Parenting and Children Questions

[Saint Tigeress]

Hi!

I want to talk about parenting techniques and children things.

I have always hated children, but as I get older I seem to be slowly warming up to the idea. I will have a planned child though. It must be planned, for both mine and the child's sake.

Tonight my coworker sent me a text and asked me: "If a kid did something bad and confided in you, would you tell thier parents?"

My response was,

It depends on how serious it was and it depends on the kid. With a decently behaved kid and something relatively normal, absolutely not. The act of the child confiding in an adult was a sign of awareness and responsibility. The reason children do not confide in thier parents in cases like this is because they are already aware that they did something wrong. Upsetting and/or angering thier parents and being punished is not a logical course of action.

Agreed?

If I were a parent and my child did not feel comfortable confiding in me, I would rather them confide in another adult rather than not confide in anyone grown at all. Children need adult friends that they can openly talk to and recieve unbiased advise and guidance.

If it were something serious and I felt that the parents must be told... lets say that a little boy confided in me that he molested a girl and felt horrible about it... I would talk to him about it, try to reach a root of the problem in what provoked him, then explain why at some point his parents need to be aware, and then try to convince him to tell them. I would prep the parents for this and promise to make sure he recieved the least amount of negative repercussions as possible, while making sure he got proper help.

When you do that you are risking losing the childs trust. So I would stress that the majority of the time I would not want to tell his parents, and explain why.

Agreed?

So I have been thinking a lot about how I want to handle my children, assuming I will have any.

I want to stress to my kids "If you can't be good, BE SAFE." Kids are going to find a way to do what they want to do. Restricting them from situations in which they can make bad choices is restricting thier knowledge of the world. They need to experience the good and the bad, and learn how to handle themselves safely when they are in bad situations, making bad decisions, and doing all out idiotic things.

My dad had an interesting approach to parenting that kind of demonstrates this logic. He played ninja. He had hearing amplifiers hidden, and he would spy on our conversations. He bought is walkie-talkie headsets for christmas so that we could run around the neighborhood and talk to each other. Little did we know that there was a fourth headset. We were always scheming up plans to sneak out and meet guys... do this and do that. He knew about all of it cause we always planned it out amounst ourselves. Sometimes he would let us get away with it, I guess depending on what we were planning, and other times he would bust us right in the middle of what we were doing. We were always baffled.

My house eventually became the impossible house to sneak out of.

One time we were carefully quietly planning all day to sneak out at midnight and meet friends. We were like, 13-14. We were soooo careful. Our plans got cancelled cause some of our other neighborhood friends couldn't make it for some reason. So right on the dot at midnight we were quietly laying on the living room floor on the makeshift queen bed we made watching a movie with all the lights out, and we hear my dad open his bedroom door right at midnight, sigh, and come walking out right past us towards the front door with a flashlight in his hand.

We say, "Hey were are you going?"

We suprised him and he spun around to see us laying there and he sputtered an excuse and went back to bed.

At that moment we knew he was spying on us with advanced technology. LOL.

But he knew about EVERYTHING WE DID. He knew about us breaking into the neighbors houses. He knew about us stealing, us smoking, doing drugs... etc.

When we broke into the neighbors house you know what we did? We picked the neighbors that we had known since we were 5, who had more money than they knew what to do with. We'd jump the fence and go skinny dipping in their pool at midnight with thier waterfall. I was skinny enough to go through thier doggy door and I realized that opening the door from the inside didn't set off the alarm. We'd watch thier big screen tv, eat thier snacks from thier massive walk in pantry, and when we were done we didn't leave a fingerprint and we didn't steal anything or move anything other than pantry snacks. It was completely harmless and it never escalated. It's a fun memory. He knew, and he never said a word. He just monitered the situation.

If I got busted by other people for doing something wrong, or if I got hurt... nevermind the wounds or the punishment from the other people (like if it was school), I was in serious trouble because I was careless enough to get caught.

If I got caught by my dad I was in moderate trouble.

If I confessed I was in minor trouble.

Like when my friends and I got ratted out to the church missionaries for smoking pot. My friend BettyFord made a secret call to me telling me to confess before her mom called and told my dad. I freaked and started crying and confessed in this huge emotional way that I smoked pot. He looked a little surprised and said calmy, "Ughhh... go to your room." He probably already knew about that from his spying. lol. I was grounded for a few days, and all my girlfriends were grounded for a month. I was so confused. lol.

So I want to stress to my children that they can confide in me. If they do I will not reprimand them, but try to talk to them like I would have talked to a friend back in the day. Thier repercussions will be as light as possible.

If I catch them, they're in trouble. Etc.

If I catch them because they were busted by someone else, they are in serious trouble. Primarily because if they were being careless enough to get busted, they were being careless enough to get hurt.

Whenever they do something bad and I am in a position to coach them about it cause I caught them, I will explain why that which they did is bad, and or dangerous. Then I will explain that if they are caught agian they will be in even greater trouble. Then I will explain how to do what they did in a safe manner, and if I catch them doing it a second time and they are not being safe, there will be hell to pay.

As kids we rarely did anything malicious, but we did do things that were potentially unsafe. Luckily my friends and I were very conscious of being safe. When we were with guys, we always stayed around each other, together and watched each other. At night when we would sneak out we never went anywhere alone or let each other out of sight. If one of us was in potential danger, like when my friend had a illegal drug reaction, we didn't think twice, she was up and home and her dad was told. We never let each other drink and drive. If there was no alternative we would stash the car somewhere safe, drive them where they could recover, drive them back later and help sneak them inside then, or just have them stay over without telling thier parents and then they would get in trouble for that instead of killing themselves.

That is the way kids need to be taught to think if they are going to do stupid things anyway. Be stupid AND be safe.

I am still thinking this through obviously.

[Willamena]

I appreciate your total control of your world.

[Saint Tigeress]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You mean like I overthink everything and pick everything I do and think apart until I am satsfied? lol.

[Saint Tigeress]

I know I don't have control over the world, or even my own little world. Do I sound like I live in my own little world?

My coworkers always say that I live in my own little world. That is not really an impression I would like to create.

The only thing I have total control over is myself, and the way I respond to the world around me. I always make a goal to approach the things I am unsure of or uneducated about objectively, and discuss it with an open mind until I feel I have reached the right conclusion for me.

With children I believe in nature over nurture. The way one responds to that nature is the most important part of being a parent, not trying to prevent that nature.

[monta]

My dad had an interesting approach to parenting that kind of demonstrates this logic. He played ninja. He had hearing amplifiers hidden, and he would spy on our conversations. He bought is walkie-talkie headsets for christmas so that we could run around the neighborhood and talk to each other. Little did we know that there was a fourth headset. We were always scheming up plans to sneak out and meet guys... do this and do that. He knew about all of it cause we always planned it out amounst ourselves. Sometimes he would let us get away with it, I guess depending on what we were planning, and other times he would bust us right in the middle of what we were doing. We were always baffled.

Your dad sounds like a regular box of sunshine

[UltraViolet]

I would rather be the adult my kids and their friends feel... and KNOW... they can talk honestly... and openly with. (without "reproach" or punishment)

I can fill that role.
Their parents can fill whatever roles they themselves chose.

I am not a "parent" first. I am a person first.
An individual.
And that is how I view everyone,
no matter what their age.

[Saint Tigeress]

Originally Posted by monta

Your dad sounds like a regular box of sunshine

Sure was. All my friends still love him to this day. I am totally normal and successful for my age, and my dad and all of my friends and I are still all very close.

See what happened was, my best friend and I both were raised by single fathers. We were also neighbors. Our dads had no idea what to do with a girl, so they kind of banded together and traded us back and forth. My bff's dad worked two jobs and he cared even less about what we did than my dad. We could literally walk our the front door of her house, watch for my dad in case he had been spying, do what we wanted, and walk back in the front door at 4 am.

We went over there once we got smart and didn't want to get caught. We stayed at my house when my dad wanted us to stay there, or if we just wanted to stay at my house cause we didn't have any plans. My friends loved my dad. He was cool as hell (despite his quirks)with us and he talked to us like we were not stupid little kids. We would literally just hang around all night talking with him.

Originally Posted by UltraViolet

I would rather be the adult my kids and their friends feel... and KNOW... they can talk honestly... and openly with. (without "reproach" or punishment)

I can fill that role.
Their parents can fill whatever roles they themselves chose.

I am not a "parent" first. I am a person first.
An individual.
And that is how I view everyone,
no matter what their age.

Definitely. It takes thought and balance to do that. Thought seems to be the hard part for most people.

It's similar to balancing a manager/friend role at work. Self aware, thoughful people handle it well. Others come off like a bipolar mess. I don't want to be like that.

[DallasApple]

Originally Posted by Saint Tigeress

Sure was. All my friends still love him to this day. I am totally normal and successful for my age, and my dad and all of my friends and I are still all very close.

See what happened was, my best friend and I both were raised by single fathers. We were also neighbors. Our dads had no idea what to do with a girl, so they kind of banded together and traded us back and forth. My bff's dad worked two jobs and he cared even less about what we did than my dad. We could literally walk our the front door of her house, watch for my dad in case he had been spying, do what we wanted, and walk back in the front door at 4 am.

We went over there once we got smart and didn't want to get caught. We stayed at my house when my dad wanted us to stay there, or if we just wanted to stay at my house cause we didn't have any plans. My friends loved my dad. He was cool as hell (despite his quirks)with us and he talked to us like we were not stupid little kids. We would literally just hang around all night talking with him.



Definitely. It takes thought and balance to do that. Thought seems to be the hard part for most people.

It's similar to balancing a manager/friend role at work. Self aware, thoughful people handle it well. Others come off like a bipolar mess. I don't want to be like that.

Your dad to me (IMHO) sounds like he really cared about you.(oops and still does )

Love

Dallas

[DallasApple]

Originally Posted by Saint Tigeress

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You mean like I overthink everything and pick everything I do and think apart until I am satsfied? lol.

Are you the Tasmanian devil type? Kind of spinning around and around ?LOL!!!

But I would kind of agree.Im like you a little bit.I have thought and thought and thought and planned this way and that way in my head about things and in the end I was either "worried about nothing"..or I was completely off the mark.

My husband though is one of those that "plans" out every step.Meticoulously.The problem is he places other people in his plans and tries to predict how they will be or not be or what they will do or not do in his plan.If it deviates an inch from his "plan" he has a meltdown.

I just got to the point I just simplify it to worrying and dont have a plan.

If I actually plan for something its usually 10 minutes before I do it or its going to happen.In the meantime I try not to worry.

Life is full of surprises good and bad no matter how much or little I worry and plan.

NOW having said that I do plan on things that are not so much involving other humans.Like paying off the mortgage at a higher rate than the minimum.(adding to principle)

I dont even know what Im going on about..TBH.

Love

Dallas

[Willamena]

Originally Posted by Saint Tigeress

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You mean like I overthink everything and pick everything I do and think apart until I am satsfied? lol.

Sorry. It wasn't intended sarcastically, or anything. It's just that you say you don't even have kids, and yet you have all this figured out like a plan in advance. That's impressive.

Some who are already parents haven't figured as much.