How to break up? (reject, marriage, taoism)

[mingmty]

I use to post here from time to time, mostly keep quite reading many insightful comments and only reply when really feel like I can say something insightful.

Well, from my profile you can see I like philosophical Taoism, the thing is that i really dislike suffering, I'm always the first to give a smile to a sad stranger o to offer advice and support to friends going through difficult times, but now seems like sooner or later i will need to cause suffering.

My girlfriend is a beautiful girl, very lively and emotional, we had a great relationship for more than 2 years but lately we have been going down, now we fight very frequently and after trying to talk things out and fix the relationship several times now seems to me that the only exit is a break up. The problem is that she is heavily in love with me, I'm going to break her apart in a thousand pieces if I end our relationship, and i don't want to do that, also she has been talking about marriage recently and how she is missing the "ideal age" to get married...

What can i do? I just can't picture her crying without feeling terrible, I'm really lost, don't know what to do and how to do it, any ideas?

[Ðanisty]

I'm sorry you're going through this and I've never been good at these things either, so I don't have any advice for you really, but can I recommend a song that will just make you feel better listening to it? It's called How Do You Tell Someone by Cowboy Mouth. In fact the entire album Are You With Me? is a very comforting break-up album. Go buy it and know that you're not alone.

[Reverend Rick]

Just slip out the back Jack
Start a new plan Stan
No need to be coy Roy
Just hop off the bus Gus, you don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key Lee and set yourself free.

There is no good way to break up. Women don't handle rejection well. (men too)
The more you explain, the worst it will be. Bottom line it and keep your guard up.

When she mentioned marriage, were you truthful with her? If not, you have a problem on your hands. Make sure she is not alone when you leave. I have heard public places are good for dropping the bomb. Best make sure this is what you really want before hand.

[michel]

Originally Posted by Reverend Rick

Just slip out the back Jack
Start a new plan Stan
No need to be coy Roy
Just hop off the bus Gus, you don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key Lee and set yourself free.

There is no good way to break up. Women don't handle rejection well. (men too)
The more you explain, the worst it will be. Bottom line it and keep your guard up.

When she mentioned marriage, were you truthful with her? If not, you have a problem on your hands. Make sure she is not alone when you leave. I have heard public places are good for dropping the bomb. Best make sure this is what you really want before hand.

Good advice; just stick to what is factual................

now we fight very frequently and after trying to talk things out and fix the relationship several times now seems to me that the only exit is a break up. The problem is that she is heavily in love with me, I'm going to break her apart in a thousand pieces if I end our relationship, and i don't want to do that, also she has been talking about marriage recently and how she is missing the "ideal age" to get married...

Is just what you should be saying to her; as far as breaking her apart by breakingup the relationship, better now than continue with what you know is not going to work.........

There are times when we have to hurt others (there is no way of avoiding it); accept that - you can't go through life not upsetting folk (especially when It comes to relationships). Tell her the truth, and that you want both of you to come out of this sooner rather than later, and that it is the best for both of you.

[Ðanisty]

Originally Posted by Reverend Rick

The more you explain, the worst it will be. Bottom line it and keep your guard up.

As a woman, I have to respectfully disagree. If you don't explain things, she will always wonder why you broke up and she'll be fixated on it. I've known women who are still obsessing over why men left them 5 years ago.

Originally Posted by Reverend Rick

I have heard public places are good for dropping the bomb. Best make sure this is what you really want before hand.

Wow, I have to strongly disagree with this one. I've had someone break up with me in a public place and it was the most simultaneously embarrassing and enraging moment in my life. It's bad to get hurt by someone, but it's ten times worse for that hurt to be a public spectacle.

[Scuba Pete]

You will cause her FAR LESS PAIN the sooner you break up. Breaking up now will produce far fewer long lasting effects than doing it after you marry and have kids. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Remember, there is never a need to be mean during this process. You should be factual in your reasons but exercise discretion. I would simply state that you are not happy in the relationship and that you need to change it. Don't ever use those tired catch phrases like "It's not you: it's me!"

[Ðanisty]

Originally Posted by Scuba Pete

Don't ever use those tired catch phrases like "It's not you: it's me!"

I agree, don't say that. She won't believe you anyway. Just be honest and be firm about it. Yeah, she's probably going to cry and beg, etc. If you know this won't work, just stick to your guns about it. Don't be rude, but tell her why you think it isn't going to work. Don't leave doubts or questions in her mind, but it has the potential of holding her back from moving on.

[bflydad]

Breaking up is painful. It is going to hurt her and it is going to hurt you. Start by knowing that and accepting it into your heart.

I am assuming that since you have been together for two years that she is important to you. I am assuming that you love her (whether or not you are still in love with her). Acknowledge that while what you are doing is painful, in the long run it is best for both of you. Staying with her out of guilt is mean and you are denying her the chance to find something better elsewhere. With that said, do not spare yourself pain by breaking up with her in public or not explaining or not ... . If you still love her, then think of her as your friend (which does not mean that you will have a friendship after you break up). As a friend, you have a responsibility to be there for her during this painful time.

Now for how. First, do not assume she is stupid. Whether or not she denies it, at some level she also knows this is coming. I would suggest sitting down by yourself and writing down what needs of yours are not being met. Then consider what parts of her personality or character are not allowing her to meet those needs. Many people say it is not fair to ask someone to change for you; I believe it is impossible to change for someone else. Therefore, even if she tells you she will change for you, she won't because she can't. Fundamental personality/character change can only occur for the self. That is how I would approach it. You have a right to your needs. She has a right to be who she is. If those are incompatible, then you should separate. Some people think divorce is about two people no longer understanding each other. However, often it is about two people beginning to understand each other.

just my opinion... i could be wrong

[lizskid]

Originally Posted by Ðanisty

As a woman, I have to respectfully disagree. If you don't explain things, she will always wonder why you broke up and she'll be fixated on it. I've known women who are still obsessing over why men left them 5 years ago.

Absolutely, unresolved stuff is very difficult to learn from. All in all, an explanation, and a true one, that, hopefully does not throw the blame on any one person, will help her in the long run.

Wow, I have to strongly disagree with this one. I've had someone break up with me in a public place and it was the most simultaneously embarrassing and enraging moment in my life. It's bad to get hurt by someone, but it's ten times worse for that hurt to be a public spectacle.

No kidding there. She needs to be allowed to show her hurt feelings or pain, maybe get a little mad, you know it may happen. No point in embarassing either of you to a ridiculous point. Your relationship was private, your break-up should be, too.