Making Friends...

[Vintagegold]

Lately I've been noticing that it's really difficult for me to make friends. And I know it has a lot more to do with than the fact that I'm married too. I've had difficulties making friends for a very long time and I can't help but think that there must be something inherently wrong with ME.

It seems that I lose friends as fast as I make them. I realized this when I was 21 as I had a higher maturity level than most people around my age-- I was living on my own, completely self-sufficient and I had to make hard choices that most people my age at that time would have needed their parents input (or even decision) to make whereas I was on my own about it. It was hard to relate to others because of that, and also because of the fact that I needed to work alot I ended up distancing myself from others. As I result, I can tell my social skills have been completely shot. Sometimes little things that I do (or don't) give others the impression that I am being rude, don't care about them, or don't want their presence around. Because of the latter, I ended up losing an acquaintance who could have turned out to be a good friend recently.

I believe in self-improvement and looking to the better but I am also realistic in my expectations of others. It's gotten to the point where I have lowered my standards so low that I would want to be friends with anyone, just so I could have friends. Don't get me wrong, I DO want to have genuine friends but it seems that genuine people are even harder to find. I mean, I consider myself lucky if someone bothers to call me back after I called them a month ago. I pretty much take what I can get and it seems that is as good as it'll get.

So this brings me back to looking at what may be wrong with me. Sometimes people apply labels to me that unfortunately are not who I am, such as by calling me "goody-goody" or "conservative" because I choose to live by life "conservatively". If not wanting to get wasted every weekend means being conservative, fine I guess. If not enjoying drama, backstabbing, or ill behavior means conservative, sure. But I don't go around preaching to others what I think they should or shouldn't be; I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they already know. But I guess this in itself is a contradiction which is confusing I'm sure. For some reason, people think that I'm actually hiding what I "really" think which is not true-- I know how to be honest without being spiteful and brash, that's all. But it seems people want me to be a b@#$% even though that is not me at all!

I also seem to offend people randomly. I'll make what I think is a really cheesy or corny joke to break the ice, and end up making someone feel like I "crossed the line" or was "over the top." I'm sorry, last time I checked wasn't making gyno jokes with other girls supposed to be funny? But apparently not. Speaking of females, I have found that it's harder to make friends with them than with men. I don't know why...I'm not catty, mean, or gossipy. Maybe I just don't live up to certain expectations and end up making people feel like I don't want them around? I don't know. I've learned that sometimes you can't take things personally but apparently not everyone has learned that themselves.

If it isn't that, then I give people a "weird" feeling. An acquaintance wanted to introduce me to one of her friends who she thought would get along great with me (seeing that I am abysmally low in the friends department as well) and was going to introduce me to "Jane" at a local expresso bar by the university. Well, things came up for the acquaintance but she encouraged her friend and I to met anyway, and exchanged our emails. We emailed each other a couple times back and forth and when it was time to finalize meeting, I let Jane know that I was going to be there at X time and A date. I was there and she wasn't. I waited and she didn't show up. Then I tried contacting her again and got no reply. So I was able to get a hold of our "matchmaker" and come to find out, Jane did show up but got a "weird" feeling about me and the entire time stayed in her car and watched me in the expresso bar until I left! ***?

I don't know how to overcome these obstacles. All that I've ever asked in a friendship is to at least communicate with me on a reasonable and timely level, and agree to disagree. But that seems so hard to find. I miss having friends, especially girl friends and it can get really lonely. I love my husband, but I need friendship and I don't expect him to fulfill all my social needs. What can I do?

[kadzbiz]

You cannot hurry destiny. Friends come and go. Each person you meet in your life has a purpose, so some stay a long time, others briefly. Learn from each encounter, savour it. Don't long to linger in a friendship. Just be true to yourself and happy in your own heart with who you are. You only need one true friend to be rich and hopefully you are married to them now. Often the more we want something to ccur, the more it stays out of our reach, and the more we fear something will happen, the more we make it so. Friends will come to your circle through the natural course of you engaging in your normal interests, or perhaps you need to expand them. Lilke attracts like.

[UltraViolet]

All my friends are on the net.

Somehow it's easier for me to find "likes" there.

Occasionally they materialize in my "real life".

And then I feel very lucky.

[UltraViolet]

I think when I start playing (music) out again,
I may meet some people more locally
who have some kind of similar life outlook to me,
or at least something of deep importance in common (music).

Musicians/Artists are often less judgemental
of alternative lifestyles anyway...
and are maybe less superstitious
about things like Magick & "Darker" Arts?

Who knows.

Anyway, If I don't make an effort to "get out there"
Who can I expect to meet?
ya know?

There's certainly no "first church of Magick"
or "Setian Temple"
down my main street.
Is there one down yours?

So much for SUN day fellowship then.....

[zenzero]

Friend Vintagegold,
This is true with everyone.
Relationship is not something that can be developed over night.
in today's world even children deserts their parents who brings them to this world , raise them etc. They might maintain a facade by giving lip service to the relationship due to social pressure otherwise there is no love lost attitude.
In general friendship is only for some common goal and with the goal achieved, friendship gets over.
Mostly it is the childhood friendship that has the test of time to last which too sometimes gets worn due to time lag and present weather [circumstances]; but still some genuine feelings remain.
In life one has to keep sharing without expectations and when the time comes things will fall in place on its own.
This is the personal experience and could differ with others.
LOve & rgds

[Charity]

Isn't it strange how you can make enemies much faster than friends
On the serious note just having one really good friend is a blessing and is better than having 20 friends who you can't trust, talk to or rely on....The best friendships happen when you least expect them and from people that you least expect to be your friend. Consider me as a friend anytime you need one.....

[Vintagegold]

Originally Posted by zenzero

Friend Vintagegold,
In general friendship is only for some common goal and with the goal achieved, friendship gets over.

I understand that friendships do not happen overnight. No true relationship happens overnight but it seems people always have their own agendas-- such as what you described that I have quoted-- or people just don't care anymore! I didn't realize that technology had taken over the human condition of face-to-face contact. No wonder I dislike technology so much. I don't believe true friends can exist over the internet-- trust me I have been there a few times already and each time showed that friendships need to exist in the real world.

I hate it when people say that I only need one best friend. Before everyone flocks on me about being ungrateful for the advice that is being given, let me explain myself. I do not believe my husband can fulfill all of my social needs. He can't. That's unreasonable to expect of one person. Just as I can't fulfill all his social needs as well. That's why I believe in having friends and making friends. But over the last few years, I see that other people make friends very easily whereas its a struggle for me just to get someone to give me a call back confirming a hangout date in a timely manner. This can't be something that most people go through either; when I'm at a social event I feel like I don't belong whereas everyone has their own clique.

[Quagmire]

Originally Posted by Vintagegold

I hate it when people say that I only need one best friend. Before everyone flocks on me about being ungrateful for the advice that is being given, let me explain myself. I do not believe my husband can fulfill all of my social needs. He can't. That's unreasonable to expect of one person. Just as I can't fulfill all his social needs as well. That's why I believe in having friends and making friends. But over the last few years, I see that other people make friends very easily whereas its a struggle for me just to get someone to give me a call back confirming a hangout date in a timely manner.

It's unreasonable to expect that you can "get" anyone to do anything. When it comes to social situations, people lean towards doing what they want to do, that's the whole point.

Originally Posted by Vintagegold

This can't be something that most people go through either

I think you would be surprised. People flake on each other all the time. It's actually normal. Expecting it to be otherwise puts undue pressure on the other people involved and actually makes it less likely that they'll act reliably (like I say, in social situaions people are apt to do what they want to do).

Originally Posted by Vintagegold

; when I'm at a social event I feel like I don't belong whereas everyone has their own clique.

You have your own clique too, a very exclusive one; apparently you're the only one in it.

Next time you find yourself in a situation like you're describing ask yourself; "are they excluding me from their clique, or am I excluding them from mine"?

[zenzero]

Friend vintagegold,

But over the last few years, I see that other people make friends very easily whereas its a struggle for me just to get someone to give me a call back confirming a hangout date in a timely manner. This can't be something that most people go through either; when I'm at a social event I feel like I don't belong whereas everyone has their own clique.

I fully understand your statements as have gone through similar feelings but am over it because now, have understood that am part of life and that living means to live fully and one can live when one enjoys . So, now enjoy everything that I do and do whatever I enjoy. This way do not have to see or find out what others are thinking or doing as it is their life and not mine.

Am sure you too should start enjoying whatever you do and do whatever you enjoy doing.

Love & rgds