Help please...

[Saint Tigeress]

I know that when one is in a bad relationship there are many deeper meanings to this. I saw a thread on it a long time ago, and for the life of me I cannot find it .

My best friend is going through a divorce. Her husband is obsessed with projecting his issues onto her. I know that is a psychological defense mechanism. In addition he is obsesses with telling her,

"When you are happy, I'm happy." Implying that he is unhappy because she is unhappy.

Transferring the responsibility for your own emotional state to someone else other than yourself means what?

Thanks you guys!

[DallasApple]

"When you are happy, I'm happy." Implying that he is unhappy because she is unhappy.

Transferring the responsibility for your own emotional state to someone else other than yourself means what?

I dont know exactly what it means..But its an unfair burden to put on another human being..Not only is it unfair its unrealistic to expect another person to maintain or "control" your feelings ...

Im not saying in a marriage relationship..you have no influence over how the other person may feel..In fact I think we have quite a bit of influence since we are living together ..and relying on each other...and I think its good to feel content and "happy" when we know our spouse is...

It could just very well mean ..."I must be doing the right things..my spouse seems happy"..Its a type of validation or affirmation..

I also think on the flip side..It would be disturbing (to me) if I was for instance very sad or hurting over something..and my spouse just went whistling along..sort of like.."Im not going to let you interfere with my happiness"..I would hope he would be "concerned"...

Plus moods are "contageous"...If you are not feeling quite so "jolly"..and you get around people who are cracking up(in a light hearted way)..your mood can in fact be uplifted by them...you might even be temporarily suspended of all your worries...

So I guess it depends on exactly what you are talking about with your friend...

I will tell you my husband has repeatedly told me that over the years..Except he said "Im ONLY happy when you are happy"...

I also know that if I was upset about something..it didnt help if he became "distraught" "aggitated" and hyper sensitive along with me..I needed him to be "strong" and calm....

Many times I did feel like he was too "connected" to every mood I experienced and it was like he "followed" my lead...Its like I said above put a heavy burden on me...I felt responsible for his emotions...

I guess what we are talking about here are "extremes"..

But the saying..."If Mama aint happy aint nobody happy" must of come from somewhere...LOL!

Love

Dallas

[Saint Tigeress]

Thanks Dallas!!

In a little more detail, what happened is that, she told him all the things that she has been telling him about for the last three years, but this time she said that she couldn't handle it any longer and that she was sick of being unhappy. Instead of taking note of those things, he is pointing the finger back at her and blaming all his shortcomings on her unhappiness, and saying that everything will get fixed if she will just "have faith in him" and be happy.

*BULL*&^^%%$%$^*^*!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could find that thread. I could have swore it was stickied. I think Sunstone made it. It was something about how to identify an abusive/bad relationship. One of them was your bf/gf saying stuff like "You make me so happy."

When I first read it I thought it was awfully common, then the more I thought about it the more sense it made but I still can't put my finger on it.

[3.14]

Psychological projection - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

and

Depersonalization - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

and

Dependent personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Worshipper]

I'm with Dallas on this one. I tend to think that it's bad to be emotionally dependent on someone else, but at the same time, if I'm down and my wife isn't upset in the least about it, I just feel very alone. That doesn't mean I want her to be depressed about it — no sense in her jumping into a pit with me. But at the same time, I'd like to think my happiness is important to her.

I can't quite grasp the situation your friend is dealing with here based on what you've said. I don't see where the abuse is happening, at least in the ways we usually think of when we think of abuse. That doesn't mean I think there's no abuse — just that I can't see it from what you've told us.

In general terms, I don't think it's abusive to tell your partner "you make me happy," unless we're defining abuse as any interaction short of perfect respect, civility, decency, and love. It is abusive to attribute your own emotions to another person instead of claiming total responsibility for them yourself, but in our less-than-perfect world, if you don't attribute your emotions to your partner like this, you're not likely to keep the relationship alive very long. I'm sure there are exceptions, but most people want very badly to feel like they affect the ones they love. We should move past that kind of binding we put on others, but it's not like we should leave every abusive relationship where our partner tells us we make them happy.

That's not to say that an abusive person can't also say things like "you make me happy," where that is part of the abuse. But not everyone who says "you make me happy" is abusing the person he or she says it to in any appreciable way. In other words, this symptom alone isn't enough to diagnose abuse.

[Draka]

My ex-husband did that transference of responsibility thing. Not one to want to face himself and his own shortcomings it was easier for him to pass blame onto me. He was a very jealous and controlling man. I wasn't to even speak to another man, let alone have men as friends. Going out with a girlfriend or two for a "girls' night out" was abominable to him because I might get hit on. I was constantly accused of cheating as well. I mean constantly. When I finally couldn't take his controlling behavior anymore and told him I was filing for divorce he turned on me and said that he was right all along, I had to be cheating on him. He said the only reason for me to leave him would be that I was screwing around. As if he was so perfect that no one could find a fault with him. Our failed marriage was all my fault according to him. I gave up and lost so much because of him and stood by him when no one else would have, yet I was the one that ruined his life in his eyes.

I don't know if it is a maturity thing or not, but plain and simple, he would not face who he really was. In denial, it was easier for him to pass the buck to me so that his own image of himself wasn't marred. Perhaps it is the same with your friend's relationship.

[Saint Tigeress]

My friend's relationship isn't abusive, just an unhappy one. Douchebag here isn't as bad as yours Draka, but I think it could be his little brother...

You pretty much described her husband. He lies all the time and does anything he can to make himself look good. He is just in denial.

Thanks for the links there!!!

[cardero]

Originally Posted by Saint Tigeress

I wish I could find that thread. I could have swore it was stickied. I think Sunstone made it. It was something about how to identify an abusive/bad relationship. One of them was your bf/gf saying stuff like "You make me so happy."

Eight Signs Of Partner Abuse