Make me Laugh (Christ)

[Guitar's Cry]

Originally Posted by CDRaider

Thank you, you got a smirk and a roll of the eyes so you just might win...

I try to help.

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The string asks, "Okay, but may I use the bathroom?" "Sure," the bartender replies.

The string hops into the bathroom and proceeds to tie its neck in a knot and rustle the top of its head until its hair is all over the place. He then returns to the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender asks, "Aren't you the same string that I told I wouldn't serve not five minutes ago?"

The string replies, "I'm afraid not."

Get it? I'm afraid not = I'm a frayed knot!

Again, best wishes.

[tcprowling]

Life in Alaska
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick
of
the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska
as
far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week
and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on

his door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man standing
there.

Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road...Having a

Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come.
About
5:00."
Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be
some drinkin'."

Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."

Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be
there.
Thanks
again."

More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea
I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
Bythe way, what should I wear?"


Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Djamila]

Lol :d

[Guitar's Cry]

Originally Posted by tcprowling

Life in Alaska
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick
of
the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska
as
far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week
and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on

his door. He opens It and sees a huge, bearded man standing
there.

Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
road...Having a

Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come.
About
5:00."
Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be
some drinkin'."

Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."

Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be
there.
Thanks
again."

More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea
I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
Bythe way, what should I wear?"


Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

Lol!

I just thought of another one.

There are these two sausages in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other sausage and says, "Boy is it getting hot in here!"

The other sausage exclaims, "Oh my god! It's a talking sausage!"

[Djamila]

(Since Tom asked what he should wear, I bet he's even now still excited to be going to that party )

[tcprowling]

Originally Posted by Djamila

(Since Tom asked what he should wear, I bet he's even now still excited to be going to that party )

We are not sure ... nobody has heard from Tom for Six months

[Djamila]

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
Dolly Parton.

"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
Rebecca West.

"Most women are not as young as they are painted."
Max Beerbohm

"She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when."
PG Wodehouse.

"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one."
WC Fields

"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
Roseanne Barr.

"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing."
Sean Williamson.

"The people I'm getting furious with are the women's liberationists. They keep getting on their soapboxes proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket."
Anita Loos

"Even if man could understand women he still wouldn't believe it."
AW Brown

"A misogynist is a man who hates women as much as women hate each other."
HL Mencken

[tcprowling]

One Last one for to day
Bran Muffins or Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[Djamila]

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

A Frenchwoman, when double-crossed, will kill her rival; the Italian woman would rather kill her deceitful lover; the Englishwoman simply breaks off relations-but they all will console themselves with another man.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.