Story for School (blood, choices, choice, point of view, science)

[Druidus]

What do you guys think about this story:

Chapter One

John 3.17-B stepped out of the ship, peeling off his oxygen-mask. “3.17-B”, in his name, was an identifier. He had it tattooed on both of his forearms. The “17” was his age, the three meant he was the third oldest John in the city, and the B identified the city he lived in. He was not allowed to move. He had spent his entire life in the city termed “B” and he would spend the rest of his life there as well.

He had been taken from his parents at the age of six, to be raised with the rest of the children, in the children’s crèche. At the age of eight, his toys were taken, and he was initiated into fourteen hour school days. At the age of thirteen, he finished his schooling; it had taken him one year longer than his peers to finish the advanced calculus, and chemistry. Initially, he was to be sent to one of the Mars colonies, in order to help with the terraforming. However, the Nephilim decided differently then the human “leaders”, or rather, “puppets”.

They detected the genetic signs for rebellion within John, and so, they had apprenticed him to one of the lower Nephilim, to become another puppet for them to manipulate. They kept their friends (the passive humans) close, and their enemies (the rebellious humans) closer.

He had been with this Nephilim, Mehrunes Dagon, since his graduation and tattooing. Mehrunes was easy to get along with, as long as you did everything he said, unfailingly. The one time he had committed a rebellious act, staring into Mehrunes eyes, he had had his food taken away for a week, and was locked in a cell for that time. He wouldn’t have survived, had he not fashioned crude traps out of wood and caught rats.

Checking the motion detector, and seeing that it was all clear, he motioned for Mehrunes to come out. Unfortunately, all was not clear. A man with a plasma rifle lay undetected, on top of a bluff, just outside of the motion detectors range. Surrounding the sniper was a group of men with plasma pistols. Plasma weapons, in the hands of an expert, could be a very deadly weapon. It shot a burst of plasma that could incinerate even the toughest metals. However, they were very rare, and used enormous amounts of energy, so only the most powerful Nephilim managed to obtain them. However, this group of humans seemed to be an exception.

John heard a loud "pop" and suddenly there was a hole in the door of the ship. Mehrunes was on the ground frantically ripping off his atrium armour before the backwash of the plasma burned through to his skin. John scrambled to his Master's aid releasing the straps just in time.

"Stand up!" Yelled one of the men. As John and Mehrunes got out, the group of men started moving towards them. John froze. This had not been covered in his training. He didn't know if he should be standing in front of Mehrunes, or behind, or to the side. He didn't know if he was to attack the men and help Mehrunes escape, or wait for Mehrunes cue. He fought a silent battle of choices, and decided to wait; he didn't think he could do much in the way of stopping the enemies anyway.

Finally the men reached John and Mehrunes. "Mehrunes, you *******! Is this another of your lackeys?" Questioned the obvious leader. "He is my personal servant, if that is what you mean." Mehrunes calmly answered, although John could see a quiver in his jaw.

"If you have any ideas about escaping, either of you, don't hesitate to try." Said the leader, "There's nothing I want more then to see you both dead. All it would mean to me is that I would have to find a new Nephilim to rob."

He turned to his men and spoke, "Search the ship and find all the plasma fuel rods you can, and any weapons as well. Take whats left of the scum's atrium armour."

Mehrunes eyes burned with malice at the word "scum", "Sacrilage! You will die, you and your pitiful band of "rogues". Whatever you may do to me, I will be reborn! All for the Higher!"

With this, he rolled backwards and launched to his feet, spitting out some of the acid that the Nephilim produced in their mouths as a projectile. The acid hit the leader of the rogues in the squarely in the chest. While he would not die, there would be severe pain and scarring. The sniper shot, and nearly hit the Nephilim, but was too late, as Mehrunes had leapt forward, and grabbed the plasma pistol from the hand of the leader. He readied his aim at the leader, and shouted, "All for the Hi-" But the sentenced was never finished, as one of the rebels returning from the ship slammed him over the head with the butt of a plasma pistol. After hitting the ground, he managed to weakly say, "I fear not death!", before he was shot.

The leader struggled to his feet and nearly fainted. Another man, a tall one, rushed over and supported him. John was terrified, his past four years spent in servitude were over, and the man he called "master" was dead.

The leader motioned another man to come over. Struggling for words, he whispered something in the man's ear. The man strode over to John and roughly grabbed his arm. He walked back over to the leader, and John heard his full name spoken. The tall man opened up a small data screen on his forearm, and said something into it.

A few very tense minutes later, John heard a muffled conversation. "Could be...", "...One of us...", ".. . Too risky..."

Finally, the tall man turned to John and spoke, "You are free to go. Ride the ship low, until you reach the city. Never speak of us, and when asked about Mehrunes death, explain that he died when this plasma pistol went off by the door." The tall man threw a plasma pistol at the ground near John. John bent to pick it up, and when he looked up, the men were already a ways off.

John walked over to the body of Mehrunes and looked at the man who had been his master. He was still in shock, and was a little bit queezy, so he walked over to the ship, sat down and just thought. It was the first time in four years that he had really had a chance to think, and despite the circumstances, he was enjoying it.

Finally the full weight of the situation hit him. He walked back to the man who had been his master. The man who had tortured him, starved him, beat him, and laughed at his pleas for mery. The man who had taken great delight in seeing him struggle, just to catch a rat so that he could survive. The man who had forced him to sleep on the ground outside, or at most, the floor. And as he stared, he was filled with a burning hatred. A hatred for the Nephilim, and for all Nephilim-kind.

He kicked the corpse. He jumped up and stomped as hard as he could on the chest of Mehrunes, splitting open the ribs, the still warm blood spilling onto his boots. He fell to his knees, and started pummeling the face of Mehrunes. Using all of the fury of his hatred, a hatred he never knew existed, he turned Mehrunes face into a thick paste. He finally stopped as he hit an acid gland, and winced with pain.

He kicked the corpse one last time, and went over to the ship. He stepped into the ship, and looked for the storage bay. Once reaching the storage bay, he took one of the small barrels of fuel and went back to Mehrunes. He poured the entire barrel over Mehrunes, making sure that he got some in the chest and face cavities that he had opened up. He picked up the plasma rifle, stepped back, far back, and with shaky hands, shot the body, aiming for the chest. There was an overpowering explosion, and John was knocked backwards almost six metres. Mehrunes' corpse, however, simply ceased to exist.

I have to incorporate murder, from the murderers point of view, I have to do some of the story from a metally disabled person's point of view, and I have to put in aspects of greed as well. I will be getting to those soon enough, but tell me what you think so far. Also, first person to find all three references (one of them really small, you might only get if you read a certain book) to three different video games gets my kudos!

[robtex]

Druidas it is really neat...I like the dicotomy of the reality of him feeling that he was safe and unsafe in the same breath. His safety (if i am getting what you wrote) being the security of having someone making sure his bare need were met and his unsafety from the torture. Not unlike a child who lives in a bad relationship with his parents and all of a sudden has the opportunity to move out...the safety net of the father figure for him is gone but so is the pain that came with it.

Your ability to develop a character is really strong and you may have a skill that is worth pursuing outside of the academic areana

sorry don't know the references......

[Ardhanariswar]

in the beginning it sounded very S&M ish. lol. yes, i have a sick mind.

it sounds like a spartan thing. like the greek (or is it roman) where armies took children to train until they were adults to become a regular citizen, so that eventuall all citizens were ready for combat.

but really good druidus! very good.

[Druidus]

It's Greek. You're close to one of the references with the Spartan thing!

[Ceridwen018]

Druidus, that's awesome! I love science fiction! I can't wait for the next installment!

[Druidus]

Thanks! I find I really like to write, but I always lose my motivation or start to dislike the plot. I have dozens of started novels (most are science fiction, or alternative histories), but I will probably never finish most of them. I hope to finish a novel, and hopefully get it published, before my ninteenth birthday. I'll have chapter two done tomorrow. You guys are great for motivation! Makes it feel like a responsibility to have fans!

[Ardhanariswar]

YOURE NINE YEARS OLD?

holy cow you write well. and type well. holy cow.

[Sunstone]

Holy Cow! I thought you were 16, Druidus. Even for 16 you write well. But nine???

[Druidus]

Whoops! No no no!!! I meant nineteenth! lol! I'm fifteen. Oops.

I meant before my nineteenth birthday.

[Sunstone]

Too late, Druidus! I've already undertaken to sign a "child prodgidy" contract on your behalf with Random House.