More Jokes (funeral, hell, agnostic, pray, faith)

[Original Freak]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

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FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't care.
Amen.

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Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[Shadow Wolf]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one
of
the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy. "He eats everything
in
sight, the little *******. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate,
then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his
butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he
measures everything first..."

[ch'ang]

One time three explores were hiking through the Amazon and were suddenly captured by a group of cannibals. The chief came up to them and said "You can either die as cowards or as honorable men either way we will use your skin for our canoes you may choose your weapon." The first man being a solider asked for a gun and shot himself the second man asked for a sword and committed seppuku. The last man asked for a fork, the chief was confused but it was his dying request and so they gave him a fork. The last man then proceeded to stab himself with fork in the chest screaming I hope your canoe sinks


An auditor is a person who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded

An econimist is an expert who will know tommarow why the things he perdicted yesterday didn't happen today

A statistician is a person who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be a an accounant

A diplomat is a person that can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a balck cat that isn't there

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, anagnostic and a dyslexic?
A person who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

[jamaesi]

XD Those are all great!

[michel]

I like them all..............