I need answers (moral, vain, pray, bible, divorce)

SoliDeoGloria · #1 09-13-2007, 10:02 PM

I don't expect to get answers right now. I come to you a desparate man. I am experiencing more pain than I know how to deal with right now. This is coming from someone who vainly assumed that the worst he would have to deal with is four years of prison.

This has been an unbelievably hard year for me. Late last year my wife decided to go to school, which I didn't have a problem with. After getting laid off at one factory, I took a graveyard shift job at another factory for the money to support us. For part of the year, I was doing sidework ( masonary ) to help out. Last spring my wife decided to get a part time job against my wishes at a restaurant. She also started to make friends at school of questionable character. One of which had a porn website and was a married "swinger". About a month and a half ago she started telling me that she was tired of being married, while swearing that it had nothing to do with me, and spending the night at "friend's" houses and drinking. She also had gone out of state a couple of times this year to spend time with friends.

One night, about four weeks ago, I had gotten up to use the bathroom, and I heard our home phone ringing at 2 in the morning. I decided to answer it and was hung up on. I decided to check out my wife's cell phone out of suspicion and saw that there was 5 missed calls and voice mails betweeen the hours of 1 am and 2 am. I called the number and was answered by a female. I asked her if she had been calling and she told me no. I asked her who else was in the house and she wouldn't answer me. I apologised for calling so late and listened to the voice messages to my despair. The owner of the restaurant's brother was having an affair with my wife. Anger that I have never known boiled in me and I called the number again and demanded that the lady put the man on the phone. Her husband answered thew phone and told me that he would come over and I told him to be sure to bring his brother and asked him if he wanted to listen to the voice messages on my wife's cell phone. He hung up on me and never showed up. I then woke my wife up and told her that her boyfriend was coming over. I asked her if she wanted me to leave or if she was going to leave and she told me that she would leave. The kids stayed with me. After about 2 weeks and another trip out of state for her. She decided to tell me that she wanted to try to work it out. I forgave her and we started seeing a pastor once a week. She had revealed to me that her spending the night at "friend's" houses was actually her spending the night at the man's house and she stayed working there until she eventually gave them her two week's notice and eventually stopped working there. I have done more crying in the last two months than I ever have and still cry. I took out a loan so that she wouldn't have to worry about money despite that fact that I work lots of 12 hour days and weekends. We even got matching tattoo's last weekend.

Tonight, she told me that the only reason she has tried to work it out is because feels bad for hurting me so bad and that she can't do it any more and decided to leave once again. So, here I sit, about as lonely as it gets and reaching out to anywhere desparately. I hope that I can make it through but doubt my endurance to. She wants me to have the house and the kids and not fuss with child support. While I would love nothing more than to get answers and for everything to be alright, I have given up on the idea that I will get any and just barely hope for the strength to make it through, if nothing else than for the kids.

Sincerely,
SoliDeoGloria
James

lunamoth · #2 09-13-2007, 10:41 PM

So sorry to hear all of this James.

I can only imagine the pain you are going through...I hope that somehow out of all this you can come out strengthened on the other side, as hard as it is right now. No matter the circumstance, a break in a relationship is like tearing flesh.

I'll keep you in my prayers tonight for peace, strength and courage.

luna

Aqualung · #3 09-13-2007, 10:46 PM

Wow, that sucks hard. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, except that the RF community cares about you in your troubles and will help you see it through.

Kungfuzed · #4 09-13-2007, 11:28 PM

Everyone is different so I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I have been through my wife cheating on me and then getting divorced. It's a terrible, demoralizing, and very depressing situation. I don't even like to think about it because it was one of the lowest points of my life. You might be really down right now, but just push through it. After my divorce I felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. And when I started dating again I discovered that I really could be loved and appreciated and that there are many other women who I could be much happier with. Now I'm married to someone new and happier than I've ever been. It took a few years and the process was gradual but it was all worth it. If she's offering the house and the kids I'd say take it. Get it all in writing with lawyers present and be done with it. You deserve some happiness.

SoliDeoGloria · #5 09-13-2007, 11:30 PM

The hardest part has to be that after being married for over 11 years, knowing her for 13+ years and the whole prison ordeal (which was over in 03), having four kids, buying a house, and doing at least what I thought was everything that I could; despite the fact that she claims that I have done nothing to warrant this; I am left wondering what I should've or could've done more or less and still end up with no answers and am left feeling more lonely and painfull than I ever have before.

I've searched the Bible and begged God for help and can't seem to get the sadness to end.

Quote:

So sorry to hear all of this James.

I can only imagine the pain you are going through...I hope that somehow out of all this you can come out strengthened on the other side, as hard as it is right now. No matter the circumstance, a break in a relationship is like tearing flesh.

I'll keep you in my prayers tonight for peace, strength and courage.

luna

Wow, that sucks hard. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, except that the RF community cares about you in your troubles and will help you see it through.

Thank you so much. I desparately need all the help I can get.

Sincerely,
James

SoliDeoGloria · #6 09-13-2007, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Everyone is different so I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I have been through my wife cheating on me and then getting divorced. It's a terrible, demoralizing, and very depressing situation.

Couldn't agree more. With the fact that sleeping is hard enough as it is working a graveyard shift job along with this happening, I was prescribed some lunesta pills to help me sleep. Sometimes, depending on what's happening at the time, I need to take more than one. The last therapist the parole board forced me to see was very antichristian and all we did was argue about religion plus I have a brother who takes medicine for a mental illness and I am not impressed with the help it gives him so my opinion of seeking help in that direction is not a very good one.

Sincerely,
James

Booko · #7 09-13-2007, 11:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoliDeoGloria

...despite the fact that she claims that I have done nothing to warrant this; I am left wondering what I should've or could've done more or less and still end up with no answers and am left feeling more lonely and painfull than I ever have before.

Take her at her word on this, James. You don't need to carry that extra baggage around, really. This will be a difficult time for you, but you will need what energy you have for your kids. They will be wondering the same sort of thing, and they're going to need Dad to help them through it.

Quote:

I've searched the Bible and begged God for help and can't seem to get the sadness to end.

You will go through a grieving process, and it will take as long as it takes. Please please be patient with yourself.

None of this will make much sense now, because you're in the center of the whirlwind. There will come a time when it does make more sense, if you are persistent.

If you are not having much luck with counselors, keep in close contact with your pastor at least. I know what you mean about some counselors not being so useful for those of us approaching life from a religious view.

In the meantime, our family will keep you in our prayers.

angellous_evangellous · #8 09-14-2007, 08:11 AM

James,

My only advice is that if you're drinking, you need to stop. Prayers and blessings during this time of loss.

A_E

jacquie4000 · #9 09-14-2007, 08:20 AM

You and your children are in my thoughts. Keep busy with your children and the church.

ayani · #10 09-14-2007, 08:45 AM

sweetheart- prayers for you and your kids.... i am so sorry for this trouble. take care of yourself, James. this is not your fault, my friend. she has made choices, and you are not responsible for them. i agree with Jacquie- i encourage you to stick by the church if it gives you comfort and strength, and keep talking to people.