A Guide for AMERICAN tourists (Christians, verse, Christ, muslim)

[Djamila]

Visiting Bosnia: A Guide for AMERICAN Tourists

The following advice for American travelers visiting Bosnia was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and some very expensive spy satellites that the Bosnians don't know about yet.

It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

Bosnia-Herzegovina is a small-sized foreign country, situated in Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Croatia and Serbia and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with no decent shops. Bosnia is a very old country with many ancient treasures, such as the White Tower and Burger King.

Among its contributions to western civilization are coffee, the necktie, several types of sausages and the Yugo. Although Bosnia likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used, and it is next to impossible for Americans to get a ham sandwich. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the locals
insist on speaking in Bosnian, though many will speak English if shouted at.

People
Bosnia has a population of 4 million people. 3.9 million of these drink and smoke (the others are small children). All Bosnian people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of political correctness. If there is a derogatory or offensive term to describe anything, this is the common term used to describe this person or object in Bosnian.

The Bosnian people are, in general, gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most Bosnian citizens are Muslim, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many are dirty communists. Men sometimes have girls' names, like Sasja or Andreja, and they kiss each other when they meet. As do women, which is less intimidating.

American travelers are advised to travel in groups, wearing baseball caps and colourful short-sleeved dress shirts, for easier recognition.

Government
The Bosnian form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a riot by Christians. The Bosnians love administration, so for governmental purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafés, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections.

Parliament consists of two chambers whose Members are either Islamists, Christian Fundamentalists or Communists - neither of which should be trusted by the traveler.

Parliament's principle occupation is spending American money and acting indignant and surprised when asked for receipts. According to the most current American State Department intelligence, the President is now someone named Sulejman. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture
The Bosnians pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same, and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes - even though they've won two Oscars.

Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a sausage is just a chuck of meat. Burek on the other hand, is excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this. Bosnian restaurants are generally safe and clean, however American tourists are reminded there is no word for "vegetarian" in the Bosnian language and those who refuse to eat meat will eventually starve to death. Because most Bosnians are Muslim, pork is rarely available - as are breath mints.

Economy
Bosnia has a large and diversified economy, which is surprising, because the Bosnians hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.

Bosnia's principle exports, in order of importance to the economy, are Romanian prostitutes, Arab terrorists, paranoid Jews, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, brandy, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Conclusion
Bosnia enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a warm climate. In short, it would be a very nice country, if Bosnian people did not inhabit it.