Jokes (pray, confess, sex, God, halloween)

[jeffrey]

Originally Posted by Mike182

funny, when i read this, jeff's avatar came straight into my head

Notice she was thinking about that genie and not me! I feel slighted! UGH!

[Buttercup]

Two babies were laying on a bed.
one baby asked the other
"What are you?"
the first baby said " I am a baby Girl! What are you?"
The second baby said "I am a baby boy"
first baby: " are not!"
Second baby : " are too"
first baby " You are NOT. Prove it"
So the second baby lifts up the blankets and says "see........


Blue booties!!!!!!!!!"

[Buttercup]

Some fun things to do at WallMart...

1. go to a fitting room, wait a few minutes and then yell, "Hey! There is no toilet paper in here!"

2. Randomly pick up condoms, preparation H and the like and toss it in other people's shopping carts.

3. Go to sporting good section and ask to see a hunting gun. After thanking them for assistance, ask where the anti-depressents are.

4. Move all the wet floor signs to carpeted areas.

5. Get out some camping gear and go through the motions of buildig a camp fire.

Anyone have more to add????

[Buttercup]

Who knows if these are really true quotes from kids....but, they are funny either way. My favorite is the very last one.

Subject: Out of the mouth of babes

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) h ugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked qu ite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" IP: Logged |

[Circle_One]

So one morning this wife went to her husband and said "Honey, the front porch needs fixing.."
To which the husband replied "What do I look like? A carpenter?" So the wife called a professional.

The next day she went to him again, "Honey, there's something wrong with the sink!"
To which he replied, "What do I look like? A plummer?" The wife groaned and called a professional.

The following day, she again, went to him, "Honey, the fridge is making an odd noise..."
To which he replied, "What do I look like? A refridgerator repairman?" Sighing, she called a professional.

The next day, she went to him and said "Honey, the repairman stopped by today while you were at work. He said for all the work he'd done for us, I could either bake him a cake, or have sex with him, as payment."

So, naturally, the husband asked, "Oh yeah? What kind of cake did you bake him?"

"What do I look like? F*n Betty Crocker?"

[Buttercup]

Haaaaaaaa! Baaaaadum dum! shoulda seen that one coming C-1 !!

[Buttercup]

Words with two Meanings
>
>1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
>Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
>Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
>2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
>Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
>Male.... Playing football without a cup.
>
>3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
>Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
>Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.
>
>4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
>Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
>Male...... Trying not to flirt with other women while out with this
one.
>
>5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
>Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
>Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
>
>6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
>Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
>Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male
bonding.
>
>7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
>Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
>Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.
>

[Engyo]

A minister was trying to get his congregation to understand the difference between Heaven and Hell.

"Heaven" he said, "is a place where
the mechanics are German,
the policemen are British,
the French do the cooking,
Swiss run the trains
and all the lovers are Italian."

"On the other hand" he continued,

"Hell is a place where
the police are German,
British do the cooking,
the mechanics are all French,
Italians run the trains,
and the Swiss are the lovers!"

[Engyo]

Little David was in his fifth grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sexual relations with him for money."

The teacher, shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and then took Little David aside.

"Is that really true about your father?" she asked.

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."