Know thy enemy =) (experience, verse, preferences, quiz)

mostly harmless · #1 01-23-2007, 02:04 PM

How to Respond to a Centipede Infestation

1) Know the Enemy
Observe your foe as it scuttles toward you out of a darkened corner, wriggles forth from under the bathmat, or propels itself along the ceiling. This is a good time to note some facts about the centipede: a) it can run faster than anything that small should; b) it clearly knows your weaknesses, preferring to attack when you are barefoot and/or sleepy; c) it demonstrates its greedy and perverse nature by possessing far more, longer, and spindlier legs than is proper or necessary; and d) it exerts strange powers over cats, as in the case of Mr. M, an experienced hunter of New York City roaches, who, upon being introduced into the centipede-ridden environment, proceeded to sit stone still and look quizzically at his new roommates when exhorted to ""Get the bug! Get it before it - oh, now it's under the heater..." etc.
The above studies can easily be conducted while standing on a chair or other raised surface, shrieking incoherently and gesticulating wildly, or while running down the hallway flapping one's arms and shouting, "Help! Help! Centipede! Centipede sighted in the bathroom! Request backup!"
Research your foe on the Internet. Cause great amusement to anyone else on the premises by cringing and moaning in terror every time a picture of one of the little fiends appears on your screen. Read sentences like: ""House centipedes feed on small insects, insect larvae, and on spiders. Thus they are beneficial..." Mutter "'BeneFICIAL??' Bah! 'Beneficial' indeed, you freak. I'd like to see how 'beneficial' you find them once they start waging a campaign of psychological terror on YOU, Mister" under your breath.
Take copious notes on dining preferences, habitat, and methods of disposal. Mutter things like "Thirty legs? THIRTY?? Gack," and "'Likes dampness and dark spaces, hunts by night.' I might have known you were creatures of darkness, you little ********" under your breath.
2) Prevention
Buy Boric acid, the economy-size container. Buy products for killing every other insect known to man, because ?these are predators and must have an abundant supply of food for them to multiply to any extent.? Put ant bait traps everywhere you can think of. Realize that cat reacts to ant bait traps the same way he does to his fur mousie. Pick up ant bait traps and secrete them in places where cat cannot reach.
Don protective dust mask. Sprinkle Boric acid in cracks and deep dark corners, muttering "Eat THAT, you thirty-legged crimes against nature" under your breath. Spend the next four days obsessively watching cat for weird twitches, dilated pupils, changes in nose temperature, or other signs that you may have inadvertently poisoned him, despite knowing perfectly well that there is not a single mote of feline-or-human accessible Boric acid dust anywhere in the house. Realize that you have one weird, twitchy cat, but that he probably wouldn't go rooting around in the space between the bathtub and the sink cabinet even if he could, as he much prefers eating, sleeping, stalking your feet, and playing "Look at the Girl Funny When She Screams 'Get the Bug, Get It!'"
Search the house for cracks and crevices. Gaze at the ceiling, which is composed of rectangular ceiling tiles and rife with small gaps, until you hear yourself muttering "a world of centipedes just over our heads" under your breath.
Go for a long walk. On the way, block out all knowledge of the composition of the ceiling. Decide that you will work on the cracks and crevices thing when you are psychologically ready.
Use avoidance tactics. Refuse to enter a room after the sun sets without first saying aloud, "Okay, I'm going into the [bathroom, kitchen, etc] now! Look out, here I come!" Then switch on the light, leap backwards, and scan the ceilings, walls and floor for signs of occupation before entering. Develop a habit of poking and shaking clothing or towels before use. If a sighting is made, wait for the beast to find a crevice to slink into before proceeding with your activities, or call for help if it refuses to disappear. Persist in this behavior in the face of gentle derision and even out-and-out mockery from cats or shackups.
3) Hand-to-Hand Combat
Practice on the babies first. They're slower and far less terrifying. Talk smack to them, loudly, while you squish them with your shoe or a paper towel (direct contact should be avoided, as centipedes are known to carry at least 3 deadly strains of cooties). Gloat about how "that's another one that won't be breeding!! Bwahahahaha!" This will generate the false sense of bravado necessary when undertaking any large-scale offensive.
Once you have worked your way up to smashing and trash-talking the adolescent centipede, it is time to take on your first adult. For an easy first kill, find a centipede that has misstepped and fallen off the ceiling into the bathtub. It will probably lie there for a few moments, stunned, thus giving you the opportunity to leap into the living room screaming "My shoe! My shoe! Give me my shoe!" to your startled partner in crime, and hotstep back into the bathroom, weapon in hand.
At this moment, as you face your weakened enemy, it is essential not to hesitate. You must aim carefully, but do not allow yourself enough time to lose your nerve. Do not consider the potential ookiness of the post-squish centipede. Do not ponder what might happen if the kill is not clean. Focus solely on your task, take aim, and squish with all your might. Squish again even if the enemy seems to be dead already; squish once more, even if the fearsome creature seems to have been separated into its component parts. Only after the third squish is it recommended that you stop and survey the situation.
At this point, twitching is to be expected; it will die down shortly if you have succeeded. Do not let it alarm you. Carefully examine your weapon for remnants. Observe that centipedes bleed purple. Assure your foe that "Your family will pay for this, filthy creature!" This will strike fear into the hearts of any nearby centipedes, and will hopefully make them think twice about revenge.
Clean up the remains. Use several layers of toilet paper to avoid any contact with the above-mentioned cooties. DO NOT flush the offender. True, there are no known cases of a dismembered centipede encountering raw sewage, reanimating, mutating into a toxic superbug, and climbing back up into the toilet bowl to lie in wait for the one who brought it down, but there's no need to take foolish risks. Better to dispose of the corpse in the trash, which can be taken off the premises altogether.
These simple steps should help you to combat the infernal centipede in the home. I wish you the best of luck with your own pest-related struggles.