Homeland Security (pray)

[Bishka]

These came from this page:
http://www.turoks.net/Cabana/HomelandSecurity.htm

The US government has a new website, www.ready.gov. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII. The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything. Here are a few interpretations.



If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.



If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.




If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your should

[Bishka]

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.



Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!



The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.



Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the heck away.

[Bishka]

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.



Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.



If a door is closed, karate chop it open.



Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

[Bishka]

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.



If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.



-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like heck.



If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

[Bishka]

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.



If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.



Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.



A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

[Bishka]

We should nuke Waco.



Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

[Booko]

Well, I just love this part:



IF THERE IS A NUCLEAR BLAST

If there is no warning:

1. Quickly assess the situation.
2. Consider if you can get out of the area or if it would be better to go inside a building to limit the amount of radioactive material you are exposed to.
3. If you take shelter go as far below ground as possible, close windows and doors, turn off air conditioners, heaters or other ventilation systems. Stay where you are, watch TV, listen to the radio, or check the Internet for official news as it becomes available.

Uh huh. If there's a nuclear blast anywhere where I need to take cover, I'd expect my TV, radio and Internet to be working.

[Booko]

Oh yes, this bit is rather nice as well:

If there is a significant radiation threat, health care authorities may or may not advise you to take potassium iodide. Potassium iodide is the same stuff added to your table salt to make it iodized. It may or may not protect your thyroid gland, which is particularly vulnerable, from radioactive iodine exposure. Plan to speak with your health care provider in advance about what makes sense for your family.


Yeah, I can just imagine what my "healthcare provider" would tell me about this. He'd probably go "DUH?" as I'm sure they aren't up to speed on any of this. Oh, that's assuming I have a healthcare provider to speak to, which lots of people don't.