Deity Purchase Questionnaire.... (Jesus, moral, Earth, Torah, dinosaur)

[Feathers in Hair]

Just found this here, and it gave me a giggle! I had to shorten it, so if you enjoy it, you might want to read the full version! I also pre- apologize for the formatting.

1.

How did you find out about your deity? ____
newspaper ____
Bible ____
Torah ____
Koran ____
television ____
Book of Mormon ____
divine inspiration ____
Dead Sea Scrolls ____
My Momma Done 'Tol Me ____
near death experience ____
near life experience ____
National Public Radio ____
tabloid at the supermarket ____
burning shrubbery
Other (specify) : ________________________

2.

Which deity did you acquire? ____
Jehovah ____
Jesus ____
Krishna ____
Buddha ____
Trinity Pak (Father, Son & Holy Ghost) ____
Olympus Pak (Zeus & entourage) ____
Valhalla Pak (Odin et al.) ____
Allah ____
Satan ____
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature ____
God v.2.0 ____
God v. 4.6 ____
None of the above, I was taken in by
a false god
Other (specify) : __________________

3.

Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

____ Yes ____ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here. Please check all that apply. ____
Not eternal ____
Finite in space/does not occupy or inhabit entire cosmos ____
Not omniscient____
Not omnipotent ____
Not infinitely plastic (capable of being all things
to all creations) ____
Permits sex outside of marriage

____
Prohibits sex outside of marriage ____
Makes mistakes____
Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people ____ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people ____
When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched ____
Requires burnt offerings ____
Requires virgin sacrifices

4.What factors were relevant in your decision to
acquire a deity? Check all that apply.
____ Indoctrinated by parents
____ Indoctrinated by society
____ Needed a reason to live ____
Needed focus in who to love ____
Needed focus in who to despise ____
____ My imaginary friend grew up

____ Hate to think for myself____
Wanted to meet boys/girls in church ____
Fear of death ____
Wanted to please my parents ____
Wanted to **** off my parents ____
Needed a day away from school or work ____
Desperate need for certainty ____
Like organ music ____
Need to feel morally superior ____
Thought Jerry Falwell was cool ____
Thought there might be something other than Jerry Falwell ____
@#%$* was falling out of the sky ____
My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it____

5.Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god(s) were you fooled by?

Baal ____
Amon Ra ____
Beelzebub ____
Bill Gates ____
The Almighty Dollar ____
Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur ____
The Great Spirit ____
The Great Pumpkin ____
The Radical Right ____
The Sun ____
The Moon ____
The Force ____
Cindy Crawford ____
Elvis ____
A burning shrub ____
Psychotherapy _____
Other (specify): _______________________

6.

Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to your deity? Please check all that apply. ____ Tarot ____ Astrology ____ Television ____ Fortune cookies ____ Ann Landers ____ Psychic Friends Network ____ Oprah Winfrey ____ Dianetics ____ Self-help books ____ Sex, drugs, rock & roll ____ Biorhythms ____ Alcohol ____ Marijuana ____ Kava Kava ____ George Bush, Jr. ____ Tea Leaves ____ EST ____ Amway ____ Chat rooms ____ Mantras ____ Jimmy Swaggert ____ Crystals ____ Human sacrifice ____ Pyramids ____ Wandering around a desert ____ Reality TV ____ Insurance policies ____ Burning shrubbery ____ Barney Fife ____ None of the above
Other (specify): _______________________