Fata jokes (tradition, America, blessing, sex, muslim)

[Djamila]

Fata is a Bosnian Muslim character in jokes throughout the Balkans. She is Muhamed's wife, a fiesty and poor rural woman, and here are a few of her jokes.

Fata goes to visit her son in Sarajevo, who lives with his girlfriend. While waiting for dinner, she can't help but peek around the apartment. She notices one of the bedrooms is almost empty, while both of their belongings are in a single bedroom.

Over dinner she can't help but ask: "Are you two having sex before marraige!?" The girlfriend chokes on her dinner, the son blushes, both insist of course not.

A week comes and goes and Fata is long gone, back to her home in the villages. The girlfriend goes to her son and says, "You know, darling, I've been missing my favorite vase since your mother was here, you don't think she took it?"

The son decides to call his mother and check:

"Mama, I'm not saying you did take it, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the truth is that our favorite vase has been missing since you were here to dinner?"

Fata replies, "My darling, I'm not saying you are ****ing that *****, and I'm not saying you're not - but if she was sleeping in her own ****ing bed she'd have found the ****ing vase by now."

[Djamila]

An American tourist visits the village of Hadzici, where Fata lives, and is invited to play a game of chess outside a large family home. Suddenly, the ambulance arrives to the home and pulls out the body of Fata on a stretcher. One of the men playing chess stands and does an Islamic blessing before sitting back to the game. Seeing how indifferent the other Bosnian men were to this woman's death, the American decides to show his approval to the one who stood up. "That was a very respectful thing you did," he said.

The man looks back to the American blushing and says, "Oh it's the least I can do. I was married to the ***** for 67 years."

[Djamila]

Muhamed and Fata are sitting at a cafe when suddenly a beautiful young woman walks to their table, sits on Muhammed's lap, and kisses him passionately. She gets up to leave and Fata's jaw is still open, she's speechless.

"Who was that woman!?" she yells to Muhammed.

Muhammed looks at Fata confused and says, "Why, it's my mistress of course? Every man has a few, Fata, my darling. Look at that table over there, it is Samir and his mistress!"

Fata glances over at the couple at the next table. Then, she turns back to Muhammed with pride in her eyes and says, "Oh, I see. Ours is much prettier."

[Djamila]

Fata goes to Sarajevo to buy some groceries and while she's waiting at the bus station she runs into an old friend from her school days in the village. They hug and kiss and Fata looks her over, "You look good! So how many children have you got?"

Her friend looks back and says, "Oh, darling! I'm not even married!"

Fata, confused, asks, "What are you waiting for?"

"The bus?"

[Djamila]

Fata discovers a lump in her breast and decides after months of worry to go the doctor. Although she's very traditional and shy, she agrees to allow a breast examination and when its over, the doctor takes Fata out to meet with Muhammed so he can tell them how it went.

"Well, everything is fine," the doctor begins, "And let me tell you, Muhammed. You have the most virtuous wife ever. I have never in my career had a more difficult time trying to see a woman's breasts."

Fata beams with pride until Muhammed replies, "I have the same problem, my friend."

[Djamila]

Fata wants to borrow Muhammed's car to drive into the city to buy some vodka, but isn't sure how to ask him so he won't be suspicious.

She first thinks: Okay, I'll say I need to get the burn mark in the back seat fixed.

The she thinks: I'll say I need to get the car washed.

And she goes on dreaming up all sorts of situations of things wrong with the car that would allow her to sneak away in it to Sarajevo. By the time she reaches Muhammed's workplace, she walks up to him and says: HEY MUHAMMED! **** you and **** your car!"

[Djamila]

Fata and a Slovene sit in a train and decide to eat the two apples they brought along. One apple is bigger than the other. Fata takes the bigger apple.

The Slovene goes: “Shame on you, don’t you have any manners?”

Fata is puzzled: “What do you mean, which one would you take if you were first?”

“The smaller one, of course,” says the Slovene.

Fata replies: “But I gave you the smaller one, didn’t I?”

[Djamila]

A Montenegrin married Fata. The first night they go to bed and the Montengrin goes: “If a Montenegrin was here, she would now take off my clothes.”

Fata, a little upset, takes off his clothes.

The Montenegrin, again: “If a Montenegrin was here, she would now help me get it on.”

Fata, annoyed, helps him again. The Montenegrin, finally: “If a Montenegrin was here, she would now get on top.”

Fata, completely exasperated, gets up and goes to the door. The Montenegrin, surprised: “Where are you going?”

Fata: “What do you mean, where I am going? If Mujo was here, he would *** both me and you and would go outside looking for more!!!”

[Djamila]

A Frenchman, a German and Mujo are talking about their wives. The Frenchman: “My wife is like an antelope, she walks without touching the ground. She practically flows around me.” The German: “My wife is like a butterfly: one second she is over here, the next she is over there. She practically flies around me.” Mujo, after several of moments of thought: “Now that I think about it, my Fata isn’t human either [ni ona moja Fata nije insan]”.