Friendship in adulthood and my incapacity to do so.

[an anarchist]

TLDR: do you have friends, as an adult? Or do you not?

Growing up, I noticed that all the adults in my life had little to no friends. Like, they only hung out with family really. As a kid, I resolved in my head that that would not be the case for me when I grew up. I would have plenty of friends and always be hanging out and not be a boring adult.

Presently, I am a boring adult with no friends who I hang out with. I'll spend time with fam and the significant other, but das it.

When I was fresh out of high school, I was completely different. I was always a loner growing up, not cause I wanted to, but because people were averted by my presence. Weird kid, ya know? But halfway through highschool I found a group of friends who I grew really really close with and got along with well. After high school we all worked the same restaurant and lived together as well. Best of friends ya know? And we were always throwing parties having the whole restaurant crew roll thru the pad with all the booze and the like.

But no more.

Those friends really hurt me in many ways that I'll keep to myself. And that has destroyed my capacity to make new friends. It's been years now, and I still haven't made new friends.

I'll have the desire, and when I try with someone, it doesn't last I lose interest and it takes too much energy. Nowadays I'm not that weird kid I learnt some social skills so many many people want to be my friend, especially at work. I straight up tell them I don't have friends, cause like they'll text me and I won't respond cause I don't do that and they're like wtf and I have to explain to them that it's nothing personal. I'll show them my messages with like 20 other people who texted me that I ignored. And I'll tell em that I don't do friends.

I'm as close to some of you guys as I am with my coworkers. That's not saying I'm particularly close to some of you, rather, that I'm distant from the people that I've been working with for years now.

I have a significant other though. Part of me was surprised that my capacity to be in a romantic relationship wasn't destroyed by my ex-wife, in similar fashion to my capacity to making friends being destroyed. But I've always been a romantic.

How about you? Do you have friends in your adult life? Or not so much anymore?

 

[JustGeorge]

TLDR: do you have friends, as an adult? Or do you not?

Not really. I have one friend in real life. I would love more, but its not going to happen. I'm in the wrong culture.

Growing up, I noticed that all the adults in my life had little to no friends. Like, they only hung out with family really. As a kid, I resolved in my head that that would not be the case for me when I grew up. I would have plenty of friends and always be hanging out and not be a boring adult.

I guess it was different for me. Mom had tons of friends. She made friends with the other neighborhood moms. She made friends at work. She went to the bar(and made me babysit), and made friends there.

Dad had one friend. He was bitter that his wife had so many friends. He was a loner, and he expected that she would be, too.

Their inability to compromise here is a lot of why their marriage failed. In the beginning, Mom would have been happy if Dad had joined her, but he became a bitter and mean *** about it, and she grew to hate him for it. On the flip side, how often Mom expected me to step up to raise her kids so she could have time out was inappropriate.

Presently, I am a boring adult with no friends who I hang out with. I'll spend time with fam and the significant other, but das it.

I spend most of my time with the two younger kids(9 and 4). My oldest is 17, so is too cool for his mom. My husband usually sits on his phone during the day or works on his cars, if he's not at work. He doesn't really have friends, either. A few acquaintances, but my only friend is his only friend. He does enjoy a few of his coworkers, though, even if he won't admit it.

When I was fresh out of high school, I was completely different. I was always a loner growing up, not cause I wanted to, but because people were averted by my presence. Weird kid, ya know? But halfway through highschool I found a group of friends who I grew really really close with and got along with well. After high school we all worked the same restaurant and lived together as well. Best of friends ya know? And we were always throwing parties having the whole restaurant crew roll thru the pad with all the booze and the like.

But no more.

Those friends really hurt me in many ways that I'll keep to myself. And that has destroyed my capacity to make new friends. It's been years now, and I still haven't made new friends.

I'm sorry you were hurt by some friends. Destroyed friendships, especially in the earlier years, can really take a toll on a person's outlook.

I'll have the desire, and when I try with someone, it doesn't last I lose interest and it takes too much energy. Nowadays I'm not that weird kid I learnt some social skills so many many people want to be my friend, especially at work. I straight up tell them I don't have friends, cause like they'll text me and I won't respond cause I don't do that and they're like wtf and I have to explain to them that it's nothing personal. I'll show them my messages with like 20 other people who texted me that I ignored. And I'll tell em that I don't do friends.

Does it feel good to know folks want to be friends, or is the fact they initiate and you're not interested stress you at all?

I'm as close to some of you guys as I am with my coworkers. That's not saying I'm particularly close to some of you, rather, that I'm distant from the people that I've been working with for years now.

Most of my socializing with other adults is on the forums. Friendships here range from very close to casual acquaintance.

I have a significant other though. Part of me was surprised that my capacity to be in a romantic relationship wasn't destroyed by my ex-wife, in similar fashion to my capacity to making friends being destroyed. But I've always been a romantic.

Do you think the partner fills up all your social needs?

 

[Secret Chief]

TLDR: do you have friends, as an adult? Or do you not?

How about you? Do you have friends in your adult life? Or not so much anymore?

As I've got older I've come to decline the social interactions that I dislike or CBA with, as much as possible. The things I do do are usually because I feel I should. They are mostly my wife's friends that I'm not really bothered about but feel I have to. I have more or less 4 friends. I think. What is a "friend"? I see them very intermittently (every few months) for a couple of hours or so. We have a nice chat and that's it. It's not essential to my wellbeing, I don't "need" them. I don't feel any need to share stuff particularly. I'm at the far end of the introvert/extrovert spectrum (seemingly at the point called "anti-social"). I like the people I work with and I'm safe in the knowledge there's only a few minutes interaction with them on my working days. An hour in someone's company and I'm whacked. Online interaction on the other hand suits me perfectly. I spend more time and expend more energy interacting on an online forum with a very obtuse person that thinks farting at will is clever. It's a win-win.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I keep some friends, a lot of them online, and a lot of them living quite a distance from me.

 

[JustGeorge]

I spend more time and expend more energy interacting on an online forum with a very obtuse person that thinks farting at will is clever. It's a win-win.

Sounds like a real dolt!

 

[Secret Chief]

Sounds like a real dolt!

She must be, she puts up with me.

 

[SalixIncendium]

My circle of friends was always quite small. There have been relatively few I've shared common interests with, and selfish and toxic behaviors exhaust me, so in such circumstances I would tend to withdraw from a friendship. As I've grown older, the already small circle has become sparse to nonexistent. I like talking to random people, but I do better alone than I do in relationships.

 

[Secret Chief]

My circle of friends was always quite small. There have been relatively few I've shared common interests with, and selfish and toxic behaviors exhaust me, so in such circumstances I would tend to withdraw from a friendship. As I've grown older, the already small circle has become sparse to nonexistent. I like talking to random people, but I do better alone than I do in relationships.

It would make the van more cramped too.

 

[Alien826]

I think what the OP describes is common for adult men (at least as I have read) and a lot less so for women.

I had a lot of friends at school, and we continued to meet after that until most of them went off to university and I didn't. I don't know if many of them would be described as "close" friends, but I never lacked for company. Then we all scattered around the country and that was that.

I'm now in my third committed relationship, two marriages and now an SO kind of thing. The problem is that women seem to see my lack of bossiness to mean that I need to be bossed, and I hate that.

I have one very close male friend whom I met at work years ago but we live in different countries. We talk on Zoom weekly. I think that kind of relationship is rare, maybe it happens two or three times in a lifetime.

The next level of friendship, friendly but not close, is what I lack. I'm in a "foreign" country and have been here for over 30 years, and I do find that the culture is a barrier. There are always subjects that I avoid, which is much less the case with compatriots.

I've thought about it a lot and have decided that the problem lies with me. Most men seem "shallow" to me (that's not intended as a criticism). They talk endlessly about sports and so on. Watching sports bores the crap out of me, and I'm odd in that I don't care who wins. Why thousands of people will gather to watch a few people throw a ball around puzzles me. I get more stimulation chatting on forums like this, but most people IRL don't want to get that "deep" into discussion.

I find that a dog is excellent company, btw. Dogs provide quiet, undemanding company and affection, and never order you around. I have shed more tears over dead dogs than people.

I'm in my 80's now, I'm in good health but don't get out enough to meet many people. I imagine that's how it will be. Fortunately I am very good at entertaining myself, so alone time is not a problem.

 

[an anarchist]

Does it feel good to know folks want to be friends, or is the fact they initiate and you're not interested stress you at all?

It stresses me and many people will take it the wrong way when I don't want to be friends so it's frustrating.

Do you think the partner fills up all your social needs?

My partner + my family surely does.

 

[Secret Chief]

I think what the OP describes is common for adult men (at least as I have read) and a lot less so for women.

I had a lot of friends at school, and we continued to meet after that until most of them went off to university and I didn't. I don't know if many of them would be described as "close" friends, but I never lacked for company. Then we all scattered around the country and that was that.

I'm now in my third committed relationship, two marriages and now an SO kind of thing. The problem is that women seem to see my lack of bossiness to mean that I need to be bossed, and I hate that.

I have one very close male friend whom I met at work years ago but we live in different countries. We talk on Zoom weekly. I think that kind of relationship is rare, maybe it happens two or three times in a lifetime.

The next level of friendship, friendly but not close, is what I lack. I'm in a "foreign" country and have been here for over 30 years, and I do find that the culture is a barrier. There are always subjects that I avoid, which is much less the case with compatriots.

I've thought about it a lot and have decided that the problem lies with me. Most men seem "shallow" to me (that's not intended as a criticism). They talk endlessly about sports and so on. Watching sports bores the crap out of me, and I'm odd in that I don't care who wins. Why thousands of people will gather to watch a few people throw a ball around puzzles me. I get more stimulation chatting on forums like this, but most people IRL don't want to get that "deep" into discussion.

I find that a dog is excellent company, btw. Dogs provide quiet, undemanding company and affection, and never order you around. I have shed more tears over dead dogs than people.

I'm in my 80's now, I'm in good health but don't get out enough to meet many people. I imagine that's how it will be. Fortunately I am very good at entertaining myself, so alone time is not a problem.

Sounds a lot like me.
All my work colleagues are female, which I really like. Much prefer their company.

 

[Yerda]

I have kept a few close friends for a very long time, but as David Berman said, lately I tend to make strangers wherever I go. Some of them were once people I was happy to know.

 

[lewisnotmiller]

I've thought about it a lot and have decided that the problem lies with me. Most men seem "shallow" to me (that's not intended as a criticism). They talk endlessly about sports and so on. Watching sports bores the crap out of me, and I'm odd in that I don't care who wins. Why thousands of people will gather to watch a few people throw a ball around puzzles me. I get more stimulation chatting on forums like this, but most people IRL don't want to get that "deep" into discussion.

It can work the other way. I'm a middle aged white guy who loves sports, so people assume they have a neat box to put me in, if they don't know me.

Whereas I'm pretty well read, and can hold my own on plenty of topics. And I've been lucky enough to live and work in several countries not my own, as well as travel to plenty more.

Mostly, if I tell people I like classical history, I'll be seen as 'deeper' than if I say I love basketball. Which one is more relevant and impactful to how I live, my understanding of the world, etc? Are either 'meaningful' in any transcendent fashion? What does even mean assuming my worldview is informed by my atheism?

I find that a dog is excellent company, btw. Dogs provide quiet, undemanding company and affection, and never order you around. I have shed more tears over dead dogs than people.

I'm in my 80's now, I'm in good health but don't get out enough to meet many people. I imagine that's how it will be. Fortunately I am very good at entertaining myself, so alone time is not a problem.

Dogs are great. Unlike people, they generally make sense and are unconditional.

 

[Alien826]

It can work the other way. I'm a middle aged white guy who loves sports, so people assume they have a neat box to put me in, if they don't know me.

Whereas I'm pretty well read, and can hold my own on plenty of topics. And I've been lucky enough to live and work in several countries not my own, as well as travel to plenty more.

Mostly, if I tell people I like classical history, I'll be seen as 'deeper' than if I say I love basketball. Which one is more relevant and impactful to how I live, my understanding of the world, etc? Are either 'meaningful' in any transcendent fashion? What does even mean assuming my worldview is informed by my atheism?

Yes. I hope I made it clear that this is my personal reason for not having many friends and that no judgment was involved. I would say that if we were to meet IRL I would soon discover that we would have lots to talk about that didn't involve sport. I already have from reading what you write here. Of course it might work the other way round if you discovered that my total disinterest in sports made me uninteresting to you.

About sports and slightly off topic, I do enjoy watching some sport, usually where the skill of the players is interesting in itself. Golf is a good example. I have played the game myself and I know just how difficult it is to pull off some of the shots that I see them make. I just don't care who wins.