Joke me! (Jesus, Satan, God, heaven)

[PHOTOTAKER]

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

[PHOTOTAKER]

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

[darkpenguin]

2 days to go!!!

[darkpenguin]

Originally Posted by BFD_Zayl

ok, two hunters were out in the woods, all of a sudden one accidently shoots the other, the guy that shot his friend calls 911 on the cell phone
"i just shot my friend, i think he's dead, send an ambulance!"
"sir, calm down, please make sure he is dead first"
*gunshot*
"ok, now what?"

And the winner is this joke, I can't help but laugh evertime I read it lol, kind of reminds me of monty python!

[Freedomelf]

okay....but I have to admit this is a long one.....


When God was creating animals, he first created the Ox. He said “Ox, I’m going to give you a 30 year life span, during which you will work every day helping man to feed his family without rest.

The Ox thought it over and said “God, that’s too much work. Can’t you give me an easier life? I’ll even give back half my life if you just let me take it easy!” So God said, “Okay, it’s a deal.”

Then he went to the monkey, and he said “I’m going to give you a fifty year lifespan, during which time I want to you entertain my people dancing and making them laugh.

The Monkey thought it over and said “God, that’s too much work. Can’t you give me an easier life? I’ll even give back half my life if you just let me take it easy!” So God said, “Okay, it’s a deal.”

Then God went to the dog, and he said “I’m going to give you a twenty year lifespan, during which I want you to sit guarding your family’s house all day long, yapping at strangers and chasing them away.

The Dog thought it over and said “God, that’s too much work. Can’t you give me an easier life? I’ll even give back half my life if you just let me take it easy!” So God said, “Okay, it’s a deal.”

Then God went to man, and said “Man, I am going to let you rest in the grass, spending your days idle and carefree, with no worries at all. I’ll even give you a 10 year lifespan.”

And the man said “Hey, God! Please give me more years! Listen…..the Ox gave back quite a few years, and the Monkey gave back quite a few, and the Dog gave back quite a few……could you PLEASE give me their years?

And God said….okay, its’ a deal!


SO NOW YOU KNOW WHY…….


Man spends the first part of his life living lazy and carefree…….the second part of his life working like an ox to feed his family…….the next part of his life acting like a goofy idiot entertaining his grandchildren with silly games……and the last part of his life yapping about his aches and pains and CHASING EVERYONE AWAY!

[Freedomelf]

Hope its okay to still post jokes if the winner has already been selected.

[Freedomelf]

I got another one, if someone wants to hear it:

A guy was riding his motorcycle along a beach in California, when the sky opened up and God poured light down on him. God said, "Because you have been so good in your life, I'm going to grant you one wish. The guy thought about it for a while, and said: "I'd like you to build a highway from here to Hawaii, so that I could ride my motorcycle all the way there."

God hesitated then said, "Sure, I could do it, but can you IMAGINE how difficult it would be? All the concrete and steel it would take? All the WORK?? Can't you PLEASE PICK something EASIER????"

So the guy thought about it for a minute then said, "Okay, what I REALLY want to have is an understanding of women.....why they do what they do, and how they feel when they say they don't want to talk but really do."

God hesitated for another minute, then said....."You want two lanes or four?"

[Dream Angel]

Some of you may not find this funny! But being british I do!

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me.” The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!" In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin." Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to prise off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

[Dream Angel]

I know the winner has already been chosen, but its still fun to read some jokes! This is a bit of a long one and is more funny than an actual joke!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00! A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they dohen they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you
could just keep billinher. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Saint Mary's Cemetery, 1 Honey Locust Drive,
Lakewood, NJ Plot Number 169."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

[Dream Angel]

This ones a lawyer joke, so sorry if any of you are lawyers!!!

lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"