Family issue (tradition, blood, divorce, Christ, gathering)

[Todd]

Background: My side of the family has always been a little dysfunctional. My parents divorced when I was 16, my sister stayed with my mom, and I stayed with my dad. Now, even though my mom lived a mile down the road, I never visited her (probably just because I was a typical teen). My dad was always traveling, so about 80% of the time I had the house to myself. I moved out of my dads house at 19 and got married to my wife of now almost 10 years. She pretty much helped me re-gain being closer to my mom over the past 10 years, but the distance between me and my dad has grown (especially since he is always out of town on business).

Problem: My Dad his new wife, myself and my wife ususally get together around Christmas time (which is one of the only times of the year that we all get together with my dad even though he is 5 miles down the road). This year my Dad said that he wants to disclude my wife, my sisters husband, and his wife. My wife's pretty upset (it would be like her family telling me that I can't come over to there house to open presents). I mean, it's Christmas, it's the time where you celebrate the season with your loved ones (and who more to be a loved one than your wife or husband). Needless to say, I have not been in the Christmas spirit this year. Any advice on how I should respond would be appreciated, or am I just blowing this out of proportion.

[robtex]

Todd start by getting all the cards on the table. You need to know why he doesn't want your wife and other spouses there. Than you can move forward towards an amicable solution. Right now there is not enough info to go to make a calculated decision or evaluation.

[jeffrey]

Hard one. Myself, I'd say I was a packaged deal. Where you go, your wife goes. She is your main responsiblity, and should be your main allegance.

Edit: What robtex said about finding an amicable solution, by asking why 1st I agree with.

[michel]

Originally Posted by Todd

Background: My side of the family has always been a little dysfunctional. My parents divorced when I was 16, my sister stayed with my mom, and I stayed with my dad. Now, even though my mom lived a mile down the road, I never visited her (probably just because I was a typical teen). My dad was always traveling, so about 80% of the time I had the house to myself. I moved out of my dads house at 19 and got married to my wife of now almost 10 years. She pretty much helped me re-gain being closer to my mom over the past 10 years, but the distance between me and my dad has grown (especially since he is always out of town on business).

Problem: My Dad his new wife, myself and my wife ususally get together around Christmas time (which is one of the only times of the year that we all get together with my dad even though he is 5 miles down the road). This year my Dad said that he wants to disclude my wife, my sisters husband, and his wife. My wife's pretty upset (it would be like her family telling me that I can't come over to there house to open presents). I mean, it's Christmas, it's the time where you celebrate the season with your loved ones (and who more to be a loved one than your wife or husband). Needless to say, I have not been in the Christmas spirit this year. Any advice on how I should respond would be appreciated, or am I just blowing this out of proportion.

I agree with Rob; I would have a word with Dad to try and find out why he wants to break tradition.

It's a strange request, because he must surely realize how your wife is going to take the situation; I don't blame her for being upset - I would be in her place......

When you say

This year my Dad said that he wants to disclude my wife, my sisters husband, and his wife

Do you mean that he wants your sister, but not her husband, and not his (your Dad's) new wife ? (that's how I read it) - which almost implies he only wants flesh and blood over Christmas, which sounds really unusual..

maybe he's after getting his Children alone, because he needs to talk to you on your own; but Christmas day isn't exactly the time for that..

I think a quiet "Now look, Dad, surely you can see that I can't really leave (your wife) on her own on Christmas day - perhaps you can explain to me why you are asking for this unusual arangement" ......something like that, and play it by ear from there. The only other advice I'd give you would be to do it face to face (not the most pleasant way), but at least you'll get body language as well.........

A tough one; I feel for you. I hope things work out.

[Todd]

When you say Do you mean that he wants your sister, but not her husband, and not his (your Dad's) new wife ? (that's how I read it) - which almost implies he only wants flesh and blood over Christmas, which sounds really unusual..

Yep, that's what I meant.

Thanks, Rob, Michel, and Jgallandt for the advice. I think I will go ahead and just ask why he wants to do this (get all the cards on the table as Rob mentioned). I'll let you know how it goes.

[Terrywoodenpic]

This does not sound reasonable.

I would never have gone anywhere without my wife.
When you get married, you put aside your past life and family and commit to your wife.

There is no reason why he should not get you all together at some other time, Say meet for dinner some where. (I would suggest neutral territory, some where quiet)

Why not suggest such a gathering and see what comes out of the woodwork.
if he has an ulterior motive it should become clear.

But I would not take no for an answer.


Terry___________________
Amen! Truly I say to you: Gather in my name. I am with you.

[Pussyfoot Mouse]

It's a shame that anyone wouldn't want to spend time with their (whole) family! Especially at Christmas time. But I agree with Rob, that's very good advice. I wish you all the best!

[pdoel]

That is a strange request. My first thought was wondering if there's something else going on. Something he needs to discuss with just you and your siblings. A health issue? Will issues?

I agree that it'd be a good idea to get all the cards on the table and see if you can find the motivation. Christmas is a time for family. It'd be a shame to have three families split up for the day when they should all be together.

If there is something going on that he wants to discuss with just you and your sister, maybe suggest Christmas with everyone, with a meeting at a later date with just the three of you?

[Fluffy]

Ask him whether he or his wife would have a problem with it if your positions were reversed. He will probably realise that she would have a problem and then you can point out that it is a bit of an unreasonable request.

Also what is your sister's take on it?