, smoke cigarettes, or take anti-depressants.

It's also pretty discriminatory to say that someone who smokes, drinks, or takes anti-depressants is somehow unfit to parent. Does this include every father who smokes a cigar at a special celebration? Or every mother who likes to drink a glass of wine at a restaurant? Certainly mothers should not do these things *while* they're pregnant, but to say that anyone who uses any substance in any quantity is not a whole person is misguided.

6) You are close with your own parents.

Wow. So you're saying that, in order to be a good parent, you can't love your own parents? That doesn't seem right. If that's not what you mean, then you should strongly consider changing the wording of this one. "To be close with" can mean anything from a genuinely unhealthy attachment to one's parents, to a mature, well-adjusted loving relationship.

-- Mat

[EnhancedSpirit]

Children

From the 'Prophet' by Kahlil Gibran

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

Children Learn What They Live

by Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism. He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility. He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule. He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame. He learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance. He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement. He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise. He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness. He learns justice.

If a child lives with security. He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval. He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship.
He learns to find love in the world.

[Mister Emu]

Well, I am pretty sure anything I would have said has already been covered by Melody, or Mat.

Good job, gal and guy.

[EnhancedSpirit]

Why do you need a liscense to drive a car, or even to catch a fish, but there is no liscense requirement or test to take to see if you qualify for parenthood?

[Scuba Pete]

Originally Posted by Enhanced Spirit

Why do you need a liscense to drive a car, or even to catch a fish, but there is no liscense requirement or test to take to see if you qualify for parenthood?

Uh... because NO ONE would pass.

I have long contended that the only "perfect parents" are childless. Once you have children you quickly realise that you are NOT up to the task. Those parents that appear to be competent are merely masters at hiding their inadequacies.

One dear friend used to say that the first born should be disposable, since we make the most mistakes wuth them. After her second child, she realised that that the first two kids should be disposable, since they seemed to make as many mistakes. This went on for each and every kid.

[Scuba Pete]

Hey Enhanced Spirit...

So If a child lives with a cat, what do they learn? Indifference and aloofness? Bwahahaha!