To improve your marriage - STOP talking!

[methylatedghosts]

Originally Posted by mrscardero

I find that when men talk, they like to be heard and they want their partners to listen. But when it's the women's turn to talk, men grab the remote because the game is on. Is this true?

Guys communicate with fact, generally. Females take a bit longer to talk about things, because they seem to inject a lot of detail. That's not a bad thing, it's just different. A guys conversation is more to the point and (especially if it's over the phone) short. I like how Dylan Moran describes it:

"Females are amazing. They pick up alot of things that us guys don't. You'll be having a great conversation with another couple, and soon as they leave, she'll turn to you and say
"She's depressed"
"How can you tell?"
"She didn't finish her tea"

A guy generally needs a bit more information than that
"Oh, I knew he was a bit off - his head was on fire"

The way females communicate is such that half way through them trying to say everthing, the game's already started!

[DallasApple]

"It's the connection, stupid!" exclaims Love, quickly adding that it's not me personally she's calling stupid. "Everyone -- men, women, myself included -- needs to learn that before we can communicate with words, we need to connect nonverbally. We can do that in simple ways, through touch, sex, doing things together. The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you're not talking."
Stosny puts it this way: "We need to stop trying to assess the bonding verbally and instead let the words come out of the bonding." Interestingly, he adds, "When couples feel connected, men want to talk more and women need to talk less, so they meet somewhere in the middle. Being aware of the fear-shame dynamic helps."

This is great...

But question?...

If before we can "communicate" with "words"...we need to communicate through "touch,sex and doing things together"...How in the world do we date?

What?..The man approaches a woman he likes and goes "grunt"..And if she is interested they start touching each other and go somewhere together ...Then his toungue is unlocked because he feels "connected" and they can communicate with words????

No I dont think so...Its the other way around..You talk and get to know each other...then comes the physical..

Why pray tell does that go in reverse in a long term committed relationship??..Why AFTER you are committed does suddenly the man need touch first before he can communicate with words?

Was he "tricking her" all those courting days when he called her and talked to her for hours?

No...I think that all be it I agree with the being non critical...This article makes men sound like some sort of apes in a cave..who cant speak or have meaningful conversations ...

If a man is so primitive he cant hear a woman say "i feel isolated from you lately"..without his eyes glazing over and him loping into a cave to whatch more apes throw a ball around to escape the terror of verbal communication???..We are all in a lot of touble man..

Love

Dallas

[MysticSang'ha]

LOL!!! I see what you're saying Lana!!

I can understand this part though:

When couples feel connected, men want to talk more and women need to talk less, so they meet somewhere in the middle. Being aware of the fear-shame dynamic helps.....

A HUGE hurdle in our marriage - and this was after Steve came back from being overseas when we were really struggling as a couple - was when he took a shot at being vulnerable once, and practically only once, to me saying that he was scared to talk to me, and that I can be incredibly intimidating. At first, I thought, "WHAT?".........you served for over a year overseas in the war, and wittle me at 4'11" is scary to YOU?!?!? I just didn't believe it.

Of course, that led to a lot of misunderstandings and distance between the two of us. Eventually, though, out of desperation (like he did when he opened up like that), I allowed myself to believe him and to put myself in his shoes when it came to how he perceives me. I tried to see myself as someone who potentially is intimidating, and bit by bit things changed for us.

I don't think it's about a couple who needs to stop talking, but to redirect the focus of the discussions a bit, and to be considerate on both sides. Like I'd said before, when I go talk with my girlfriends, or to my online friends (), I'm not saying constantly to them all: "We need to talk". And because Steve and I are friends above all else, I tend not to change the game plan with him.

[DallasApple]

Originally Posted by methylatedghosts

Guys communicate with fact, generally. Females take a bit longer to talk about things, because they seem to inject a lot of detail. That's not a bad thing, it's just different. A guys conversation is more to the point and (especially if it's over the phone) short. I like how Dylan Moran describes it:

"Females are amazing. They pick up alot of things that us guys don't. You'll be having a great conversation with another couple, and soon as they leave, she'll turn to you and say
"She's depressed"
"How can you tell?"
"She didn't finish her tea"

A guy generally needs a bit more information than that
"Oh, I knew he was a bit off - his head was on fire"

The way females communicate is such that half way through them trying to say everthing, the game's already started!

I agree with you..Its the "womans intution"..But did you notice what the woman in the tea story picked up was a non verbal cue?..

Also a found a research article that said that women do no talk more than men..They are pretty much even..As far as words spoken per day...

They just tend to talk about differnt things...

At another forum..the guys over there would just crack me up stating over and over men dont like to talk as much as women...

These same guys..I swear to you talked ALL DAY long to the same women they were saying this to about many different subjects daily...I would just fall on the floor laughing..These same guys were "typing" thousands and thousands of words everyday....And they werent writing a book or research articles..They were TALKING/ yapping 90 miles an hour with women...

And not only that..I did notice they were less likely to talk a whole bunch(or as much) about in depth details of their personal lifes or their "feelings"..But it was obvious on many occasions they let their emotions get the best of them.Including name calling and rolling of eyes (emoticons) and statements like "whatever"..In the same breath they were talking about women being driven by thier emotions and being "hysterical"...Where as men were more "level headed".....and not as "excitable" as women..

Love

Dallas

[DallasApple]

Originally Posted by MysticSang'ha

LOL!!! I see what you're saying Lana!!

I can understand this part though:



A HUGE hurdle in our marriage - and this was after Steve came back from being overseas when we were really struggling as a couple - was when he took a shot at being vulnerable once, and practically only once, to me saying that he was scared to talk to me, and that I can be incredibly intimidating. At first, I thought, "WHAT?".........you served for over a year overseas in the war, and wittle me at 4'11" is scary to YOU?!?!? I just didn't believe it.

Of course, that led to a lot of misunderstandings and distance between the two of us. Eventually, though, out of desperation (like he did when he opened up like that), I allowed myself to believe him and to put myself in his shoes when it came to how he perceives me. I tried to see myself as someone who potentially is intimidating, and bit by bit things changed for us.

I don't think it's about a couple who needs to stop talking, but to redirect the focus of the discussions a bit, and to be considerate on both sides. Like I'd said before, when I go talk with my girlfriends, or to my online friends (), I'm not saying constantly to them all: "We need to talk". And because Steve and I are friends above all else, I tend not to change the game plan with him.

I agree..Im a lot toungue in cheek but a little bit "dead serious" LOL!!!

We scare them because they are "tender" more tender than they like to admit..because women are supposed to be the ones all about "feelings"..

So if you buy into that WRONG stereo type..Women will forget and be a little too "rough" not thinking how deeply it affects them...

I think men are just as "affected" as women maybe even more..But see the savign grace for them on that?..Did you note in the article about the "cortisal" reaction that both men and women have in a fight?...

I don't find it coincidence that mens levels of that chemical return to normal in hours..But womens levels can remain elevated for days...

THAT esplains a lot...That explains why the next day..or even later that day my husband has "forgotten all about that" and wants a "hug"..And Im like you have GOT to be kidding me???...GET AWAY FROM me?????

And he is clueless..I remind him he said somethign hurtful..and he says so did you..but "I dont dwell" on things..or "I dont let things like that bother me "...

Which is not TRUE..He just physcially returns back to "non fight or flight state" much quicker...

So in this article grant it I agree what women can do to help..Men need be warned..His harsh words or critisizms will cause the same hurt as it does to him... ..but it lingers in her and that is by design.. I will never understand..I envy the men....But I cant testify to it in my life..

Anyway it makes me wonder..Jesus spoke more "tenderly" to women even in rebuke....He knew !!! LOL!!!..What about Buddah??..Do they know how he treated women versus men in speach or tone???

Also in the Bible it instructs men to live with their wives in "understanding"...

I guess my point is..This article should have not thrown the ball all in the womans court...We cant help the way we are anymore than they can....

The way this article reads its like teaching women how to "train" their husbands to act towrds them??..When it seems she has the "handicap" of her injuries and hurts (verbal)"affecting her" for a much greater lenght of time..

Shouldnt the man/men...understand this and cut her some slack as well???Adn be more tender rather than "tit-for-tat"...???

Men and women are different and those differences don't scare me..But frankly Im tired of the woman being told to shut up and have sex and settle for the stereo-type that the poor man is just clueless...

Sorry so long...

Love

Dallas

[d.]

also, stop looking and listening.

[DallasApple]

I'm not saying constantly to them all: "We need to talk". And because Steve and I are friends above all else, I tend not to change the game plan with him.

Your right about that...

Im more guilty though of taking one "issue" and riding the cortizol carpet with it...Like I was talking about above...

Something upsets me and it goes around in my head and I will talk and talk and talk about it for days...And then he gets defensive and may say something else I dont like and its just talkign and talkign and hammering it all out...Then I flash back and flash forward..Its like this "intense" need to resolve it but it goes around in a giangantic circle and nothing gets resolved other than I think I talk myself out of it!!! LOL!!!

The poor thing does try..But then he will say..."how long do you need to talk about this"...

The weird thing is after a couple days of that maybe even 3..I have completely lost sight of the original "isue" and it just a big gagarbled mess in my head...

Then I think..way a minute..Im not even mad anymore..Then we hit the sack...(what he was waiting for the whole time)

Then I drop it..

Then I think..."why did I waste all that time and energy ". I like it much better this way...Then I feel like a silly idiot..

Love

Dallas

[MysticSang'ha]

Originally Posted by DallasApple

Your right about that...

Im more guilty though of taking one "issue" and riding the cortizol carpet with it...Like I was talking about above...

Something upsets me and it goes around in my head and I will talk and talk and talk about it for days...And then he gets defensive and may say something else I dont like and its just talkign and talkign and hammering it all out...Then I flash back and flash forward..Its like this "intense" need to resolve it but it goes around in a giangantic circle and nothing gets resolved other than I think I talk myself out of it!!! LOL!!!

The poor thing does try..But then he will say..."how long do you need to talk about this"...

The weird thing is after a couple days of that maybe even 3..I have completely lost sight of the original "isue" and it just a big gagarbled mess in my head...

Then I think..way a minute..Im not even mad anymore..Then we hit the sack...(what he was waiting for the whole time)

Then I drop it..

Then I think..."why did I waste all that time and energy "