Marital infidelity: Is it your business?

[Wirey]

I just found out that a coworker, let's call him R, is sleeping with a girl in payroll. Mrs. R is my wife's golf partner. They are coming to my house for dinner at some point this fall.

If I tell Mrs. Wirey, I know she'll egt all Holy Roller and tell Mrs. R what's happening. I also know that R will know it was me. He can't affect my job (I could fire his scraggly butt any time I want), but still, we work in the same office. Plus, I'm not sure it's my business. I don't know what their marriage is like. Should I tell my wife, or shut the Hell up?

PS I know because the payroll girl confided in me. We have a real big brother-little sister thing going on.

[Shuddhasattva]

Neither.

Step 1. When dinner date crystallizes, invite Payroll Girl to this same dinner. Inform wife that another guest, a coworker and mutual acquaintance of R, is coming. Hedge by offering to chop vegetables on the night of the dinner and do whatever sundry housework needs to be done. Bear with this, it'll be worth it. To defray suspicion, you could also invite one other guest who might get off on the (possibly) ensuing lulz.
Step 2. Set up hidden camera.
Step 3. ???
etc.

In all seriousness though, I don't see how it's your business - it was kinda sorta made your business by lil' sis. But it isn't your wife's business. It might be HIS wife's business - and I think you could make a strong case for telling her directly. If she's reasonable about it, you can ask her to hire a PI to take pictures or whatever, and she can make like she was suspicious and hired someone to confirm, instead of straight hearing about it.

[fallingblood]

I personally think it is best to let his wife know. If she doesn't find out now, she will most likely find out later. And the longer it goes, the harder on her it will be.

[Caladan]

I wouldn't bother myself with an affair which is obviously not my business. He's not a friend of yours from what I gather by reading your OP, so there's no reason to discipline him personally for being a clown. Let them sort it out for themselves.

[Shuddhasattva]

She can't sort out what she doesn't know about. Abetting infidelity is... meh.

[Caladan]

Originally Posted by Shuddhasattva

She can't sort out what she doesn't know about. Abetting infidelity is... meh.

I think men tend to underestimate the female radar.

[Caladan]

Originally Posted by Shuddhasattva

Abetting infidelity is... meh.

Good intentions are worse.

[Shuddhasattva]

Death to all good intentions.

[4consideration]

Originally Posted by Wirey

I just found out that a coworker, let's call him R, is sleeping with a girl in payroll. Mrs. R is my wife's golf partner. They are coming to my house for dinner at some point this fall.

If I tell Mrs. Wirey, I know she'll egt all Holy Roller and tell Mrs. R what's happening. I also know that R will know it was me. He can't affect my job (I could fire his scraggly butt any time I want), but still, we work in the same office. Plus, I'm not sure it's my business. I don't know what their marriage is like. Should I tell my wife, or shut the Hell up?

PS I know because the payroll girl confided in me. We have a real big brother-little sister thing going on.

No, you should not tell your wife. That would simply be gossip. That man has no duty to your wife. His duty is to HIS wife. You would be putting your wife in a terrible position.

If you think you should talk to anyone, IMO it would be the man involved -- and only him.

edit: I just realized that I am making an assumption that may not apply. I am assuming that you and your wife will not hold it against each other for one to keep a confidence about something that does not directly affect your family. (Prior to my marriage my husband and I had a conversation about where to draw the line in the duty to divulge information.)

I had a friend who started to tell me about someone else's "secret" and when she said, "She asked me not tell anyone." I said, "Then please don't tell me." She said that she really hadn't told anyone -- except her husband, of course -- because she didn't keep anything from him. I thought a lot about that and came to the conclusion that when I got married I wished to retain my right to fully keep a confidence -- provided that confidence does not require any deception on my part, or withholding of information on any matters that directly affects our family -- and is not withholding anything that he has a right to be informed about. My husband and I both agreed to operate within that framework. We recognize a right for each other to keep our word about confidentiality as long as it isn't hiding something that directly affects us. I, personally, do not think that other people's sex lives are something I have a right to involve myself in.

Your co-worker has put you in an uncomfortable situation by telling you. It is up to you whether or not you want to shift the burden to your wife. Even if you don't want to do that to her, telling her will put her in a really uncomfortable situation with her friend.

[waitasec]

i think people who cheat are responsible for putting other people who are not involved in an awkward position.