have you ever been cheated on... (reject, Torah, pray, marriage)

[Mister_T]

Originally Posted by evearael

Mister T, I'm sorry you suffered so much, and I'm glad you're back safe in the states. She doesn't deserve you. Thanks for sharing your story.

Oh believe me, I know she doesn't deserve me or any form of my attention. But, that's where that whole spiritual thing comes into play........

[jewscout]

thank you Mister T, i feel like your story def. reflects what i'm going through right now dude.



i just hope Rachel isn't that screwed up that she's taking drugs and stuff...but at this point there is no telling w/ her.

[jewscout]

Originally Posted by Sunstone

This is an excellent question, Huff! For one thing, trust is essential to a healthy, loving, beneficial relationship, IMO. Hence, I think that if you deal with this issue wisely, you will be setting yourself up for a good future.

In a sense, your situation is somewhat akin to that of someone who has suffered a mugging by, say, a Chinese man. That person is no longer in a position to honestly believe "All Chinese men are harmless". If he tries to force that belief on himself, then he will, even to the extent he succeeds in doing so, deeply feel like he's living a lie. Perhaps worse, he will have learned nothing from his experience. If you attempt to handle Rachel''s betrayal of your trust by simply forcing yourself to trust the next woman who comes along, as if you naively believe that all women are trustworthy, or naively believe that any woman you might love is trustworthy, then you too will most likely have accomplished nothing less than to plunge yourself into the emotional and intellectual confusion caused by an effort to live a lie. Perhaps worse, you will be setting yourself up to repeat your past mistakes, for you will have learned nothing.

While blind, naive trust is no longer genuinely feasible for you, there are other traps you should consider the wisdom of avoiding. As you have probably noticed, it is a common experience for people, at one time in their life or another, to be betrayed by a lover. You are by no means alone, Huff, and your instinct to ask advice of others who have been through this sort of thing is an excellent one. You can also learn a lot from the many people you meet in real life. Some, for instance, become bitter and cynical about the other sex from having been betrayed by one or more members of it. This is exactly like the man who, mugged by a Chinese man, becomes bitter, cynical, prejudiced, hateful of all Chinese men.

It is not only an error in logic and reasoning to become bitter, cynical, prejudiced and hateful of women, but it shuts you off from the trust you will need in the future to have a healthy, loving relationship with a more worthwhile woman than the one(s) you have experience of. For those reasons, allowing yourself to become bitter, etc. is merely a trap that it is wise to avoid by learning to see it clearly as a trap. It is not necessary to condemn the trap and struggle against it. When you clearly see a trap, you naturally avoid it. So, your goal should be to simply understand the trap, rather than to merely resolve to avoid it.

If we have been mugged by one Chinese man, how do we avoid becoming prejudiced against all Chinese men? If we have been betrayed by one woman, how do we avoid becoming hateful of all women? The answer to those questions are in essence the answer to your question, "How does one learn to trust again?"

Are you begining to see a route out of suspicion, inability to trust, and the many consequences of it? There seem to me three things you must do intellectually here. Perhaps first, you must examine what Rachel has taught you about Rachel. What is it about her that might signal to you in the future that someone is untrustworthy? What can you learn from her about the warning signs of betrayal? Unless you examine this honestly and with care for the truths, you will not reassure yourself that you can avoid the same danger in the future, and hence, you will always feel an insecurity that works against your trusting someone again.

Second, you must ask yourself what is it about you that made you trust her? Was it naivity? Was it the fact you did not believe someone you loved so much could possibly betray you? Was it the belief that she loved you too much to betray you? Or, other things? Again, unless you reach honest and truthful conclusions about how you got blindsided, you will not feel confident enough that you can avoid being blindsided the same way in the future to genuinely trust again.

Last, you must deal with the natural tendency of humans to over generalize when they have been mugged by a Chinese man, betrayed by a woman, etc. And perhaps the best way to do this is to meet and get to know as many Chinese men, or as many women, as you can. What is most likely to overcome prejudice is not abstract, intellectual condemnation of it, but the experience of real people who are of the same group we are prejudiced against, but crucially different as individual(s) from the person of that group who mugged us or betrayed us. If I had a fear of Jews, Huff, I would certainly make an effort to know you because you are a good person. You would be a counter-experience to whatever basis my fear of Jews had. Again, until you have actual experiences of women who will not betray their lovers, you will not be entirely secure in your belief that such women exist, and that insecurity will work against your genuinely trusting someone again.

Please note: By "actual experiences" I do not necessarily mean "relationships with". You do not need to get into a relationship with a woman to learn her character, and to clearly see whether she is the sort to cheat on a lover or not.

So, those are three things you might try in learning to trust again. I very much agree with you that learning to trust again is a crucial issue to raise after one has been betrayed. The advice I've given you is the best I can, and I hope it guides you well. I am quite fallible, however, and believe that you will be best off seeking advice from many sources, as you've shown yourself willing to do, and then weighing what's best for you.

I admire how you're handling this betrayal, Huff, and if I'm ever betrayed by my Acme Latex Love Doll, I have surely learned from you the wisdom of going on the Forum to seek as many insights into how to deal with it as possible.

I hope what I've written can help, but if I have misguided you, O Jewish Superhero and Possessor of Many Intimidating Automatic Weapons, then may the Merciful Powers That Be graciously prevent you from ever learning my home address!

Thank's sunstone, i know that i have to go out and "meet" people (women) and realize that they are not all backstabbing hoochies. Honestly i still refuse to believe that Rachel is like that, it's like i said, friggin attack of the body snatchers or something w/ this girl.

Rachel grew up, just like i did, seeing the destructive power of lies, deciet and infidelity in a relationship and that's why none of us ever ever thought this would happen, let alone me. If she didn't want to be w/ me anymore she should have handled herself better, ya know? That i could have respected.
At this juncture, i could really give a damn about her excuses. I know what happened and why and that's the end of it. She destroyed something beautiful and we will never get that back again, even if down the line we decide to pursue a romantic relationship again, it will never be the same.

She is my first true love, the only woman i have ever given myself wholey to, and she will probably be the only woman i will ever give myself wholey to in my life, even when i meet someone new and get married to that person. Perhaps that's why i wanted so badly to make things right again.

Even though my greatest desire in life is to marry and have children and a family (now a jewish family specifically) i don't think that i'm ready to handle a relationship w/ anyone. At this point i know all i would try to do would be to recreate something that is lost, and that is not fair to the other person, or healthy for me to do. What happened happened and thankfully i didn't get the ring, fly all the way over there, get on my knee, propose and be totally humiliated in front of everyone.
oy vey just thinking about that hurts...

i don't know how i'll feel the next time i see rachel, but right now i'm feeling pretty good about myself and where i'm going.

thanks to everyone!

[PureX]

Originally Posted by jewscout

...well given the recent state of my life this thread was going to eventually come up...

have any of you ever been cheated on? What was the ultimate outcome of that event in regards to your relationship w/ that person? How long did it take for you to "get over it" if that is possible.
and how did you learn to trust someone else again? or have you learned how to?

I feel for ya, man.

This sort of thing is never easy, and some time will have to pass (and some new people come into your life) before you stop feeling the effect. But lots of folks here have mentioned some important points. Keep busy, don't project this girl's behavior into your next relationship (that would be very unfair to the next girl you date), don't hold grudges if you can help it, because they'll only make you the fool, when you are not the fool, here, now.

Also, it may be good to remember that what they'll do to you, today, they'll do to the next guy, tomorrow. It might be wise to actually consider yourself lucky. What if you got stuck with a cheater, or if she was really good at it and made a cuckold of you? And anyway, you don't want to be any place where you aren't appreciated, do you? Only crazy people want to be in a place where they're being disrespected.

I had a girlfriend in high school for several years who I now know cheated a lot. At the time I was too stupid and perhaps a bit unwilling to see it. Eventually we split and I was hurt, but moved on to a really, really nice girl who showed me what love was really about. I consider myself very fortunate, because that first girl went on to get married, and has cheated on her husband many, many times with all sorts of people. She even came on to me again some years later (I didn't accept the invitation).

I really feel bad for her husband. I don't know him but everyone says he's a real nice guy. I'm very glad I'm not in his shoes.

[angellous_evangellous]

Originally Posted by Mister_T

It's a good thing I was alone or I might be talking to you from a South African jail or worse. If I had somebody with me I would've had no reservations.

You ever see my tree-trunk-of-a-cousin in the Post Your Pic Thread? He's already volunteered to make sure I never travel alone again.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[michel]

Originally Posted by jewscout

Thank's sunstone, i know that i have to go out and "meet" people (women) and realize that they are not all backstabbing hoochies. Honestly i still refuse to believe that Rachel is like that, it's like i said, friggin attack of the body snatchers or something w/ this girl.

Rachel grew up, just like i did, seeing the destructive power of lies, deciet and infidelity in a relationship and that's why none of us ever ever thought this would happen, let alone me. If she didn't want to be w/ me anymore she should have handled herself better, ya know? That i could have respected.
At this juncture, i could really give a damn about her excuses. I know what happened and why and that's the end of it. She destroyed something beautiful and we will never get that back again, even if down the line we decide to pursue a romantic relationship again, it will never be the same.

She is my first true love, the only woman i have ever given myself wholey to, and she will probably be the only woman i will ever give myself wholey to in my life, even when i meet someone new and get married to that person. Perhaps that's why i wanted so badly to make things right again.

Even though my greatest desire in life is to marry and have children and a family (now a jewish family specifically) i don't think that i'm ready to handle a relationship w/ anyone. At this point i know all i would try to do would be to recreate something that is lost, and that is not fair to the other person, or healthy for me to do. What happened happened and thankfully i didn't get the ring, fly all the way over there, get on my knee, propose and be totally humiliated in front of everyone.
oy vey just thinking about that hurts...

i don't know how i'll feel the next time i see rachel, but right now i'm feeling pretty good about myself and where i'm going.

thanks to everyone!

At least there's a positive note there; keep it up!

When it happened to me, I was convinced I would never find anyone else. I was resigned to having platonic relationships with a few girls.......and I did, I had a lot of girl friends (but knew there would never be anything in it). Just when I seetled into accepting that was going to be the way forward, I met my wife.

[angellous_evangellous]

Originally Posted by michel

At least there's a positive note there; keep it up!

When it happened to me, I was convinced I would never find anyone else. I was resigned to having platonic relationships with a few girls.......and I did, I had a lot of girl friends (but knew there would never be anything in it). Just when I seetled into accepting that was going to be the way forward, I met my wife.

What the heck is a platonic relationship?

[jewscout]

Originally Posted by angellous_evangellous

What the heck is a platonic relationship?

friendship.

[Krie]

one of the best things to do is just stand tall don't freak out on them. Act like it didn't hurt but break up with them. B/c once a cheater always a cheater.

[angellous_evangellous]

Originally Posted by Mister_T

My ex told her friend that she could get me to do a threesome with her and her strpper friend that night.

If I had a quarter for every time that has happened to me, then I'd be a very wealthy man.